Page 111 of To Go
“I don’t want to say goodbye, sunshine.”
“I get that. I do. I almost hoped you’d come to the shop today. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how. And now it doesn’t matter. I’m boarding a flight to Spain in like, two hours,” she looks around anxiously.
“Stella, please don’t go, not yet,” I’m begging.
“James, I’m going to go. You are…” she swallows harshly, “You are so important to me. But I’m not putting this aside for someone just because they want to be my friend.”
“I don’t want to be your friend anymore!”
Shock and hurt flit across her expression before she checks herself. “Well, thanks for running all the way here to tell me that. See you never, I guess.” She glares at me as she spins on her heel to walk away. I step in front of her, my hands up in surrender.
“No! No, no, no, I don’t want tojustbe your friend. I want more. I want you, Stella. Ineedyou. I have for so long, but I’ve been so convinced that I would be bad for you, that I would validate everything you’re so afraid of happening if we did. But I know better now. There is nothing I would ever intentionally do to hurt you. I want to protect you from those things, be someone who you get to see the world with. I thought my adventures were over, that mylifewas over. And then there you were, so full of life, passion, and joy. I call you sunshine for a reason. Because that’s what you are to me. You are light and warmth. Let me be your sunbeam. I want us to be the light for each other when we can’t be for ourselves.”
She doesn’t say anything, stunned by my confession.
Well, buckle up sunshine, I’ve got another.
“I need to say something, and I need you to be quiet while I say it.”
“What do you mean? Is everything—" I gently slap my hand over her mouth and she pouts up at me.
“I’m not here because you’re my friend.” Not off to a strong start, but she waits, eyeing me suspiciously. “I’m not here because you’re amazing in bed, or that you’re so incredibly beautiful that I can’t even think when you’re in the same room as me. I’m not here because I can’t breathe when I look at you, or because I want you to kick my butt at cards or make fun of my stubborn ass.”
I can see the confusion in her eyes, not understanding where I’m going.
“I know this might hurt us, and I understand the odds, but what if it’s us? What if we’re the lucky ones for once? And to take that risk, for the chance to be with you for however long I can hold onto you? I’m ready to make that bet.” Tears are forming in her eyes as she looks on with incredulousness.
“You’re my best friend, Stella. I don’t know when it happened, but it did. You became so important to me, I can’t let you go without knowing…
“Stella,” I say, looking into her eyes more intensely than I’ve ever looked at anything, needing her to hear this more than anything. “I love you.” I still.
“YuuWuvMm?” she asks, muffled by my hand. I laugh, throwing my head back and moving my hand to join the other on her waist.
“You love me?” she asks softly.
“I needed to say it. I’m so fucking in love with you it hurts.” She finally looks at my bag on the ground. “And if you’ll have me, I want to come with you.”
She stares at me in wonder, her eyes flicking to the window where the surprise storm still rages. “You ran to me in a snowstorm?”
“I cabbed to you while it was snowing, it’s very different.”
“Sure, stud.”
“I don’t know what my passion is, Stella, but you make me want to find it.” I cradle her head, tilting her to look into her eyes. “Until then, I can’t think of a better place to be than anywhere you are.”
“That’s a big speech, stud,” she teases, her eyes really taking me in.
“I practiced it on the way,” I joke.
“Can I tell you something?” she asks.
“Anything.”
“I love you too.”
I take a step back. “You do?” She nods and air fills my lungs like a weight has been lifted and I can finally breathe. “Are you sure? I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I know I’ve said some things…”
“You never had to earn it.” She reaches up to cup my cheek tilting my face to hers. “Love isn’t earned, it’s given.”
