Page 17 of Hot Shot
I look over my shoulder, lock my eyes on hers. “Is that the only reason you’re here?”
“Yes. No.” Blake sighs, her gaze moving out to the driveway. “It’s a see-saw of both. I’m here in my professional capacity as assistant coach and co-owner of the Rogues, and I’m here because I’m your friend. I love you. Neither of those were shut off because you shut an invisible door in my face.”
“You can’t say you love me. I’ve done everything to prove I’m not worthy of that.”
“You don’t get it, Branton.Youdon’t get to decide if you’re worthy of someone else’s love or friendship or affection or whatever.Theydo.”
She doesn’t let me argue. Spins so fast she slips and bumps the edge of the doorframe with her shoulder as she rushes back inside.
Except she didn’t turn fast enough for me to miss the sadness, the disappointment, in her eyes. And that guts me as deeply as the moment I decided to cut her from my life years ago.
Celeste had demanded I break off a number of previous connections. And while I’d done it, I hadn’t done it for her. Although I won’t deny it had given me a level of peace to let her believe I’d complied. What I’d really done was protect the people who meant the most to me from the venom mywife—the mother of my child—seemed to splash in every direction.
The only thing I’d succeeded in doing was hurting everyone I cared about.
Something I continue to do every day I spend hiding out here.
Because Blake is right.
I am hiding out.
I can’t bring myself to face the people I disappointed and hurt in my efforts not to.
I should never have kept them in the dark. Should have reached out the second Celeste had shown me that positive pregnancy test and said the baby was mine.
Blake
I don’t make breakfast.
Instead I lock myself away in my room and go over countless files of stats and personal information on the players on the potential Rogues shortlist.
Our plan is to move through the shortlist and once we’ve exhausted that, start on the longer one we compiled in the event we can’t get who we believe will be the best fit for the Rogues and have holes in the roster to fill.
It’s an attempt to ignore the turmoil of emotions my encounter with Bran caused. A defense mechanism.
I didn’t mean to tell him I love him. Shouldn’t have told him. But it’s hard to keep the truth from coming out when I see him struggling so much. My heart aches with the need to soothe him. To take away his hurt and release him from the prison he’s put himself in. In spite of the pain doing so could cause me.
I’ve heard him moving around on the other side of my closed door but he hasn’t knocked and I haven’t gone out to see what he’s doing.
I’m frightened another interaction like this morning will have me packing my bag and leaving.
The urge is there, riding that see-saw of emotions I’ve been on since I arrived.
Leave.
Stay.
Leave.
Stay.
It’s hard to distinguish my true desire when fear of the known and unknown has me in fight or flight mode.
The instinctive knowledge I once had of Bran is gone. Tainted by the abrupt end to our relationship, by the pain and distrust his actions caused.
I’ve never struggled with a decision the way I am now. My instincts, the gut feelings that have seen me through nail biting hockey games, through the launch of Rogue sportswear and now the Rogue NHL team, have deserted me.
I’m not getting anywhere with my brain and emotions going round and round in circles.
