Page 7 of Abigail
It’s been years since Sharon’s baby daddy Shawn had disappeared without a trace, but Sharon’s anger hasn’t waned. She’d been worried about him at first thinking something bad had happened to him, but as time went by and the local PD couldn’t locate anything, she came to believe he’d just up and taken off. It was a shame. Sharon and Sara still miss him even if Sharon tries to pretend that she hates him for leaving. Mother and daughter had had a rough few years after he disappeared. They’d lost their home in a nice neighborhood and been forced to sell most of their belongings just to survive. They’d finally managed to semi-land on their feet about the time Abi and Ellie moved in next door to them in this crappy apartment complex. While Abi feels bad for the pair to have lost Shawn, she’s very grateful to know them both. Sharon has become a good friend and Sara like a second daughter. They are like family now.
CHAPTERSIX
A week after what has become known as the BBQ incident, Straw is packing his suitcase for a trip across the country. His team is traveling to the Naval base in San Diego. They are headed for a couple of weeks of meetings and training sessions. They will be meeting with a couple of SEAL teams they have worked with before. There is a group of insurgents that the teams will be joining forces to take down in the near future. They will need to review all the intel and get in some training with the teams. Straw usually loves these kinds of trips. The change in scenery and a mix up of their usual training, but this trip he is dreading.
Why? You might ask? It’s simple. Many of his teammates, his brothers in arms, have found love and settled down in the last few years. While Straw is still in the majority on the team being a bachelor, he is no longer enjoying the free life of bachelorhood. Seeing the happy couples holding hands, running after their children, or stealing a kiss when they think no one is looking just irks him. It shouldn’t, but it does, and that makes him feel like a royal asshole, which makes him even more aggravated. He’s never considered wanting to settle down or have a family. At least he hadn’t until one of his closest friends, Wallace found and fell in love with Emma.
Curtis Wallace is only a couple months older than Straw. They first met at special forces training and became fast friends. They’d been lucky to get assigned to the same team after finishing their training. They’d enjoyed a few happy years saving the world and coming back to base and picking up women at a local bar for some R & R. However, as the older men on the team began giving up bachelorhood for a minivan and kids, Wallace changed. He no longer wanted to go out with Straw and the guys. He had begun to prefer sitting at Hawk’s or Deadeye’s places entertaining their kids.
All the men on the teams had been single at one time. Hawk, the leader of them all, had been a staunch die-hard-never-getting-married-again bachelor. His first marriage had ended badly and he’d declared he wasn’t going to go through that again. He would happily remain single and with help of his parents and siblings raise his son Brian all on his own. He had maintained that mantra over sixteen years, until a few years ago when he found Charlotte in the Columbian jungle while they were on a mission. It was a love-at-first-sight, whirlwind romance that ended in twin boys and now a daughter even though they were both in their forties when they met.
Straw had thought the man was crazy, going through a mid-life crisis or some shit, but apparently, he’d been wrong. The two are as deeply in love as ever despite having three small children in addition to their older children from their previous relationships. Straw has no doubt about how happy they are. He can see it in how they interact with each together. More than that he can feel it when he is around them. When Hawk looks across the room at Charlotte, it’s easy to see the love radiating in his eyes and the same with her. Even when they disagree about something both work hard to find a solution that works for both of them. It is the healthiest, sickeningly sweet relationship Straw has ever witnessed. They even still regularly take a weekend to get away to just be with each other.
Straw had been mostly raised by his grandmother, Lucille. She did the best she could, but it had been a tough upbringing. His mom had been in and out of their lives. She’d bounced from one bad relationship to another, using drugs and alcohol to numb her pain and unhappy heart. His grandmother had told him stories about his grandfather and how they had met and fallen in love. How good life had been for them. They’d never had a lot of money, but they had a home filled with love. Straw’s mother had been thirteen years old when he passed away. She’d been a daddy’s girl, and his death had a profound effect on her.
Lucille had been honest about how his death had changed his mother and how difficult it had been when he died suddenly while working as a logger. A tree had fallen the wrong way, and he’d been unable to get out of the way in time. His grandmother never dated or had a significant other in her life after losing her husband. Straw had asked his grandmother once when he was about ten years old why she didn’t have a boyfriend or husband. Her reply had stuck with him.
“I was very fortunate to have met your grandfather,” she began. Her voice was thick with emotion and he could tell it was taking a lot out of her to talk about it. “When you find the one person who completes you so fully, it’s a magical thing.” The look on her face said she was being sincere. “He loved me so well and good, I couldn’t and didn’t want to find anyone else.
“When I lost him so suddenly, I fell apart. I couldn’t function for a long time, too lost in my own grief. I still had your mother to raise and she was grieving too. I let her down. I wasn’t there for her like she needed when she lost her father. I was such a mess. I didn’t want to go on without him, and therefore I wasn’t there for her when she needed me most. I allowed alcohol to numb my pain and didn’t notice she had begun to use it too.
“When you came along, I finally pulled my head out of my butt. I knew I had to get myself together for you. I joined alcohol anonymous, AA and got myself together. You needed me and I realized I couldn’t continue to wallow in my misery. However, it was too late for your momma. She managed to sober up during her pregnancy, but after you were born, she spiraled out of control. I later found out why, but that’s a conversation for another time.
“Now, back to your question, I haven’t allowed myself to open my heart to anyone like I did with him again. It just hurt too much when I lost him. He was my everything and then he was gone in the blink of an eye. I knew I would never survive going through that again. Having you to care for saved me. I’m sorry that I let your momma down. And I’m very sorry she can’t find it in herself to get clean and sober for you. So much of that is on me.” Her voice was again thick with emotion and it cracked as she fought to hold back her tears. “I didn’t set the right example for her. She needed me, and I let her down in the worst way.” She patted me on the leg signaling the end of their heavy conversation.
A couple of years later, Straw’s grandmother had passed away after a brief illness with breast cancer. His mother had tried to step in, as she was fresh out of rehab for the millionth time, but she was still flighty and unreliable. She suffered from bipolar disorder and couldn’t keep a job or a roof over their heads. She would leave him on his on for days at a time. Often, they had no electricity or running water. Food was whatever he got while at school or when he was invited to Tank’s for supper. He was about to be put in foster care again when Tank’s family took him in and gave him a stable environment.
Straw had met Tank when he was eight years old. They had become good friends and spent a lot of time together over the years. Tank was being raised by his grandparents too. Tank’s parents along with his little sister had died in an auto accident when Tank was only four years old. His father’s parents had gotten custody of him and his older sister. When they heard about Straw’s grandmother’s illness, they frequently brought food over when she was taking treatments. They made sure Straw went to school and did his homework. After her death, they continued to check in on him. When social services got involved, Tank’s grandparents offered to become his foster parents. They had done a good job giving him a roof over his head, keeping him in school, and keeping him fed.
Straw had never forgotten that conversation. Every time he goes on a date or has a one-night stand, her words would ring in his ears. “When you find that one person who completes you so fully, it’s a magical thing.”Straw knows he will never settle for anything less than the unattainable love of his grandparents’ relationship. He’d sometimes wonder if his grandmother embellished their relationship in her mind since he had died so tragically. He had begun to think that type of relationship didn’t exist, but then he saw that relationship in Hawk and Charlotte. Later with Deadeye and Elise, Ace and Daisy, and, most recently, Wallace and Emma.
Seeing it in reality has him thinking perhaps it is possible to find true love and have a loving relationship. If true love is possible, is it possible for him to find that type of relationship, too? Even though he has promised himself he won’t ever allow himself to be that vulnerable and risk getting messed up in the head over a woman, he finds he’s lost interest in picking up women at a bar. Despite this empty feeling, he’s gone out of his way to keep up the playboy image he’s worked so hard to portray for a very long time, but it’s getting harder and harder.
Why would he want people to think he is a playboy, you ask? Because if everyone thinks you are superficial, don’t really care, then you don’t have to worry about disappointing anyone. No one expects anything substantial from you. Therefore you never let anyone down or disappoint them.
In reality, what Straw fears the most is that his genetics will prevent him from being a good husband and father. His mother had sucked at being a parent and obviously his father did too as he had never been in his life. He’d found out from his grandmother, not long before she died, his father had been much older than his mother. He’d been married, and when Nicole had told him she was pregnant, he tried to get her to have an abortion, but she’d refused. His grandmother hadn’t known at the time he was born who his father was. Many years later, Nicole had confessed everything to Lucille when she had been in lock up high on drugs. She’d said that she was on a bender because the father of her child had died in a car accident, and she couldn’t handle it. The man’s wife had refused to let her in the funeral home and that had sent Nicole out of control. Lucille had opted not to tell Straw, but when she’d realized she was dying, she’d told him everything she could about his father, his mother’s problems, and why she’d had them.
Straw thinks that not having a good early example will keep him from being able to have a normal stable relationship. He will totally mess it all up. He’d decided early on if everyone already thinks he is a playboy, no one would expect him to settle down or try to be a father. He won’t let anyone down if there is no expectation for him to succeed in the first place. He’d even seriously considered having a vasectomy to prevent him from unintentionally impregnating someone, but the doctor he went to see had talked him out of it. He’d only been twenty-two at the time and the doctor had told him it was much too permanent a solution at his young age. He’d told him to come back in ten or fifteen years if he still felt the same.
Being the team’s main playboy has worked well for a long time, but just a few weeks ago, Charlotte and Emma’d called him out on his bullshit, and unfortunately, it had ended badly for everyone involved. Straw had managed to make a total asshole of himself, hurt Emma and Charlotte’s feelings, and nearly got his ass kicked by his teammates for the fiasco that’d ensued. Just remembering that day, makes him feel sick and to seriously reconsider ever consuming alcohol again. He hadn’t meant to get shitfaced and make an ass out of himself, but that’s exactly what had happened.
The memories of that painful afternoon are why Straw doesn’t want to take the cross-country trip with his team and their families. He hasn’t seen the women since Tank and Mercury had hauled his drunk ass up the stairs and put him to bed in a guest room to sleep it off. He’d paid hell for his horrid behavior Monday morning at PT. Needless to say, Wallace and Hawk are still pissed at him and rightly so. He has apologized to the men, but he knows he’s put a black mark on their relationships.THIS!He thinks to himself.This is why I’m better off alone, because when I allow myself to care, to get too close, I fuck it up every single time.
Slamming his suit case closed, he secures it with a lock and luggage tag with his information on it. He isn’t used to traveling commercial, but since the women are accompanying them that’s how they are going. He’d much rather catch a ride on a military transport, and he’d even tried to go that way, but Hawk shot him down. “The team travels together,” he’d said, and Straw couldn’t argue with his commanding officer. Jerking the suitcase off his bed, he heads downstairs to join Tank for the ride to the airport.
CHAPTERSEVEN
It’s Friday afternoon. Abigail is again having another very busy day, and while she considers the situation with Sara, she doesn’t have time to worry too much about it. The hotel is hosting a meeting of some high-ranking military officials. They have booked three of the very large conference rooms for the entire next week, but many of them are arriving early to get in some relaxation time before their meetings begin. What would it be like to have two whole days to just relax and not worry about anything? Unfortunately for Abigail, that is something she will never know. As a single mother, she can’t afford to take any time off to rest. When she’s not working, Ellie is her main focus.
A large group enters the lobby and begins making their way toward Abi’s check-in desk. The men are obviously military. Why obvious, you ask? It isn’t their dress as they are all in regular street clothes. It’s their confident posture as they stride across the huge lobby. Also the men arebuilt: large, muscled up, very handsome, and they are keenly alert. She notices their heads are on a swivel, and their eyes are constantly scanning as if expecting a member of the Taliban to leap out from behind one of the potted plants with a suicide vest strapped to them. That should seem ridiculous on American soil, but Abigail isn’t stupid. She’s seen enough on the news to know it isn’t beyond the realm of possibility.
While it doesn’t happen often, terrorists from other countries have committed murder on American soil. The World Trade Center bombing and 9/11 being prime examples. Abigail hasn’t forgotten the loss of life from those events and how helpless she’d felt when the towers fell, knowing thousands of people were still in those buildings. Watching it all unfold on the news had been sobering. The black and grey smoking billowing up against a clear blue sky was surreal. Then, when the second plane hit on live television, Abigail had been physically sick. She knew without a doubt in that moment that the world had just taken a drastic change for the worse. Even though she’d only been about ten years old, she’d known America was no longer the safe haven it had once been. We were under attack in our own country.
She’d learned in history class that this wasn’t the first attack on American soil. She supposed many Americans had felt the same sting when Pearl Harbor was bombed in the early forties, but she hadn’t been around for that and like most Americans time had made that not seem so real, but 9/11 had brought that home. Those feelings had still been in Abi’s heart and soul when she’d met Todd. She’d felt pride in him and his willingness to serve his country to protect America. She’d been proud to be on his arm at first, but it hadn’t taken long for her to realize he wasn’t America’s hero. He had been her tormentor, and even though he had long since been dead and gone, his lessons were still fresh on her mind.
Although, Abi may have sworn off having any kind of personal relationship with a member of the armed forces, she still respects the men and women who serve. Realistically she knows not all members of the military are like Todd, but he had beaten a fear into her that when she saw a man, any man in uniform, especially fatigues, that fear washes over her all over again. Cementing it until she can’t be in the same room with them. She can’t get a decent breath. That is why this convention is truly putting her sanity and her nerves to the ultimate test.
As the group nears her counter, she notices there are women in the group as well as several children. That is disconcerting to her as most of the groups she’s checked-in the last two days have been mostly men or women in service. Abi watches closely as the group approaches. The interactions between the men, women, and children are surprisingly touching. The kind, gentle manner in which the men are treating them is foreign to Abigail in so many ways. She’s never been fortunate enough to have an experience like that. Most of the men in her life have taught her pain, fear, and self-doubt. Never kindness, gentleness, and certainly not love. Only once had a male made her feel safe and cared for. He’d only been a child himself. But he sure made her feel safe during a truly horrible night. The night she lost her momma. A night she would never forget, despite being only four years old at the time. Abi shakes her head to clear the thoughts. Now is not the time to be reliving one of the worst days in her sad, miserable life.
