Page 25 of Hot Puck
“Maybe not, but from where I’m standing, under the circumstances, with what you’ve faced, you do.”
Her vote of confidence does a lot to calm my anger. And the anger isn’t at any one person or thing. It’s the situation. I’m not even angry at the guy who killed Dad.
“Give me five minutes to clear my head outside then I’ll be back to take over putting the girls to bed.”
I don’t wait for her to agree or not. I head through the doorway onto the back deck, down the stairs I helped Dad build last summer, and into the yard.
I’m heading for one of Mom’s favorite spots. I can’t count the number of times I found her sitting on the old chair in the back corner of the yard staring at the house or the sky.
Her thinking chair.
It’s where she sat when she needed to take a moment, think a decision through, or just ponder.
I’d never seen the appeal. But right now, it holds my interest for two reasons.
I need to think about how I’m dealing with everything.
And I need to feel closer to Mom.
Out of everywhere in our home, her thinking chair is where I imagine her most. Not the kitchen, not the living room, not even her bedroom gives me the same sense of closeness.
I’m almost frightened to sit on the chair. If I put my ass in it, will it override Mom’s presence?
There’s so much of her already gone. Every day, my memories fade. Or perhaps I’m too busy to focus on them these days.
I stare at Mom’s chair for a minute. In the end I can’t bring myself to sit in it so I lower myself to the grass in front.
“Mom.” I keep my voice quiet. I don’t want anyone to hear me and think I’m losing my mind. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this like you. Or Dad.”
Blowing out a breath, I look up at the night sky.
“I’ve spent my whole life knowing you were there whenever I needed help or advice and the time I need it the most you aren’t here. I know that isn’t your fault. I’m not blaming you. I know you didn’t want to go.”
I don’t bother holding back the tears. Although after crying on Natalie’s shoulder I’m surprised I have any left.
“I will do my very best to take care of the girls. I’ll make sure they get every opportunity you gave me. I don’t know how. But I’ll do it. For you and Dad. For them. For me.”
Focusing my blurry eyes on her chair, I smile. It’s probably just my mind playing tricks, but I swear I feel her hand cradling my cheek the way she used to.
“I don’t know what’s best for all of us, but I hope you know any decision I make that is different to what you would have done is because things aren’t the same. They’re so different now, Mom.”
Every word is the truth. I have no idea how we’re going to make it without our parents to guide us. I do know neither of them would be happy with me if I didn’t at least hear Natalie out.
They’d be so disappointed to know I’ve turned my back on my dream even if it is to take care of my sisters.
Until this moment I haven’t really thought about what our future would look like. I’ve been surviving, day by day, and it took a stranger, with the offer of a lifetime, to make me think.
Natalie might believe I’m the right goalie for the Rogues, and maybe I am, but until I understand what it means, what taking a position on the team in the NHL looks like for us, I can’t make any decisions.
And we all have to be okay with whatever decision I do make. It isn’t just me it affects. Accepting a contract would mean relocating, and since our parents died, I’ve been determined to keep us in this house.
In our home. My gaze moves to the house.
Except it doesn’t feel like home anymore.
Without Mom and Dad walking the floors, it’s just the place we live.
Candace doesn’t understand what a move would mean but Cass and Stell do. I know they’re only just teenagers, but they still should have a say in how our lives go from now on.
