Page 38 of Wild Weekend
His expression softens slightly, and there’s empathy in his look. “It doesn’t excuse any of the things that I did.” I take a deep breath. My therapist also taught me to own my actions and to be accountable for the choices I made, even the bad ones.
“Cleo kept me straight for a while, but when she aged out of the system, I went off the rails for a few years.”
He folds his arms across his chest, and I keep talking.
“I got in with a bad crowd. I didn’t fully understand what they were doing. We used to hang out at a local basketball court, and lots of people would stop by. I never knew they were selling drugs.”
He raises his eyebrows at me and I know how that sounds, but it’s true. Kind of. I knew in the back of my mind that something was going down, but it was nevertalked about and I never asked questions. As I grew older, I began to realize I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to hang around these so-called friends anymore. But they were all I had.
“One night I had been drinking.”
“Just drinking?” There’s accusation in his voice, but I don’t blame him for asking.
“Yes. Just drinking. The police turned up, and we ran. Someone threw a backpack to the ground, and I stumbled over it and tripped. The police caught me with the backpack full of drugs and cash.”
The memory still makes me bitter, that the worst offenders got away and I was the one caught red-handed. I didn’t even know what was in the backpack. But the police didn’t believe me. In their eyes, I was one more problem they were getting off the street.
I had just turned eighteen and got the full force of the law.
“I went to prison.” I say it quietly, ashamed to admit it to this man who’s done nothing but good with his life. “It was the low point of a pretty shit life.”
Will uncrosses his arms and takes half a step towards me. Then stops. There’s indecision on his face, and I can’t blame him for that.
“I got therapy for the first time. I worked through the trauma of losing my mom and saw how destructive my behavior had been since. I vowed to do better. I promised myself I’d change.”
“Is this why you ran?”
I nod. “I’m one fuck-up after another, Will. I knew ifyou knew the truth about me, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. You’re a lawyer. You can’t be with someone with a criminal record. And when I found out about your sister…”
I slide the ring off my finger. “I can’t ask you to forgive me for what I’ve done. I have to live with the consequences of my actions every day of my life.”
I put the ring on the table by the door, and when I look at Will, his eyes are shiny with tears.
“I’m sorry you wasted a trip out here.”
He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t try to stop me either. I’m fighting tears as I open the motel door room and step outside.
He doesn’t follow me as I cross the parking lot and get on my bike.
As I ride back to my apartment, I let the tears flow. But I feel lighter. At least he knows what I am. I’ve told him the entire truth about me. At least that’s one less burden to carry.
19
WILL
The motel door clicks shut behind Stella, and I listen to her footsteps as she walks away. Part of me longs to follow her, but the other part of me is so angry at her for not telling me sooner.
Conflicting emotions fight for space in my heart. I feel for the adolescent Stella, passed from foster home to foster home, scared and heartbroken, wanting somewhere to belong.
It took all of my restraint not to go to her and fold her into my arms.
But I can’t overlook what she did. She dealt drugs. She sold drugs to people just like Cara. She could be responsible for the deaths of users. Users with families left heartbroken by their losses.
Since Cara’s overdose, I’ve been hard on my stance on drugs. There’s no place for them in this world, and dealers are scum. But Stella’s situation sounds like she’s avictim as well. A victim of a shitty system that left her broken and scared and with not many choices.
And if what she says is true, she wasn’t doing the dealing, just hanging around with a bad crowd and in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I run a hand through my wet hair and pull on the ends.
