Page 23 of Wild Forever
“Is that where you were when Karen had the accident? Were you in rehab?”
I shake my head, ashamed to admit that when Karen had the accident I was trying to hold down a waitressing job doing double shifts, so I could afford the Fentanyl that I needed to get through each day.
Karen was so frightened of my addiction that the last time we saw each other we argued, and she told me she didn’t want me around her daughter. But it wasn’t until her death, until I lost her and then wasn’t considered a suitable guardian for Bailey, that I became determined to kick the darkness for good no matter what.
“I went into rehab after Karen passed. When I realized I was going to lose my niece, lose the only family I had left.”
I hang my head, ashamed of what I was. Ashamed that the addiction got ahold of me so easily. I thought I was strong. I had survived the loss of my parents as a child, but my therapist helped me realize that that childhood trauma may have helped fan the addiction.
Grant strides across the room, and his hand cups my chin.
“Look at me when we’re talking. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
I look into his eyes, not daring to hope that he might understand. That he might see me as something other than an addict.
“You don’t want me to go? You aren’t worried about me being around Bailey?” It comes out as a whisper because my throat is clogged with emotion.
Grant shakes his head. “No, April. Addiction is a sickness. It’s something you fight and recover from. It’s not a reason to give up on someone.”
Emotion overwhelms me, and I crumple against him. It’s more than I deserve, that this man understands the fight I’ve been through, that I still battle with every time my back hurts or something makes me anxious.
“Talk to me, April. Tell me everything. No more secrets.”
Grant makes me a coffee, and we talk for a long time.
I tell him everything. The prescribed painkillers and then the ones I got on the street. The addiction that left me worn out and exhausted but craving the next hit. Knowing I needed to kick the habit but never quite being able to. The waiting lists on the programs, so that every time I thought I was making progress, there wouldn’t be enough funding for the next round.
Then the unexpected inheritance from Karen. Money from our parents that she’d never told me about. Half of it was hers and went to Bailey, but the other half was mine.
I used some of the money to get private help. To get into a good rehab center and get the therapy I needed to kick the addiction.
But it didn’t help me get the one thing I wanted. I thought I’d be able to turn up and get custody of Bailey, that Grant would be happy to hand her over to another relative. But the authorities saw my record. I was caught once with Fentanyl, and now I’m forever a junkie in the system, marked as an addict.
Grant listens to it all quietly, occasionally shaking a toy for Bailey and picking her up when she starts to whine.
He puts her down for her morning nap and I slouch on the sofa, my body suddenly tired. I feel exhausted but free. Talking about it is the best therapy, and whatever happens now, at least Grant knows my truth.
When Grant comes back into the room, he sits next to me on the couch.
“What help do you need to get better?” He takes my hands in his and warmth spreads from them, reviving my tired bones. “Whatever you need, April, I’m here for you. You’ve got family now. Me and Bailey. If you want to stay here with me, that is.”
Happy tears sting my eyes, because it’s too much to hope for.
“You mean it?”
“I love you, April. I want you here, and I’ll do whatever it takes to help you stay on the right path.”
His words are a balm to my soul. Just having him here and having his support feels like enough. But if I’m going to beat this for good, I need to give myself the best chance.
“Honestly, I’m not sure. I think keeping up the therapy will help. But being here with you in the mountains is already helping. Doing things like hiking again, ice skating, getting a job will help. I don’t know if the addiction will ever take hold of me again, Grant. I honestly don’t know.”
His hand cups my cheeks. “We’ll work through it, honey. Whatever comes up, I’m here for you. And not just me. You wanted family, you’ve got an entire MC now. We’ll support you in any way we can.”
I swipe at my eyes, and my chest swells. For the first time there’s no restlessness, no craving for anything other than what I have right here before me.
A warm glow spreads around me, and the air seems to hum. It feels like I’m high, but this one is all natural.
I’ve got the love of a good man and I’ve got my niece. I’ve got family, and I’ve got love. It’s better than any synthetic high could ever provide.
