Page 46 of Christmas Crisis
“Yeah, she’s on board.”
“And does she know you’re a twenty-seven-year-old man who still says, ‘no cap’?” I shook my head with a grin, beginning to resign myself to this scheme.
He huffed good-naturedly before continuing. “Darlin’, I hope you don’t mind, but I had to tell Shoshanna and Naomi about you. About us. They won’t tell anyone, but I had to explain that I was already in a real relationship. So they’d understand my limits.”
“Limits?”
He hummed, looking guilty. “Shoshanna was pushing for a lot more physical stuff. Frenching on the sidewalk or whatever, so paps would be sure to get the shot. She said it would just be more acting, like with the movie, but I said no. When she—and Naomi, for that matter—pressed me on it, I had to tell them about you so they’d stop pushing. But don’t worry, they won’t say anything.”
I snorted. “Obviously, unless they want to sabotage their own plan.”
“Exactly. I told them that if they really believe it will help with the movie, I could be fine with fake dating, as long as we fake a breakup after the release. I also said that I didn’t want to do physical stuff. Maybe a quick kiss on the lips or holding hands, really whatever you’re comfortable with, but I draw the line there.”
“And if I don’t agree?”
“Then I don’t do it. Full stop. I told Shoshanna and Naomi too. That this wasn’t a done deal until you and I talked.”
“You’d be willing to give up this supposedly amazing PR opportunity for me?”
“Don’t give me too much credit. I’m only halfway on board with it myself. But if you say no, then the whole idea dies… But, babes, I really hope you can see your way to agreeing. This would be stellar for my career.”
I sighed. I was already twisted up enough since I’d come home from Coleman Creek. Every time I was with Leo, it reminded me of what was missing from my relationship with Stone. It occurred to me that Stone wanting to start a fake romance with Naomi might be the perfect excuse for me to simply call it on our relationship, to walk away before it got messier or I became more invested.
But then I took an objective look at the way Stone was handling this request. The fact that he was asking forpermission, that he was considering my boundaries and was willing to walk away. He cared about me. Maybe I didn’t have the same connection to him I had with Leo, but I didn’t want to sell him short. Or give up on our potential too soon.
As to the question of his publicity stunt with Naomi, with the level of indecision and ambivalence I felt toward our relationship, it wasn’t fair to hold him back from something that might be a great career move.
“I’m okay with it, as long as we’re clear about those ground rules. If Shoshanna wants you to stage a choreographed fuckfest with Naomi in some Vegas hotel, I’m out.”
His shoulders shook with laughter. “Nah. That’s the image of me I’m trying to get away from. The idiot bad boy. If I’m gonna be somebody’s fake boyfriend, I’m gonna treat her like a lady.”
I couldn’t stop my smile. Despite everything—staying casual, keeping our relationship a secret, all our various external pressures—Stone had treated me with nothing but respect over the past three months. He would have gone public already if I’d allowed it. Instead, he’d waited for me. On some level, it felt nice to do this for him.
At least in theory. I was going to hate it the first time I saw a picture of him holding hands with Naomi online. Pushing the thought aside, I relaxed my expression. I could give him this.
My arms rested around his neck. “It won’t require much acting on your part to convince people you’re a great boyfriend.”
He kissed the tip of my nose. “Good to know.”
Chapter fourteen
Leo
NOW
The first night in Marley and James’s house, I didn’t sleep much. I held Miranda in my arms and let my thoughts run wild.
Nosing her hair, feeling the rhythmic rise and fall of her stomach beneath my palm, I drank in the absolute miracle that was sexual attraction.
I’d given up on the idea of finding someone. I’d let Ilona’s words condemn me to being alone instead of taking them forwhat they were—an indicator that she and I were a bad match. Her hurtful insult had landed like a bomb in my life, landing squarely on my insecure and questioning mid-twenties self.
I understood only now how much power I’d given Ilona’sdisgust,that once I’d gotten into the habit of hiding my asexuality, I’d stopped trying to understand myself.
Telling Miranda was the first step in a new direction. And I’d finally opened up to my brother after his wedding in July. Our talk helped me be receptive to other ways of defining myself, options beyond being like everyone else or being alone.
There were loads of articles about ace people who found companionship with other ace people, or with non-ace people who found ways to make it work. Some couples even opted for non-monogamy. I couldn’t see myself being okay with an open relationship, but I could be amenable to talking about it, keeping an open mind. Ilona calling me “a waste” had come at the worst possible moment, at a time in my life when that sentiment did the most damage. And as much as I’d found fulfillment and a happy life without a romantic partner since then, I was ready to explore alternatives.
Even if Miranda could never be mine, if she and Stone made it work, she’d given me a tremendous gift in showing me that I deserved to be loved. And also that I could love someone else. There were a million ways to be asexual, and I was ready for something different from what I’d been doing.
