Page 31 of Volt
“Tell me something. Do you know if the Pharaohs deal drugs? Like hard drugs?” I ask. “Are they engaged in human trafficking or anything like that?”
She shakes her head. “No, I haven’t heard anything like that other than they stomp on anybody who does do those things,” she says. “But from what I hear, they deal weed and occasionally sell some guns, but they always do it outside town limits. Always. And it’s only weed and never the hard drugs.”
I smile grimly, it’s not as bad as I’d feared but it wasn’t exactly good either. The ideal answer would have been that they do nothing illegal. Ever. That they’re choir boys in their spare time, pull cats out of trees, and help little old ladies across the street. But I suppose on the whole, those aren’t as bad as they could be. If those stories are actually true.
“I think if you like him, you should roll the dice,” she says. “I know the Pharaohs aren’t whistle clean, but they could be a lot worse.”
“‘They could be a lot worse’ is a little lower of a standard than I was hoping for.”
She shrugs. “From everything you’ve told me, Blake is this amazing guy. Thoughtful, intelligent, kind….”
I nod. “He’s all of those things and more.”
“Okay, those are all great qualities,” she says. “And what are his bad ones?”
I look off into the distance for a moment, thinking it over. The truth is, he hasn’t shown any bad qualities to me. I mean, I know he has them. We all do. But he really is a lot different from any other man I’ve known. So, what is my problem?
“So, he’s a guy so incredible, you’re struggling to come up with negative qualities.”
I shrug. “Yeah, kind of, I suppose.”
“Okay, so then we’re going to count his bad qualities as the things his club gets into,” she says. “Now tell me, do his good qualities outweigh that one bad quality? That isn’t even him directly—it’s his club. So, you’re basing your opinion of him on the actions of others.”
“Well, it’s not like he’s ignorant of what’s going on and isn’t participating in some of those crimes.”
“Weed,” she says. “Which is legal in the state, mind you.”
I sigh and take a drink of my tea, not knowing what to say to that. She looks at me, a faint smile on her lips.
“Know what I think it is?” she asks.
“I’m sure not even saying I don’t want to hear it would stop you from telling me.”
“You know me so well,” she says with a giggle. “I think this is all about you being scared. Not the whole murdered friend thing. I’m talking about your feelings for him. You’re terrified of them.”
“No, that’s not it,” I say and gnaw on my lower lip. “Okay, fine, maybe. Maybe you’re right. But how can’t I be terrified?”
“By choosing not to be and enjoying him. And what you two have going on,” she says. “Everything you’ve told me makes it all sound so ideal.”
“It is pretty ideal,” I have to admit. “It’s pretty amazing, really. But—”
“Not buts,” she says. “Do you enjoy that feeling?”
“Of course. But—”
“I said no buts,” she replies. “If you want to keep that feeling, you’re going to need to talk to him, babe. Call him.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“It is. But you have this nasty habit of overcomplicating things,” she says. “Your paintings. This thing with Blake…”
I bite back my reply since deep down, I know she’s right. I do complicate things. I do overthink things. That’s been my MO for a long, long time. On the one hand, it’s frustrating as hell. On the other, it keeps me safe and from having my heart broken.
“If you want something great, you sometimes need to go out on a limb. You sometimes need to risk. Sometimes you risk everything—your heart, your mind, and your soul,” she says. “And sometimes the payoff is so amazing, you ask yourself why you didn’t do it sooner.”
A smile curls a corner of my mouth upward, but I don’t say anything. There’s nothing I can say to that really. I wish I had the courage she thinks I have. The courage it would take me, after several days now, to call him. I just don’t know that I have it in me. I really don’t.
Chapter Fourteen
