Page 47 of Sinister Hearts
After Faye left, I popped open a bottle of whiskey and sat in my misery. For the first time in a long time I was angry—not with Faye, but with myself, with this life, and the sworn bloodline I can’t escape from. It felt like a slap in the face. Maybe it was my karma for the past?That bitter fucking bitch. Was I a fool to think I could keep everything from her and pretend? I had become attached to Birdie—she was a grown second heart. Grown in the womb of the woman that I loved. I took a swigof my whiskey and let it burn as it went down. Nothing burned more than hearing her say those words to me. I wasn’t angry with her for wanting her questions answered, I was angry I had no control over the truth. It plagued me day in and day out.
Being a Grimwood was my life, my legacy. If she thought I’d walk away from it she was gravely mistaken. It was a birthright I was given, but she didn’t know of such things. Our blood rang true through these terrains and this land, just like her ancestors before her. I was going to tell Faye I loved her tonight and then she asked me a question that hit me like a truck. I wanted to wait until the divorce was final, striking that moment as our new beginning. I knew Faye had been through a lot this last year and I didn’t want to do anything to make her run. But here she was, running, that’s what she did. Although the last time she ran from me, it was my fault.
Something bigger was bothering her. It wasn’t just about us. No, in my dark withered soul, I sensed that it was something more. Something she was keeping from me. I couldn’t be mad at her for something I was also doing. If I wanted honesty, if I wanted respect, I would have to give it to her. Everything was earned with Faye. I knew she loved me, and although we hadn’t shared those three words just yet, having her respect also meant something to me. She couldn’t give that to me if I was lying to her, and I didn’t blame her. She deserved that. My girl deserved everything. Even a truth that could break us, break me.
Six years ago-
It had been three weeks since Faye lost our bean. Three weeks since she came to my porch and both our worlds were shaken up, and forever changed by a colossal shift that imploded both of our worlds. I fell into a deep hole of darkness and depression, which then made me feel even more like a sack of shit, because I’m not the one who had to go through it physically. Ma called my pop and told him how she had found her. A phone call I wish I’d never overheard. I didn’t know how to make this better.
Faye was back at work this week, acting like it didn’t matter, while I sat in Pop’s barn night after night getting wasted off whiskey bottles I’d found in his bar. How could she just go back to work like nothing happened? Did she even care? I hadn’t called her in five days, and I’m sure she hated me. There was so much going on in my head, I couldn’t handle it. She deserved better than this, than me. I was a nobody in this small town. Just a farm boy with no hopes or dreams. When I found out Faye was pregnant it lit a fire in me. Our baby gave me a sense of purpose. A reason to do and be better. Make something of myself. A legacy to leave my kin. So when I lost it, I guess I lost me, too.
I could hardly remember anything from the night before, just that Creed decided to have a rager at the farm, thinking it would make me feel better. Typical! Half the school showed up and I got piss drunk, and now I’m here, standing outside this damn black-charred barn. Luckily we caught it in time, but the damage I did to Faye, to us, was incomparable. There was one thing I remembered vividly as I took out chunks of dirt and alfalfa from my hair, and that was the way Faye looked at me—like I was nothing to her. Like I had gutted her.Fuck, maybe I did.
Tears ran down her face and it was the first time she looked at me like she truly hated me. I think I hated myself, too. I foundher dagger pinned in my front leather seat with a thong, a very neon green thong. It dawned on me that she must have thought I cheated on her. Which I didn’t, I don’t think. In my heart I knew I just couldn’t, but I blacked out. I don’t even remember how I got in the barn.Fuck!How could I either deny or admit to something if I didn’t remember anything. This was fucked.
Disengaging the dagger from my leather seat, I paced into the house. “Whose are these? And tell me, now!” I demanded answers from my brothers.
Both Creed and Ryker were eating hash browns and eggs at the old round table. “Well don’t look at me! I was in my room studying last night for my finals next week,” Ryker answered. This, I believed. Ryker wasn’t the partying type. All the kid did all day was game, read, and watch a serious amount of anime.
“Creed?” I asked sternly, waving the neon undies in the air like a damn flag.
“Nope, not me,” he said, not even giving them a glance. I looked at him, not the least bit convinced. “Listen, I would be the first to admit when I got some tail, alright, but the girl I was chilling with last night was so drunk she couldn’t even walk, which is one big turn off. And two, I don’t believe in taking advantage of women, as much as I like to fuck them.” Creed said, continuing to ravish his breakfast.
Oh my fuck, did I… did I cheat on Faye last night? I wouldn’t, I couldn’t… Could I? I felt all the liquor I inhaled the night before coming up, sick with myself, delirious, and disgusted. “Creed, did… Did I hook up with someone?” I asked, disgusted with myself.
Creed looked at me, somber. “You and Cindy went to the barn alone, and she seemed pretty flirty,” he replied dryly.
I gagged in my mouth, wanting to just end it right here; cut off my dick, and put it in acetone. How will I ever come backfrom this? It was simple, I couldn’t. I knew my Faye would never forgive me, and she shouldn’t.
I knew how I acted was unforgivable and there was no damage control I could do to fix this. I let the guilt and self-hatred encapsulate inside of me, the overwhelming sense of shame plaguing me, feeling like I had lost everything.
Pop placed his rugged hand on my broad shoulder. “This isn’t the way to cope, son.” The image of Faye turning her back to me was imprinted on my tarnished soul forever.
For months I tried to drink her away. Drink away the loss, and the pain. Pop was unable to help me out of my self-hatred, not knowing what else to do with me as I sulked in misery, knowing that the only girl I ever truly really loved deeply, down to my frigid bones, hated me. And she had every right. I was in shambles, unable to pick myself up from my own personal doom. Pop walked into my room as I sketched on my wooden desk.
“You’re leaving this winter to Norway, with your uncles, Loki and Ragnar. It’s not up for discussion, it’s what must be done. She will forgive you, son, give it some time.”
But would she? Could I even forgive myself? I had no fight left in me. “She hates me, Pop, I can’t leave her, I can’t!” Warm, salty tears swarmed my stubbled jaw.
“If you love her, you will,” Pop said, walking out of my room and leaving me in my torment.
Six months later-
Norway was cold during the winter months, and beautiful beyond my imagination—the air up in the mountains was crisp, and the hills were full of snow with bits of foliage peeking out from the earth’s solid ground. This was my new home. I came here, lost, shackled, and broken. Every day I thought of Faye, that stubborn brunette, to whom my shadowed heart is bound.
My uncles lived off the grid and had a homestead—they found technology as useless as praying to any god other than Odin. My skin became thicker and weathered, my Nordic tattoos grew with every hunt across my freckled skin. My long, overgrown locks were braided like Vikings. The braids symbolized health and prosperity among my ancestors. My uncles sharpened their blades in the distance, as I stood by the fire warming my hands and drinking from my a chalice made from gleaming metal. I let the black coffee warm my solitude. I took a chug as a raven soared over me, the majestic bird landed on my broad shoulder, when I noticed a letter placed meticulously in its beak. Another letter from home. I missed home, the warmth, the terrain, the desert sand, and the sunsets. Most importantly, I missedher. I broke the seal with my small dagger, and read the letter.
Dear Brother,
Pop is hanging in there. Mother is declining everyday, fighting like the brave soldier she always is. But she is fighting, that's the important part. Most days Pop loses himself in farm work. It's growing and becoming incredibly busy here. I know you will be back home in two months, so I don't want to keep you from any surprises. Faye has left.Apparently she's met some older guy in the city, worth a lot of bucks. She finally gave up on coming by and asking for you after four months. It's been hard seeing her so hurt, but this is the cost of our bloodline, brother. I hope you have found the peace you were looking for in Norway, as it seems Faye has found hers. Creed is still annoying as ever, getting jacked up for his arrival next year with our uncles, and talking about enlisting in the Marines when he gets back. He's dating this chick named Avianna, I don't know if you remember her from Elementary. There's something about her brother, I can't put my finger on it. He seems to be serious about her though, which is strange considering the only thing he takes seriously is weights and getting on people's nerves. I'm headed to college for computer science soon. I can't wait to show you all my cool tech. I've been learning some cool underground shit, too. But, we'll speak about that in person.
We will see you soon,
Love you, brethren,
Ryker Grimwood.
I needed to make it back home to my mother. Her death was imminent and daunting. Life had forsaken me, taking both of the women that I love the most from me. It felt like the godsthemselves were punishing me. This killed any hope instilled in me. I crumpled the letter, tossing it in the fire.
