Page 60 of Hot Shot
Tears are still falling down my face and I have to smile. I don’t need to find somewhere quiet to let my emotions out. Not when it comes to this.
Branton
It’s been two days since I purged my soul in Andrew Watts’ arms, then told two people I love deeply they had a grandchild they never knew about. Never met. Have no chance of meeting.
And I hurt more today than I did that night when I crawled into bed.
This is a different hurt though. This is from working my body until I’m on the verge of collapse then pushing it some more. I’m in pain inside and out and there’s a thin layer of satisfaction in it.
A new level of penance for all the mistakes I’ve made.
And a way to avoid thinking about what’s to come.
The twins arrive tonight.
Oakley arranged for her grandfather’s private jet to fly them here so no one outside the family knows they’re coming. After the Knights’ game against the Miami Steam, Corbin and Landon will head to the airport, board the plane, and arrive here somewhere around midnight.
Andrew suggested we see what shape they’re in before we sit them down and reveal what Celeste’s last words were. I’d be happy to wait until morning, but they only have one day before they need to head back to New York.
Part of me wants to get it over with the second they walk through the front door. The other part wants to get in the SUV Blake and I arrived in and drive away. Speed back to my hidey-hole as Blake calls it, and ignore everything and everyone.
I destroyed my friendship with Landon and Corbin when I married Celeste and cut Blake from my life. They saw it as a betrayal, and I know they’ll see this as another one. And maybe it is. I’ve kept this from them—from everyone—for almost three years.
But if I want to get my life back, pursue a relationship with Blake other than being a player on her team, I need to face them with the truth. Have to convince them what I did wasn’t with the intent to hurt anyone.
Convince them that I would have told them if I’d known Laura was theirs before the cruelty of her mother took her away.
Pain pinches my chest, and it has nothing to do with the hundred crunches I just completed.
It physically hurts to think of my sweet baby girl gone and I have to lie flat on my back to catch my breath—the pain of her loss takes the wind right out of me.
She might not have been mine biologically but I was there for her first breath. There for her last. And all the ones in between.
Shewasmine.
Sharing her with Blake, with Andrew and Larissa, and soon with Corbin and Landon is harder than I ever thought it would be and she’s not here for me to physically hand over. I’ve been hoarding her memory but what Blake said the other day is true. And subconsciously I think I’ve known that for a while. It’s why I chose to tell Blake outside.
Laura deserves to be in the light, deserves to be shared with people who will love her in spite of her being gone. Keeping her in the dark, in my head and my heart, isn’t fair to her or anyone else.
“Are you done killing yourself today?” Blake’s voice snaps my head around to find her leaning on the wall near the weights rack.
“Shit. Didn’t hear you come in.” Reaching for the towel on the mat beside me, I wipe the sweat from my face but I don’t get up. I haven’t the energy or desire to.
“I’ve been here since before the lunges.”
I cringe. “So a while then.”
“Yes.” She pushes off the wall and moves closer, sits on the mat next to the one I’m stretched out on. “The physical pain won’t take away your emotional pain.”
“I know. But it gives me a focus other the tragedy that is my life.”
“Having a child, no matter the circumstances, is never a tragedy.”
“No, but losing her is.” Tightening my stomach, I sit up and drag the towel down my face again. “For more than just me.”
“If Celeste had lived, do you think she would have told you? About not being Laura’s father?”
“Probably. To hurt me in some way. I have no doubt she would have continued to come around for money even if the divorce had gone through.”
