Page 52 of Archer
Once I got on the highway heading out of Mascid, I sped as fast as I safely could and let the wind smack my face as it rattled around me, making it too hard to hear myself scream at the top of my lungs, “You’re a fucking idiot, Archer!”
It felt good, screaming my thoughts so loud and no one could hear, but it didn’t fix anything. Hoping maybe I just needed to try it louder, I yelled the same phrase again. That time, however, I swallowed a large bug and began coughing and choking so hard, I had to pull over to the side of the road.
Leaping off the bike, I bent over with my hands just above my knees, then hacked and wheezed until the bug dislodged itself. Still panting, I stared at the ground where a pool of my saliva had collected.
“Fucking karma.” I put my hands in my pockets and looked at my surroundings. Not a soul was in sight for miles, not even a coyote’s howl could be heard. Just silence and a few crickets chirping rhythmically. Looking in the distance, I saw a lone boulder several yards from me, and with nowhere else to go, it called my name. Dragging my feet through the sand, I noticed a black scorpion crawl out of the ground and quickly zoom toward me with its pincers in the air.
“Ah!” I yelped and jumped in the air right in time, it went right under my legs. Expecting to bolt, I turned to see where it was hiding, ready to strike. Except what I saw next made me fold my arms, tilt my head, and ask, “Really?”
The black scorpion seemed to have found a mate, a second smaller scorpion. I remembered watching a documentary on the History Channel that showed all the weird ways animals mate. I scowled. Though it looked like the two scorpions were only dancing, I knew better.
“Get a room,” I said bitterly and turned my back on them, eventually reaching the large rock that was my destination. When I sat on the boulder, I crossed my legs to avoid any critters crawling up my pants legs.
I loved the Sonoran Desert; it was the best part of living in Arizona. Some people thought that all this sand and cacti would get boring, some ignorant assholes even saying it was dirty. But I thought it was one of the best places on the planet.
I looked up at the sky and smiled at the lightshow in the sky. As always, whenever there was no light pollution from the city, the Milky Way shone in its clusters of stars. I squinted my eyes at the ribbons of stars that looked like strokes of sheer glittering white paint, trying to find something in the sky.
I remembered reading once that on really dark August nights in the desert, you could sometimes see a famous nebula, but I couldn’t remember it for the life of me. Dumbbell or something, but that didn’t seem right. Apparently, its pink, green, and blue orbs of gas would spend their summers in the Milky Way, attracting tourists from all over. No matter how hard I tried to focus, though, I couldn’t see it.
Giving up, I breathed through my nose and bowed my head. Even if I saw twenty nebulas above me, it wouldn’t be the same. In fact, I’d probably resent the magical moment for not happening in front of Rose. If anyone deserved to see a trippy outer-space nebula dance show, it was Rose.
She deserved everything.
I threw my face in my hands as I felt an invisible, icy hand clench my heart. I dropped my arms and shouted in the wide empty desert tundra. “You’re such a selfish, greedy, idiot!”
Just what I needed, my own voice echoed back at least three times, “You’re such a selfish, greedy, idiot…”
“Hm.” Looking back at the Milky Way, I thought about how nice it would be to take her there. Especially in the winter, I heard the best sights would come out then. I never had anyone to do anything like that with, but it did interest me. Too bad if you took a girl out there, she’d think you were going to marry her. Alone was fine but also… lonely.
“I forgot…” I said out loud. I forgot about my deal with Ron; it just slipped because once again, I didn’t even realize how shitty my actions were until she stated them so clearly. It slipped my mind, the entire visit with Ron basically evaporated once Rose and I started getting closer.
“So close…”
That morning—god, the sex. The sex was incredible. No, it’s not like we were acting like wild animals. It was… sweet and tender. I never took things so slow and easy with someone before, instead being my usual selfish self. But I wanted her to be comfortable, I wanted her to trust me…
“Then you fuck over her father who you’re supposed to be helping.”
I felt disgusted how easily I took that deal. All because, what? I was pissed off because I couldn’t bring random chicks from the bar home? Ha! Like I’d waste another second of my life on them if I had Rose by my side. She was so fun. Even without sex, I just wanted to bewithher. Around her. I wanted her to spend the afternoon with Crow and me, even if they spent the whole time teasing me. It was so funny seeing Crow laugh with her; it made me want to spend as many days as I could with her.
I felt sick. Shame and regret overtook my blood, leaving me a deflated shell of negativity.
And her in my arms that morning. That was right. That was perfect. I hated commitment, but I needed that in my life: her in my arms, every day. And it was gone now. Destroyed. For good reason. Exploiting her father when he’s vulnerable and scared? For what, an extra hundred bucks a month? It was a bakery, for fuck’s sake. Not Wall Street.
I smacked my forehead with my palm then left it there, grabbing my wrist to support my head, it suddenly felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. My mind kept coming up with comforting, satisfying, beautiful images that were, most importantly, heartbreaking. Images of Rose and me lying on separate couches, reading a book in silence. Or me deciding to treat her, my favorite rose in the world, by sprinkling petals on the bed we shared.
Any time I tried to tell myself that hope wasn’t lost, that I’d just need to think of the right words to say, I pictured all the mean words she’d fling at me.
“She can do better than you, Archer.”
It was a miracle we happened in the first place. All because of a series of coincidences that would never be replicated. Now that I had broken her trust, she’d never give me a chance again.
“I fucked up.” The half-moon hung low in the sky, eclipsed by a tall rock that had been formed into a hoodoo over the millenia. I wondered what Rose’s favorite thing to do in Mascid was, or where her favorite place to eat was. Images of us going on our first real date flashed over my mind and I cussed for the hundredth time under my breath.
Everything hurt.
I was pretty sure that the part that broke me the most was that she didn’t believe me when I said I changed.
But I did change. It wasn’t that I never cared aboutanyone,of course I did. I was a fiercely loyal friend and anyone who messed with them better watch themselves. But… that was so different from the way I cared about Rose.
