Page 17 of A Little Christmas: Star
“I don’t wanna go.”
“I know, Star. I know. But it’s better to leave before you’re ready than to be stuck somewhere wishing you could go home already.”
“Why do you have to be right, Daddy?” I didn’t like it, but he had a point.
“Trust me, I’m not always.”
He helped me up, and we put the rest of the blocks away and went back to the changing room to get dressed.
After saying goodbye to Ms. Lily, we snuck out the employee door and into Daddy’s car. On the way back, he got me a kid’s meal from an Italian place in town that had plain spaghetti, and then we went back to the hotel. I wanted to go to his place, but the hotel was where we needed to be. I was there “sick,” after all.
Caelum rode up in the elevator first, to the floor above mine, walked down a flight, and then used my second key to get in. I was so sick of these games, but if the games meant he was going to be there, play them I would. I came up afterward, managing to get in without anyone recognizing me. I mean, I was sure the staff did, but they had been nothing but wonderful so far.
I ate my spaghetti and played with the little Christmas ornament that came with it. It was nice. As nice as a tepid meal in a hotel room could be.
When my belly was full, Daddy insisted I take a nap. Once again, I fell asleep in his arms, only this time with a blankie wrapped around us. I wanted to fall asleep like this every time. If only that were possible.
Chapter Thirteen
Caelum
Just as quickly as Star came into town, he left. Filming had wrapped up, and while there was still plenty to do on the project, he was now back in Hollywood doing voice-overs, promotional interviews, and a whole bunch of odds and ends that needed to happen before the movie was ready to go. I’d never really paid attention to the movie-making process, but now that I had Star in my life, I was starting to see how very little I knew about the industry.
I understood all the reasons why Star needed to leave. This was his job, and he was under contract. It wasn’t like he was taking a random holiday or running away. Still, it left an ache in my heart that was getting worse by the day, not better.
Acting had been a part of Star’s life since long before I knew him. He might have had a few months off that first semester of college, but acting still had been his purpose. Back then, I thought it was what he wanted…his dream. This recent time we spent together, I learned the truth. He’d had this life laid out for him. Not something he picked. And, sure, he found his place in it, but it was never what he’d wanted.
It made me sad, thinking of how his childhood had been stripped from him, working at such a young age. And when he wasn’t, he was being pushed to do things that would make him more employable. It was no wonder he cherished his “little” time so much.
Yes, his career was overwhelming, and taking that time to be completely off, to have somebody else take over all of the responsibility and let him just be, had a lot of value to it. But it went beyond that to recapturing a time in his life that was stolen from him.
We’d had so much fun playing together, and I loved taking care of him in the few little times we had managed to carve out for each other. But even when he was in my town, we didn’t see each other a lot. Now, he was halfway across the country. Our times together would be even fewer and further apart.
At the crux of it, no matter what happened in our relationship, we were never going to have a traditional, full-time life. That wasn’t in the cards for us.
My job was pretty consistent. My office hours were printed on the door. Any emergency calls went to the 800 number on their policies, not to me. It was boring in every single way—the polar opposite of Star’s. While I didn’t understand all that his job entailed, I was willing to learn.
I worried about him now that he was back in Hollywood. Was he getting enough sleep? Enough to eat? Was he taking the time that he needed to just be? At least he had Davis. Davis took good care of him. It wasn’t the care of a daddy, but it sure was a thousand times better than any care his father had given him when he entered this career.
There were times when Davis would be the one to call me, or I’d phone him to check on things, not wanting to interrupt Star during his workday. I loved how easily Davis adjusted to me being part of Star’s life. Without him in our corner, this could’ve, no would’ve been so much harder.
Star had only left a couple of days ago, but the void in my heart grew by the minute. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face during that final goodbye. We both tried to pretend it wasn’t a big deal, that we’d figure it out, and I was sure that we would. We weren’t college kids anymore. He had more control over his job than back then. His father wasn’t micromanaging every second of his day. He’d like to, but that was a different story. And his agent was far less pushy now that the money was rolling in for him. That could’ve gone either way.
What I needed was some guy talk, someone to vent to and ask some advice from. I had daddy friends. Some really good ones, too. But I also needed to be talking to someone who could know about Star being little, and that lowered the number of daddy friends who I could turn to, to zero.
That’s how I found myself in Ms. Lily’s office.
“Ms. Lily, I need some advice. But I need some advice about Star, and I can’t ask my guy friends because it would be giving away information that isn’t mine to share.”
When I called and asked her if I could come in about something personal, it was an immediate yes from her.
“I see,” she said, leaning back in her chair. “I don’t know how much I can help you. I’m not much for guy talk, not being a guy, but I’ve got a half hour and I’m a good listener.”
“Star’s left,” I said. “He had to go back for work. The last time he left, we started off strong, and then it got less and less.” I went on to tell her the entire story about his father, about how intensely his career took off, and how we went from being each other’s everything to being nothing but a memory, and how I wanted to avoid having that happen again. “So, any advice you could give, I’d really appreciate it.”
“First of all, the fact that you came to me because you wanted to protect your adorable little’s privacy means so much more than you realize.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say to that.
