Page 71 of Christmas Crisis
A year ago, I would have worried his comment stemmed from the body image issues he’d battled since high school. But he’d come a long way since meeting Marley, so his teasing smile didn’t surprise me.
“Are you trying to make me tell you that you’re hot?”
“Duh.” He chuckled. “But seriously, is it because you don’t enjoy going out? I know the apps can be a minefield.”
I gripped my mug. “It’s complicated. Or simple, I guess, depending on which way you look at it.”
Part of me wanted to blurt it out to him, but after keeping this piece of myself inside for so long, I was having trouble putting it out there.
When I didn’t continue, James said, “I used to think maybe you just did everything on the down-low, like you’re a secret player and wanted to keep it all private. But these past few years…” His expression pinched.
“What?”
James sat up straighter. “These past few years, I’ve seen how you are with Miranda. I know the two of you are just friends, but—brother—the way you light up when you’re with her. How you play off one another. It’s not something everyone gets.” I stared hard at him. He must have mistaken my expression for annoyance because he added, “Sorry if I’m overstepping. Like I said, it’s none of my business.”
“No,” I reassured him. “I understand. And you’re not wrong. Truthfully, hearing you say it out loud makes it more real. Miranda and I completely click. I’m comfortable with her in a way I’ve never been before.”
“That’s major, Leo.” He hesitated. “There’s really nothing more than friendship there?”
I thought about how much James didn’t know. I couldn’t talk to him about Stone, about how Miranda was already in a relationship with an internet clown.
“It’s okay,” James said. “You don’t have to tell me. Just know that I’m here for you.”
I couldn’t talk to my brother about Stone. But I could talk to him about me.
Adjusting myself in the chair, I twisted toward him. “Actually, I think it might be good to—… Things might be changing with me, so maybe it’s time.” I steepled my fingers together beneath my chin.
“Time for what?”
“You mentioned that it seems like I’ve been holding myself back? Well, there’s a reason for that. Like, a specific reason.”
“This is a thing that Miranda knows?”
“Mm-hmm.” I ran a hand through my hair.
After a minute of silence, James laughed a little. “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me, Leo.”
“I’m working myself up to it.”
“But you really don’t have to. If it’s going to cause you stress, we can wait until you’re ready—”
“I’m asexual—”
“…to tell… Wait, what?”
“I don’t experience sexual attraction to people.”
James’s head shook slightly. “I know what asexual means.” His forehead furrowed, and I knew he was processing, reconciling what I’d said with everything he could remember. Finally, he asked, “Ilona?”
“That’s how I knew, man. I liked her, maybe could have stayed with her, but in the end, I couldn’t get it up enough to keep her happy, and she couldn’t accept it.”
“Damn.” James sucked in his lips. “That's rough.”
I nodded. “It was. And I recognize in hindsight that she was crueler than she needed to be about it. Especially at the end. She called me names. Made me feel like less of a man, I guess. And maybe it was my fault for letting her get to me, but you need to understand that I was in a much different headspace then. My experience with Ilona was enough for me to give myself the ace label, but I had a lot of mixed feelings—shame—around it.”
James slid his patio chair closer to mine. “This seems like it might be a longer conversation.”
“Probably not one to have right before your honeymoon. But you have the short version now.”
