Page 50 of False Start
“Z?”
“Why did you do it?” I ask.
“Baby… She…”
I cut him off. “You sacrificed this… us, for an orgasm with a woman who meant nothing to you. I could see if you fell in love with another woman, but you didn’t. I mean that would be awful, and I’d still be devastated, but you hate her.”
“Yeah, babe, I hate her.”
“Then what did you gain by killing us?”
“I lost everything I give a fuck about.”
“You still have football.”
He scoffs. “The dream was football and you. For a while, I had my cake and I was eating it, too, but I took you being there for granted. Football isn’t the same without my favorite coach.”
“Why did you leave this morning?”
“Because I was overwhelmed. You let me sleep next to you for the first time in almost two years. I couldn’t sleep all night because I couldn’t quit staring at you being so close to me. I couldn’t stop inhaling your scent, or touching your skin. I didn’t know if you were going to be pissed because we slept together again. I didn’t want a perfect night to end that way, so I left.”
I don’t know what to say. I dry my eyes and take the flowers into the kitchen for vase. Bryant follows. “I didn’t want to leave. It’s just you’re pissed at me most of the time, and I didn’t think I could handle it if you woke up angry. Not after you connected with me last night. Thing is, I want this to work between us. I want to earn your trust back, but we can’t do it alone. We need help from someone.”
“Like who?”
“A therapist we both can agree to. Someone you feel will be fair to us both. It isn’t about winning in therapy, it’s about working past our problems and finding a way to be together. Because you can’t tell me you weren’t there with me last night. I felt all of you, baby. You gave that to me, and the only reason I can think you would do that is you still love me. I’ve wondered for a while now, but after last night, there’s not a doubt in my mind.”
He’s asked me to therapy before, but I was too angry to consider it. Something changed, and I’m not sure when it happened. But he crawled underneath my skin again when I wasn’t looking. He made me remember all the great times we’ve spent together and how amazing of a man he is. He made me remember falling in love with him, and he spent all afternoon looking for the stupid flowers I carried when we were married. If I’m honest, I was scared this morning when he wasn’t there. It was the first time in eight years of knowing each other that he wasn’t there in the way that I knew he wasn’t going anywhere. That he’d always be by my side. I didn’t know where he was this morning or if I’d pushed him too far in my anger.
“Okay, I’ll try one visit.”
His eyes light up like I haven’t seen them in ages. He clasps his hands together and brings them up to his lips. “You won’t regret this.”
“Can you be at my place after work?” he asks. “We can ride together.”
I stick the flowers in the vase and place them on the counter beside me before I turn around to face him. “I think I’d rather take my own car, you know, in case I don’t feel like talking after. Do you already have an appointment?”
“Yes, I found someone who can fit us in and keep our details private.” I can tell he wants to object to me meeting him there. He wants to escort me home and make sure I’m okay, thatwe’reokay, or as okay as we can be right now. “I get it. I’ll back off.”
“It’s not what I meant. I just don’t know how I’ll feel after. I may be upset and want to be alone.”
“Okay,” he says.
“Don’t make me feel bad for it.”
“Of course, not. I get it. I really do.”
“Thank you for the flowers. They’re beautiful.”
“You’re welcome. I’m going to head home. I need sleep after last night.”
“I’m sure. Rest well. And this doesn’t count as a date.” He smirks at me.
“What?
“Did you hear about Ben?”
Outside of professional football, I haven’t heard Ben Slate’s name in months. Zina doesn’t talk about him, and we didn’t keep in touch after the divorce since he’s Bryant’s best friend. “No.”
