Page 18 of An Angel for the Cowboy
“Jane and I were high school sweethearts. We were in love. She wanted to marry me. But her feelings changed.”
He sighs.
"Please get out of the barn. I need to be alone."
"Chance, please—"
He storms out, heads away from the barn and house.
I stumble back to the house, wiping the tears streaming down my face. I’ve never seen him this completely closed off. It's like the man who held me so tenderly has disappeared.
I curl up on my bed and clutch a pillow to my chest.
He's choosing fear over love. And I don't know how to fight for someone who won't fight for himself.
Chance
It’searlyChristmasmorning.I’ve been thinking about Anita the whole night. Knowing she’s hurting and worse, that I gave her that pain, is killing me.
The thought of her leaving terrifies me. I want to see her every day, riding Honey, cooking breakfast, chatting with Mel and lying sated in my bed.
I love her.
God help me, I'm desperately in love with Anita. Have been since the moment she stepped out of that taxi with her suitcase full of Christmas decorations and hope in her eyes.
My legs give out, and I sink into a chair, my head in my hands. The kitchen is too quiet. Like it had been for years before she arrived.
I glance at the garland draped over the doorway, the nativity scene on the side table with the angel on top and the stockings hanging from the mantle, including the one Anita made for herself with careful stitches. The scent of cinnamon lingers in the air. Anita’s love is everywhere on this ranch, in me and in Mel.
In return for the love she gave us, she’s getting rejection and pain. Not because I don’t love her back; I’m terrified of the heartache I’d suffer if she left me.
I crash out of my chair.
This isn’t me.
I’ve judged Jane for abandoning Mel and me when life became hard, yet I’m doing the same thing. I am hurting Anita and forsaking our relationship because being together while fearing she’ll leave is something I find hard.
Mom used to say that fear makes us stupid. It leads us to choose the wrong things, protect the wrong parts of ourselves. I've been so afraid of the pain of losing that I forgot there are no guarantees in life.
But I can choose, despite my fear and the difficulties ahead, to stay in this relationship Anita and I have built. I can choose to make her, Mel and me happy, each day at a time. And as I gaze at the signs of Anita’s love, I realize my fear of losing her now is greater than my fear of her possibly abandoning Mel and me one day.
The sound of Anita's soothing voice breaks through my thoughts. She's upstairs talking to Mel, and although I can’t make out the words, I can hear the love in her tone.
I rush out of the kitchen. Take the stairs two at a time and knock on Mel's door.
“Come in,” Mel answers.
They are sitting on Mel’s bed. I look at my daughter.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
She nods, but I can see she’s worried. I know Anita well enough to guess she wouldn’t scare the girl with our conversation from last night, but Mel sensed things weren’t right between me and Anita since Zeke’s call.
“Anita, can we please talk?”
She looks exhausted, as if she didn’t sleep much either. She heads out of the room. I follow her downstairs and sit opposite her at the kitchen table.
"I love you. I've been in love with you since the moment you stepped out of that taxi and was too scared to admit it. You were right about that. I realized I was behaving like Jane, giving up on our relationship instead of working through it together. I’m terrified that one day you’ll leave. But I’m choosing you.”
