Page 17 of Crow
“Yeah, so?” I swallowed around the lump in my throat, crossing my arms to create a barrier between me and him.
“Jesus, Jade! I thought you were too smart to be doing this kind of shit.”
I couldn’t believe the hypocrisy he was spewing. I scowled at him, hands balling into fists so tight my nails bit into my palms. “Fuck you! You’re in no position to judge. I’ve never seen you without a drink or a smoke in your hand. How is this any different?”
“Itisdifferent. The lifestyle that this shit brings is almost as toxic as the drug itself.”
I floundered for a moment, unable to rebuff him. I had seen it in my parents, in the people who crawled to Ray, desperate for a fix. I had seen it in Crow’s bathroom mirror just now, with bloodshot eyes and stress-thin lips. The longer the silence lasted, the more worked up I got. I stared at Crow, trying to think of what to say. Somewhere along the way, the anger deserted me, and to my horror, I found my eyes welling up.
“Yeah, well, it’s not like I ever had a choice,” I said, hating the way my voice shook. “There was never any other way I could be.”
“Don’t be so fucking stupid,” Crow snapped, standing up. “That’s not true. You can break the cycle, if you wanted to. If you fucking tried.”
I barked a humorless laugh. “So what?” I asked him, almost hysterical. “So, so you’re the optimist here? Telling me that everyone’s life could be sunshine and rainbows if they just fuckingtried hard enough?”
He looked taken aback. “I… no. It’s just.Youcan do better. You can change,” he insisted, though he seemed less certain of himself. He stepped toward me, lifting his hand to cup my face. It was large, the palm the size of my cheek, and the skin was callous-rough. I knew that it would be next to nothing for this grip to turn dangerous but still, the soft rasp of it against my face was comforting. I felt safe here, in his house, in his grip. I had the horrifying realization that I trusted Crow. I didn’t know what to do about it, and that just put me more on edge.
“Well, what about you?” I snapped. “No one who drinks the way you do is happy with themselves, but you’re making no effort to change. Why the fuck should I?” I stared at him, chest heaving as though I had just run a mile.
“Because there’s better out there for you,” he said quietly, staring at me with an earnest look in his blue eyes. The fight left me and my shoulders slumped.
“Whatever,” I muttered, defeated. “I’ll never get clean. Not with my boyfriend—”
“Your what?” Crow cut me off. He had gone rigid.
“My boyfriend,” I repeated, slower, realizing this was the first time I’d mentioned Ray around Crow. “He’s the one who gets me the coke and stuff.” I watched several emotions flit across his face, too fast for me to tell what they were, and he took a step back from me, his hand dropping to his side. “It—it’s not like we were doing anything, though,” I said nervously, chewing my lip. This had all gotten away from me very fast. It felt like I was in a tailspin, desperately grabbing for control of a situation that had already spiraled too far. “We’re just friends. Hanging out. Having drinks.”
“Yes, that’s right.” Crow nodded stiffly, his face carefully blank. “I just remembered I had to do something though. Rain check?”
I blinked at his abrupt tone change. Crow’s voice was more controlled than I had ever heard it, and he sounded more like a telephone salesman than the rough man I had gotten to know. I nodded hesitantly.
“Y-yeah. Rain check. Of course.” I moved numbly to collect my shoes, slipping them onto my feet. My mind was screaming at me that if I left right now I wouldn’t hear from Crow again for a very long time, but I didn’t know what to do to fix it. I moved mechanically toward the front door. Just as my hand touched the handle, Crow called for me to wait. I turned to him, hope blooming in my chest.
“My shirt,” was all he said, not fully looking at me, and my heart sank. I pulled his T-shirt over my head, draping it over the bannister and going to leave again. This time, he didn’t stop me.
I was conflicted for the entire walk home. I hadn’t done anything wrong, never said anything that might have made him think we were going to get together, never actually cheated on Ray. I didn’t think I had, anyway. So why did I feel like dirt?
Why did it feel like there was a piece of me missing?
I missed Crow already. But where did he get off, thinking he could tell me what to do, how to live my life? Screw him. I wasn’t going to change myself for anybody, especially not for a man I had only known a couple of weeks. Besides, I liked myself the way I was.
Didn’t I?
Chapter Nine
Crow
“Fuck me, Crow, you’re in an even worse fucking mood than usual,” Ripper groaned as he wiped down the bar. It was Jenny’s job, but everyone knew she had Ripper wrapped around her little finger. All she had to do was bat her lashes, and he’d be leaping to do her job for her. I snorted, taking a long drag of my cigarette.
“I wouldn’t fuck you if you paid me,” I told him as I exhaled.
“Your fucking loss,” he shrugged. “I’m great in the sack.”
“So you keep saying.” I rolled my eyes and tapped the ashes from my cigarette, deliberately missing the ashtray next to me. Ripper scowled as he wiped it up.
“Seriously though,” he said, leaning against the bar and looking at me seriously. “What’s going on with you, brother?”
“None of your fucking business.” I turned away, trying not to think about how I hadn’t spoken to Jade in over a week. It was unsettling how quickly I’d gotten used to having her as a permanent feature in my life. I didn’t like how much her absence was upsetting me. Every little thing was suddenly grating on my nerves, my temper shorter than ever. I took another long drag of the cigarette, tapping the ash into my empty pint glass and savoring the bitter taste of nicotine.
