Page 94 of To Go
sure thing boss
Jill (Band)
James, you coming?
Chapter 35
Stella
Iwake up late for once, my vertebrae popping into place as I stretch my arms over my head. It’s been ages since I’ve had a day off. I would be working today if Beck hadn’t finally put his foot down and insisted on it.
After the band party last week, there’s been an uncomfortable sort of tension between James and me. Our texts have been fewer and farther between, we’ve only had time to see each other once, and when he did come over, it was brief.
Has whatever this is between us run its course? Is he done with it? Nausea builds in the back of my throat at the thought.
Maybe James is just done withme.
After everything that’s happened with Nessa since she found out, I couldn’t blame him if he was. She hasn’t reached out to me directly or even answered any of my texts. Beck has kept his word to respect her wishes and we haven’t been scheduled together sincethe incident. I think she even blocked me temporarily on social media. That one hurt. I called Hazel to talkto her about it, although she’s adamant that she won’t take sides. Coincidentally, after our call I was no longer blocked.
But the message has been clear. Stay the hell away.
I don’t doubt that James is receiving a similar treatment. I could see how they behaved around each other at the party, a discussion definitely happened. The only difference is that he’s her brother. Her last relative that she’s in contact with.
When we started this, he asked me to pick her. It only makes sense that he would do the same.
Which is fine. I was never meant to be permanent.
That’s what I keep telling myself over the course of the morning. My rationale is that if I keep myself busy, I won’t have time to miss him. I clean my entire (super tiny) apartment, I reorganize my (minimal) wardrobe, review my (meager) budget, declutter my (empty) fridge, and still, that thread of anxiety won’t stop pulling at my attention.
By the time I settle the unease that’s been churning since I woke, it’s practically midday. My phone has yet to receive a single notification.
The clenching behind my sternum only increases as I try to ignore my phone. I made friends here. I moved to the city by myself, found my own place, got a job, and I made friends. Really good friends, people I could rely on. Hazel makes sure people are safe, and well, and happy. Nessa brings excitement, energy, and joy. Beck’s been like a surrogate brother to me. And in one instant, it’s all gone.
I should have known better, really. This is my own fault. I knew that there was a risk when I started this all. I pursued James when I should have left well enough alone.
“At least when I travel, there’ll be less people to miss,” I try to rationalize, talking to the walls, not that they’ll ever answer. “This could actually be a good thing, forcing me out of my comfort zone. I get to experience more this way because there’snothing holding me back.” Or calling me back home. I could leave for however long I want, and no one will miss me.
No one will miss me.That thought hits me like a truck. I have no family left, and I just screwed up the first group of real friends that I’ve had in ages.
I will not cry over this. There has to be an upside, a positive that I haven’t thought of yet.But I come up empty. When my mother died, the positive was that she wasn’t in pain anymore. When people at school were weird about it and avoided me, it just meant I got to spend more quality time with my dad. When my dad died, he was no longer suffering and taking me down with him with his gambling and reckless behaviour.
There has to be a silver lining, I just have to find it.
I flop on my bed, ready to let the existential dread overtake me when my phone finally chimes.
Who could that be? Unlikely to be Nessa. Beck and I aren’t ‘texting friends.’ Maybe Hazel? She might have questions about what the hell I think I’m doing.My thoughts race through me as I dive for my phone on the floor.
It’s James.
Stud
can I come over to talk?
That can’t be good.
Stella
sure! What time works for you?
