Page 58 of To Go
I shake in his arms, letting myself feel everything I’ve been putting to the side for the last day. Every ache and pain of reliving the loss of my mother slamming into me all over again as I cry it out. James remains still, holding me while my strong façade collapses around me into rubble.
I cry for every birthday she missed. I cry for all the trips I never got to go on with her. I cry that she had to leave so soon, before I stopped needing her. I cry that I get to miss her while Hazel is confused and angry and hurt. I cry that her tears won’t be only of grief of what she’s lost, but of what she can never have now.
When the tears stop coming and the tsunami of emotions stills, James is rubbing my back, and if I quiet myself enough, I can hear a faint hum coming from him.
I let myself reach up his chest and pull on the back of his neck, bringing myself as tall as I can to meet his lips. He offers no resistance, responding to my touch immediately. His grip tightens, our breaths quickening as he deepens the kiss.
When we come up for air, I’m left staring into a perfect, green abyss. His eyes scan over me like he’s looking for something to be wrong. He must not find what he’s looking for, and he leans his forehead against mine.
“You need a shower to warm up, sunshine.” He says it like it’s a fact, standing with me still in his hold, then walks over to the bathroom. “And I’m going to join you.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I grapple with my words. “It’s like every loss is happening all over again.” I need him to know… I’m not sure what.
“Can I comfort you, Stella, please?” He tilts my chin up as my heart takes off in a gallop. “Just for the storm.”
I nod. “Just for the storm.”
Chapter 18
James
Iplace Stella on the bathroom counter while I fiddle with the shower, turning the knobs until the temperature is steaming but not boiling. Then, I turn to her and methodically remove her clothing, leaving grazing, reverent touches in my wake, watching goosebumps prickle to mark where I’ve been.
The slight shiver she gives when I finally have her naked in front of me is tantalizing. I don’t stop touching her, savouring the way she leans into me, subconsciously searching for my touch, my comfort, as I stand, tipping her chin to look at me.
Her pupils have bloomed, leaving a ring a blue around them. The feral look she gives me has blood rushing to my cock as I press in closer to her, savouring her laboured breaths. She’s looking at me like she wants to consume me.
“I know we said one time, but I can’t stop thinking about you and it’s driving me crazy. I want… I want more,” I murmur into her ear as I drag my lips along the column of her throat.
“You’re the one who was adamant that this wasn’t going to happen,” she whispers.
“Says the woman who left a note,” I tease her, running my lips over her pulse. She shudders, gripping me tighter. “Craving you is my new favourite pastime. Every time I see you, every time I get close to you, I’m holding myself back from kissing you, from whispering all the things I’m going to do to you in your ear, from wrapping your hair around my fist and showing you exactly how much I want you.” The words tumble out, each one a growl ripped from the possessive, caveman-like instinct to make her mine.
“You know, I’m starting to think you might be a romantic,” she murmurs. She leans into me as my arms band around her. The moment I have her in my hold again, it’s as if I’m finally coming up for air when I hadn’t even realized I was drowning. I’m an addict getting a hit they’ve been searching for. She’s the forbidden thing I can’t stop thinking about.
“You might be right.” Every other girl left my mind the moment she entered my bed. Stella is stuck there, snuggling into the farthest corner, exploring more of it than I even know. She’s carved her initials there, claiming me even if she doesn’t realize it. Even if this can’t last, if this isn’t meant for me, I don’t want to fight this anymore.
“Should I expect you to chase after me in the rain?” she teases.
“Don’t push it, sunshine,” I chuckle, checking the temperature of the water. Little does she know, I’m a goddamn liar. I’m starting to think I might chase her through almost anything.
I don’t want to wonder what might have happened if things were different, if there was an alternate future for me. I’m about to sign away my entire life, I just want to have this one part for myself before the ink dries.
But Nessa.
Before anything happens, I need one reassurance.
“You have to promise me one thing, sunshine.”
“What?”
I take a deep, focusing breath to get out the words, even as I grab a handful of her ass and grip her hair. “If things end… badly… pick Nessa.” She pulls away for a moment, looking up at me questioningly.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re her friend, and if it’s ever between me and her, pick her. Please, sunshine.” I need to know that what happened before will never happen again. Nessa will not lose people because of me.
I can’t lose Stella either.
