Page 48 of Sinister Hearts
My Faye, she left. She’s gone…
“Save it for the hunt, Jax, we have souls to collect, it’s a blood moon tonight,” Uncle Loki reminded me, sharpening his thick carved blade.
I swear to the gods I felt like I was living right back in the 17th century with these demons. I stared at the sun setting, painting the Nordic sky with pink and orange hues. I had no time to weep for a love I’ve lost and left. A fault of my own. I didn’t understand the meaning of love until my restless soul settled here.
Love could not save me from this doom that coursed through me, so I let the pain, the overbearing loss inevitably sink its teeth into me, leaving me numb as my nights were filled with bloodshed and death. Doing what I’ve been sworn to do, as my ancestors before me. I had nothing but internal pain. I let it navigate me into the darkest of hours, where her olive skin and heart shaped lips hexed me even in my dreams. Her dark exotic eyes haunted me as I slept, waking me. Cries of a baby swarmed around me as she was whisked away.
But six months turned into two years. I couldn’t fathom going back to that farm, to that house, to Grimstone, not without her, not without my little light. I flew in to help bury my móðir on the farm— It was her last and final wish, and took the next flight out. I couldn’t endure the loss.
I washed the murky blood off my weathered hands. Hands that once looked youthful, now murderous and scarred, claimed by Nordic inked ruins. Did she think of me, like I thought of her? Did she long for me, like I did her? Even now, five years later, my heart still belonged to that girl. I came here a broken boy and was now leaving a blood-stained man. I was ready to face everything I ran from. Even if it was without her, as much as it hurt me, as much as it stung. She was happier without me. That was a reality I could only manage, and not get used to. My face was now chiseled, my body now more muscular, my tattoos caressed my body. Marks I’ve earned by each soul I’ve reaped, in oath for Odin. No signs of that broken boy who arrived on this land. A full man was now in my presence, a man full of death. I was ready to go home to face the town that broke me.
Present-
We both needed a few days to cool down, before I imploded her whole entire world as she knew it. I didn’t want to make matters worse by saying something stupid, which I was notorious for. How do you tell your dark truth to the love of your life? How do I break this down? All of it was already overwhelming me, my mind racing with internalized thoughts.
I took a swig of my amber brown whiskey. I was a kid back then, and thought I had Faye all figured out. Truth be told, I didn’t even have myself figured out. I chuckled at that young boy who didn’t have the slightest clue on how to navigate life. I had never understood her more than I did now. I saw her for all of her, even the things she tried to hide from herself. Faye was a survivor… a fighter.
It was in her blood, the way she was uniquely made. She couldn’t even quit the man who was abusing her, and I knew damn well she hadn’t quit me. If she wanted to leave me again, fine. But I wasn’t going to let her run this time without telling her how I really felt about her, about me. I wasn’t going to make it easy for her this time. If Faye wanted to be a stubborn brat, then I’d give her a run for her money. If she was going to run again, she’d better do it in front of me this time. I wasn’t that eighteen-year-old boy anymore, insecure of who I was or wasn’t. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. I wanted Faye choking on my cock for the rest of our unholy lives, and I was going to make my pretty little ljos very, very, sorry.
I’d be damned if I was going to make the same mistake twice. I’d spent six years thinking she would never come back to Grimstone. This time I would put up a fight. A fight I should have put up six years ago. If by the end of everything she still wanted to leave, then fine. Yes it would hurt, but not telling her the truth would hurt even more. I couldn’t fully have her if she didn’t know everything. Gods forgive me. I knew that hurt and I didn’t want to live it again.
I knew this was bigger than miscommunication. This was about our traumas resurfacing, and I was man enough to realize that. Faye didn’t know how to be happy for too long, out of fear of being caged, or that somehow I’d fuck it up and hurt her again. She needed to understand I wasn’t an idiot kid anymore. I needed to make her see that, make her feel it. She was like a wildhorse— she couldn’t be tamed, and I had no desire to do that. I just wanted to admire her for the dark beauty she was.
Faye thought running from me would be easy this time, but she was mine.Mine. Not in the way where I wanted to cage or suppress her. No, mine in the sense where I wanted to love her sinfully, and make her understand submission didn’t have to hurt. You don’t have to give up parts of yourself, and strip your dignity. It could liberate her in the most humane way. Oh yes, I would make it very hard for the wild thing that took up space in my heart. I would make her beg me to never leave. I wanted to watch her cry sweet, salty tears as I made love to her. So she would never think about leaving me again. Faye had it coming for her, all ten inches of my hard, thick, deadly cock.
Ihad yet to hear from Jax, and the cave in my chest grew bigger everyday. His words had penetrated me, leaving their mark. Was I running? Was the thought of being tied down resurfacing old wounds that I thought had healed? How long would that pain have a hold on me? Was I running from love because I wanted more for myself, or because I had started to associate love with a cage? A cage I promised myself I’d never set foot in again.
Jax’s comment at the mountain during sunrise rang through me. “Don’t let him win.” Yet, here I was letting Vadon win. Still without my knowledge, he had control over me. Healing from abuse was harder than I had anticipated. It was a stain on my soul. While I built my walls so high to keep out anything bad, I had unknowingly also built them to keep anything good out. It wasn’t fair that Vadon got to live his life peacefully, while I grappled with love in ugly ways. The last time I felt like I deserved something good in my life, it was the biggest mistake.
But Jax wasn’t Vadon. They were day and night. Jax had fought for months to tear down these walls, no matter how difficult I made it for him. What hurt me the most was that Jax insinuated that I didn’t think he was good enough. Is that what he truly thought of me? Some spoiled rich ex-housewife? These thoughts had unsettled me and infuriated me to no end, because that’s not who I was. And how long would he continue to throw the past in my face? He left me, so I left him right back. I wouldn’t be waiting around for any man this time.Over my dead fucking body.
Working at The Wild Minx was a good distraction. It was a slow night, and thank the gods, because I wasn’t necessarily in the mood to smile cheekily at any man right now.
Raquel came in shortly after my shift and sat down at the bar. “Cousin, I am parched! I had the longest embalming today and I need something stiff.”
I smirked at her while getting her rum and coke made and handed it to her.
“Uh oh, trouble in paradise?” she asked, not missing a beat.
I hated how I wore my emotions on my face. It was a curse. “Is it that obvious?” I asked her, while wiping down the bar.
“Unless your goldfish died, then yes,” Rocky said, smirking.
“Jax and I are fighting,” I sighed, rolling my eyes into oblivion.
“You two are literally the living form of ‘can’t live with them, can't live without them’.” She laughed, shaking her head and sipping her drink.
“Yeah, and that’s the problem. It’s getting exhausting trying to figure out where we stand all the time.” I threw the rag in the dirty bin.
“Is it?” Raquel mocked, sarcastically.
“Oh my gods, what? Are you going to give me a speech on how love is hard and all thatmierda(shit)?” I retorted, drying the utensils and folding them in a cloth napkin.
Rocky tapped her black acrylics on the bar. “Nope, I’ll save you that conversation but I’ll ask you this, is it exhausting because you aren’t a match, or is it because Jax mirrors all your fears and insecurities?”
Too stunned to speak, I let the question sit with me as it stirred something inside me, like a tornado on the rise.Ew, how dare she.
“You deserve happiness, Faye, you just have to let yourself be open to it. You can’t punish Jax for what he did as a kid forever. Plus, you did your shit, too. You know, running away with thatpinche putoand all. Nobody had heard or seen from Jax for months after you two broke up. He was a fucking mess, Faye. You weren’t the only one doing all the breaking you know.”
