Page 104 of To Go
“I slept on your loveseat, which sucks, by the way.” He’s almost sheepish in his admission. “What I have to say is important, I wasn’t sure I’d work up the courage to come back if I left.”
“I’m listening.” My apprehension is heavy as I get ready to hear whatever bomb he’s about to drop on me this time.
“First, I want to say I’m sorry, for everything. I overreacted. I should have never accused you of anything.”
“You already apologized in your text.”
“But you deserved to hear it in person.” I still feel unsettled and shift in my seat.
“Was that all you were here to say?” He takes a moment, readying himself.
“I want to be with you.”
Okay, wasn’t expecting that…
“Not casually, not secretly, actually with you. You light up a fucking room. You make me laugh on the worst days. You’re sweet, and caring, and thoughtful, and I’m a goddamn idiot for ever pushing you away. Maybe you don’t need the sun, we both know you shine bright enough on your own, but I want to be that for you. I want to be there to shine when you can’t. I want to show you every single day how much I care about you.”
“James…” no words will come. They’re all tangled up somewhere between my head and my heart and they won’t come. Plain and simple.
“I know how badly I fucked up. I know it will take time. To trust me again, to let me in. I want to take time and put in effort. You’re worth it, Stella. I promise I’ll fix everything, but please, please let me show you just how much you mean to me.” He brushes my cheek, curving down to cup the side of my face. I lean into him on instinct as tears start to gather and cloud my vision.
“I can’t stay,” I croak.
James pulls back, a confused scowl twisting his features. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not going to stay, James. I know you think that this is for my parents, and maybe to an extent it is. But this is still for me. This is what I want, and I’ve worked so hard to be able to do this.”
“Travelling. You’re going to go,” he deadpans.
“Even if the seed was planted by my parents, I grew it into a damned orchard. I’ve been working for it for so long, and it’s always sat right out of reach, like I could see it but never touch it. Now that I’m not drowning, I want to fly. I want to see everything. With this, I can literally go through my entire list. I can travel for a year, or more. I can see everything, explore, experience, do everything my parents didn’t get to. Everything that’s helped push me through until this moment. This is for me.”
“So what, you’re just going to leave? This isn’t some elaborate ploy to get me to chase you in the rain and beg you not to go? Because I’m so tired of being manipulated, Stella.”
“I have no ulterior motives. This is what I want. No chasing required.” A small tear tumbles down my cheek.
“You deserve to fly, Stella. You deserve to see everything you’ve worked so hard for.”
“I’m not going to ask you to wait for me. I don’t know when I’ll come home. I don’t even know if I’ll be the same person when I do.”
“You won’t be,” he agrees with a smile. “I think you’re going to be amazing.”
“Thank you.” I fiddle with the cheque in my hand. “It feels wrong to take this. With the debt gone, I don’t necessarily need it.” James closes my hand around it.
“Keep it. You earned it.” The words hit hard, but his expression softens the blow. It’s not accusatory, it’s caring, warm.Loving.“I should get going.” He cradles my face for a moment longer, memorizing it, drawing out this painful parting.
“Goodbye, stud.”
“Goodbye, sunshine.”
I try to remember that it would have ended anyway. This is the way we planned it.
This is for the best.
Walking intoBooze & Brewswithout knowing Nessa’s state of mind is going to make me pee my pants. It’s been a few days since I last spoke to James, so since Nessa texted yesterday asking to meet up, I’ve been a sweaty tangle of anxiety.
At least there’ll be other patrons there. And alcohol. And security footage so she can’t murder me.
However, as I approach the front door, there’s no music pouring into the street, no light shining out of the huge front windows, and the closed open sign has been turned off. Odd. I pull out my keys and let myself in. A few lights near the far end of the bar are still lit, and under them sit Hazel and Nessa. They’re caught up in quiet conversation and turn in sync to look at me as I slowly walk up to them.
