Page 88 of Christmas Crisis
“Who, Leo?” She leaned into my chest and tightened her arms around me, drifting a finger into my back belt loop.
“Miranda—”
I groaned as her mouth trailed up my Adam’s apple, leaving a path of heated skin as she planted tender kisses along my neck.
“You never gave me an answer before,” she said, moving one hand forward to squeeze my waist. “Are we just friends? … Or something else?”
“Mir—”
Suddenly, her hand stopped moving.
She pulled away.
It happened quickly, as though someone had thrown a bucket of water on us.
I stared down at her. One second, she’d been like a siren, and I’d never felt soseduced. But now, her expression was moredisoriented.
She worried her bottom lip with her teeth.
“Panda?”
Her forehead tipped onto my chest.
“I’m sorry, Leo.” She sighed. “I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m so out of my element. I was trying to be…sexy, I guess. Because I’m pretty sure I’m not wrong about what’s happening here.” Almost guiltily, she continued, “But I just realized the playbook with you might be different. Something is changing between us, but I shouldn't assume that means you want me to…touch you. I don’t want to do anything that doesn't feel good to you.”
I gazed at her. She didn’t want to risk hurting me.
She wanted to know how to be with me.
And that understanding helped me be honest.
“For the record, I loved everything you were doing just now.” I stepped back and put my hands on her shoulders, meeting her gaze. “When I said you had options, I meant that I am an option. Me.” Breath whooshed from my lungs. “Over the summer, I figured out that I’m not as ace as I thought I was. At least not when it comes to you. It feels selfish to say it because I don’t know exactly what I’m capable of. But I know I want you. As a man. As…a lover. Watching you with Stone made me crazy—not just because he didn’t deserve you, but also because I was jealous. I didn't call back after Halloween because I was confused about how honest I should be. I'm not anymore. Cards on the table, Panda. I want you. And I know you well enough to know you wouldn’t be kissing my throat and pushing me like this if you hadn’t just broken up with Stone on your sister’s front porch—” I paused, and she nodded. “I guess that’s where we stand now.”
“You want to be with me? Be my boyfriend for real?”
“I’ve always been yours, Miranda. Boyfriend is just a new title. You are the person I’ve been waiting for all my life. Andthat’s true whether we’re friends or something more. You’re everything.”
Her face lit up, and she placed her palms on my chest. “And your asexuality?”
“Still feels true. Evolving, maybe. There’s another label, demisexual, that might be more fitting, but to be honest, I don’t really care about having a specific word for it.”
She hugged me again. “Then you don’t have to. It’s nobody’s business anyway. Never has been.”
The negative associations I’d internalized about my asexuality had kept me from deepening my relationships with friends and coworkers. Even my parents and James.
“I don’t need a label,” I declared. “All I need to know is that the thought of being with you brings me joy rather than anxiety, and you’re the only woman I’ve ever felt that way about. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a huge sex drive, but if you still want to be with me, knowing that, then I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”
“Leo, I meant what I told you a long time ago. I like sex. But it’s not the most important thing. And not having lots of it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker. You’re safe with me to be honest about whatever you’re feeling.”
“I know, Panda.” I kissed her on the nose. “And if I told you that I want to be with you, but I don’t know exactly how I want to be touched, or how often, what would you say?”
“I’d say that you just need to tell me what you would enjoy and what you want. I’ll do the same, and we’ll see from there. It doesn't matter if we have to muddle through. Loving you and having you as my partner is more important than whatever we get up to in the bedroom."
“Muddling through sounds like fun." I laughed.
She grinned. “If there’s anything my lukewarm relationship with Stone taught me, it’s what it looks like when a couple burnshot. That’s what you and I have—heat. It has nothing to do with sex.”
“Well, then, hopefully you won’t be too disappointed to learn that I'm actually pretty interested in the sex part of things. That seductress routine you were doing earlier—? Next time, you don’t need to stop. Don't hold yourself back because you’re worried about my reaction. As long as it’s you, I want it all.”
