Page 25 of Crow
“I…” Once again, I trailed off toward the end of my sentence. I didn’t want to say it out loud—that would make it real.
“Just fuckin’ tell me!” Jess huffed.
“I sucked him off.”
“You what?”
“I fucking sucked him off, okay?” I snapped, then froze and glanced toward the kitchen door. I could hear people moving about in the hallway and living room. But they seemed to still be having fun and partying, so I didn’t think they had heard me and I relaxed a little. When I turned back to Jess, she was gaping at me.
“Jesus Christ,” she muttered, shaking her head. “I told you to giveRaya blowjob, not this other guy!”
“I know.” I groaned, dropping my head into my hands. My cigarette was burning away between my fingers, and Jess took it from me and took a drag. As she exhaled, she seemed calmer.
“No, it’s-it’s okay,” she said slowly, still thinking things over. “It’s okay, because no one has to know. I won’t tell, and you won’t tell, and as long as you never see this boy again, for real this time, and no one will be the fuckin’ wiser, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“You think you can actually stay away from him this time?”
“It won’t be hard,” I told her miserably. “He doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
“Good,” she said, and I flinched. Despite everything, I still missed Crow, and having Jess believe that it was a good thing we weren’t friends anymore made my chest hurt. I realized I had wanted her to be more sympathetic. I shook myself. I didn’t need sympathy. Jess was supporting me; she was telling me what I needed to hear.
“You’re right,” I said, stealing the final tiny bit of my cigarette back and taking a deep breath. “I’m with Ray, so I should be with Ray.”
“Yes.” She nodded firmly. “And we will never speak of this again. What Ray doesn’t know can’t hurt you, and that’s all that matters.”
We stood close together in comfortable silence for a moment, and then Ray called for me to bring him another beer. When I did, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his lap. I caught Jess’ eye as she walked past me to Breaker, and she nodded. I took a deep breath. I was with Ray, and this was good. I began to kiss and nibble at his neck, trying to push Crow out of my mind, but Ray was almost completely ignoring me in favor of gloating with the other Freeways. I couldn’t help but compare it to the memory of Crow holding me closer. I hated that, because I had always tried to avoid being That Girl, the one who got with anyone, boyfriend or no.
Being a stripper didn’t mean I was a whore, no matter what anyone said. I was better than that, even if it was hard to convince myself sometimes. The other girls didn’t make it easy, the strippers and club whores that were constantly draped across furniture or bikers, not caring who took them as long as they got some. I knew they disliked me; I heard them murmuring to themselves, sneering because I thought I was better than them. But I didn’t, not really, it was just the last thing I had, the last moral, the last line I wouldn’t cross.
Until Crow. Crow had me rearranging my boundaries, rethinking my ways of life. Shifts at Tease had become more about trying to not look for his face in the crowd than worrying about how many tips I was getting. Even when I remembered how cruel he had been, I couldn’t stop hoping he would come to see me, that I would get to be close to him, touch him again.But the thought of what Ray would do if he ever found out I’d cheated on him was enough to turn my stomach. Ray demanded loyalty, even if he didn’t practice it himself. I had given up trying to clean away the stains from the last time Ray had decided someone had betrayed him. Instead, I walked around that spot on the carpet.
I remembered how cold Crow had been last time I saw him. Paranoia had me scanning the faces of the Freeways at every turn, checking to see if Crow would appear with a mean smirk and a prospect patch on his shoulder to tell Ray about what a cheating slut I was. The feeling of being watched was almost constant now, so strong that even being high couldn’t dull the feeling of eyes boring into the back of my neck. But still, whenever I checked behind me, no one was there. Crow hadn’t shown up yet, so allI could hope for is that it meant he was just a weekend warrior, unaffiliated with a club and with little chance of talking to Ray.
“Left it in a real special place this time, Boss.” Lab Rat was snickering, cutting a line of coke on the coffee table. “They’re gonna have asmashingtime when they find it.”
“Shut up, you idiot, you ain’t fuckin’ funny,” Breaker snapped next to him, turning to explain to Ray. “He threw a brick through a window and it fuckin’ smashed. That’s all.”
“Whatever,” Lab Rat sneered, bending to snort the line. He was laughing again as he straightened up, rubbing the excess powder from under his nose.
“Just a fuckin’ shame we didn’t hit that bitch with it.” Breaker muttered, pulling Jess onto his lap for a hard kiss then downing a shot.
“Nah.” Lab Rat shook his head. “Would be a waste of such a pretty little thing.”
“What’re you yammerin’ on about now, Rat?” Ray asked, more interested in drinking his beer and sliding his hand under the waistband of my jeans, cupping my ass.
“Delivered that warning to the Rebels earlier, like you wanted.” Lab Rat cackled. “Sent it sailing right through the window of their shitty bar, toward the head of that pretty barmaid. Can’t wait to sink my teeth into her.” He leered at me then, beady eyes raking over my body as he licked his lips, and I cringed away from his crooked, stained teeth.
“She’s almost as pretty as your gem, Ray,” Lab Rat added.
Ray smirked, squeezing me tighter. “Might need to get a piece of her myself then,” he said. I tried not to let that sting. “Did ya see their reactions, Rat?”
“Nah, didn’t feel like being caught out there on my own.” He began tapping out another line of coke, not catching Ray’s darkening glare. Breaker did though and elbowed him in the side. Lab Rat looked up guiltily, murmuring a quick “Sorry, Boss,” before snorting up the line.
“Did some damage though, didn’t we, Rat?” Breaker added quickly. Lab Rat nodded quickly, eyes glassy.
“Yeah, yeah, lots of damage. And we’ll make sure they never get a chance to fix it, right, Boss?”
