Page 48 of Discovery of the Vampire
"Mm." I wasn't surprised. The shame inside of me could be felt by God, so it made sense that my newest creator would feel it, too.
"So, what is it that happened?"
I clenched my jaw, still refusing to meet his gaze. "I fucked up."
He made an affirming sound. "This is about the lass, is it? Esme?"
It took me a few seconds to answer. I didn't want to. I didn't want to admit what I'd done out loud. "I lost control. I fucking hurt her. I couldn't stop myself, and now..." I couldn't bring myself to finish, the weight of my actions crushing down on my chest until I was unable to speak.
Killian was silent for a moment, and I could feel his stare boring into the side of my head. "Did ye kill her?"
"No!" I snapped my head towards him, my eyes wide with horror. "No," I said again. "I didn't...I wouldn't..."
His knowing eyes met mine. "No. I'd say ye wouldn't have done that." Crossing his arms, he leaned back in the pew, his eyes wandering toward the candlelit pulpit. "I don't like this place. I wish ye'd find somewhere else to confess your sins."
"She'll never forgive me."
Killian looked up at the ceiling, cocking his head to the side as he studied the scene above us. "Aye, that may be true. But I sincerely doubt it. Ye haven't done anything that's so unforgivable. I think ye're worrying about nothing."
I shook my head, self-loathing churning in my gut. "You didn't see the way she looked at me. Like I was a monster."
"We are monsters, lad. But that doesn't mean we're irredeemable." Killian's voice was gentle, understanding. "After all, if the Lord didn't want us to be this way, then why did He create us?"
"I don't think He did create us. I think we're the spawn of satan."
"Who told ye that?"
"No one," I admitted. "They don't exactly teach about vampires in church." I glanced over at him. "But can you honestly sit there and tell me you don't believe it's true? You grew up in an Irish family, did they not teach you to fear God?"
"Oh, sure they did. But that doesn't mean they were right."
I stared at his profile, not knowing what to say.
"When I found ye," he mused, "ye were hanging from a rafter in an abandoned church much like this one, the rope cutting into yer throat until you bled. Trying to end yer life on this earth. Yer human life so terrible, ye thought taking your chances with eternal damnation in hell would be better. That's what the so-called priests in yer cult did to ye. Riddled ye with so much guilt that ye were less afraid of facing satan for committing suicide than ye were of living with the shame of breaking their made-up rules." When he looked at me, his gold eyes were darkened with hate. "So why do ye give anything they said all of those years ago any worth now?"
"Because their teachings are still with me," I confessed. "And I can't help but wonder if what they said was true."
Killian put his hand on my knee. "I know they are. But ye need to listen to me now, and know that I would never lie to ye. Brogan. Are ye listening?"
I ran one hand over my face and took a deep breath.
"Are ye listening?" he asked again, louder this time.
"I am."
"Then look at me."
Turning my head, I met his eyes.
"Those elders in that cult, they're the ones who lied to ye, twisting everything to keep ye afraid and obedient. Calling natural instincts sins and spouting shite. Ye're a bloody vampire. Feedin' is what ye are. Lovin' yer mate is what ye are. Ye think ye were made this way just to suffer for it?"
I couldn't answer him, because I honestly didn't know.
"Guilt's the chain they wrapped around yer throat, lad. Ye didn't need one of yer own. But ye're not theirs anymore. Ye'refree. So start acting like it." He paused. "They wanted ye to believe love was dangerous, that pleasure was somethin’ to fear. But tell me, when ye’re with her, when ye drink from her, do ye feel wicked? Or do ye feel alive?"
He didn't wait for me to respond. He didn't need to. He could see the answer written all over my face.
"Yer mate isn't some forbidden fruit. She’s bound to ye, same as ye are to her. Denyin’ that? Now that’s the real crime. Ye were reborn when I found ye.Isaved ye. Not some vengeful god. This is yer second chance at life.”
