Page 85 of Christmas Crisis
“Nothing. Said he'd text later."
Stone left for LAX after eleven. Hopefully, he’d get a few days off soon to come home so I could do what needed to be done.
But my impending breakup wasn’t the main thing on my mind. For the rest of the day and into the night, I paced around my apartment, picking up my phone and putting it down. Alternately waiting for Leo’s text and dreading it.
But he never texted.
Not that day.
Or the next.
Or the next.
No calls either.
And I was too scared to call him. Too scared that I might discover I’d lost the best thing in my life.
I went to work, trying to be friendly with my still-chilly coworkers. I went on a hike outside the city and posted the pictures to @theadventurousmiranda. That made me feel worse.
Weeks passed, and I felt hollower and hollower.
I was so good at faking, I didn’t think anyone noticed. Marley and Maureen seemed hesitant about leaving me alone for Thanksgiving, but I assured them I was looking forward to it and too bogged down with work, anyway. My college friends invited me to a Friendsgiving, but putting on a cheerful face for them was an absolute nonstarter.
Stone never got away for a visit. I muddled through a few calls with him, but mostly I brooded and let the empty feeling take hold. The thought that I might have pushed Leo too far had me reeling.
The night before Thanksgiving, halfway through a vodka bottle and at the bottom of a french fry carton, I opened my Instagram app and began scrolling through my photos.
I might not be happy, but if there was one thing I was good at, it was pretending.
Chapter twenty-three
Leo
NOW
By some miracle, I managed to keep my mind focused on holding the tree upright. Marley and James knelt by the base, trying to secure the metal screws into the trunk. Oscar and Bambi observed from their rug in front of the fireplace, staring at their owners withwe can’t believe you brought a tree into the house we’re not allowed to pee onenergy.
It took several attempts to get the tree secured without an obvious tilt. I appreciated the distraction, since a notinsignificant part of me wanted to bum-rush Miranda and Stone on the porch.
Maybe having him show up was the reminder I needed to keep my selfish desire for her under wraps. I’d had my chance, and it was nearly two years ago.
I wished I had figured out before then that I was the type of person whose feelings developed over time, that, in fact, time was the only way feelings could develop. If I had known that was a possibility, I could have given her the information and let her decide if she wanted to be patient, to see if more than friendship grew between us.
But I hadn’t done that. I’d drawn a line in the sand that first weekend in my apartment, telling her I wanted friendship and only that. When I’d disclosed my asexuality a few months later, she'd bravely admitted she would have been open to something between us. But by the time she started dating Stone last fall, our moment had passed.
And yet…
She clearly wanted the truth from me. I’d been about to confess when Stone showed up.
After we got the tree set up, Marley sat on the couch to admire it. “Looks good. We can put the lights on tomorrow.”
James gazed at it too. “Do you think if we stare at it hard enough, it’ll decorate itself?”
“Decorating can wait a day or two.” Marley laughed.
There were already two other trees in this house brimming with ornaments, lights, and garland. How much stuff did she have?
Marley smirked, reading my mind. “I have infinite capacity to Christmas-ify the house, Leo.”
