Page 49 of The Flowers of Bay C
I shake my head, trying to clear away the noise. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’
‘Please don’t do that. You’re right, I should butt out.’
She hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s Karen who is always the perfect one, always the one I can’t compare to, the one who so highlights my shortcomings. Why am I throwing all my rubbish out at Kat, at this sick patient next to me who seems to care?
I am beside myself, this dried-out broken husk, wishing I could put myself back together and inhabit a space where light got in and shadows didn’t lurk.
Kat leans back into her pillow and closes her eyes.
I pick at the bleeding skin around my nails. ‘I just, I mean, the doctor just told me that things are getting worse with my disease.’
Kat doesn’t reply. She sits up, moves her body round to face me and sits on the edge of her bed, hands on her knees, those intense blue eyes ablaze with great unsettling compassion.
I tear off a flap of skin and flinch. ‘It’s just that… I don’t know. That I just wanted to be a good mum.’
Where did that come from?
Kat gazes at me. Like she actually cares enough to climb into this moment with me.
I can’t stop the words. ‘I could never be a normal mum, you know? Like the others in the playground, all taking their kids everywhere for this and that, for sports and scouts and whatever else. Jake’s been like a prisoner in my home with me, sometimes, when I’m too sick to do anything, and now I’m just getting sicker. It’s just not fair, you know? Why do some people get an easy time of it in life and not others?’
Kat nods. ‘I know.’
A heat blooms in my throat. ‘Do you? You have it all, don’t you? I mean, I know you’re ill now and everything, but, like, you’re not usually are you? And you have this man who adores you and so many friends and…’
Stop, Penny. Stop being a joy killer. Stop being here.
Kat stares down at her hands. Her fingernails are spattered with the remains of pearlescent purple polish, and nearly all of her fingers are laden with rings, silver and gold and white gold. Her engagement ring is a large sapphire set in a star of diamonds.
Marcus never bought me an engagement ring at all.
‘No one’s life is perfect, Penny,’ she says softly.
‘All very well for you to say. Probably why you have faith and all that. ’Cause you haven’t lived like someone like me.’
Shut up Penny shutupshutup.
Kat droops, but she doesn’t turn away, she doesn’t tell me where to go. A dark shadow cuts through her eyes, dulling their power.
I gather myself together. ‘Sorry. Sorry.’
She breathes out slowly. ‘People’s lives are mostly messy. You might think I have it all, but what if I look at you and think you have everything I want?’
Her voice is raspy, broken up, shards of meaning slicing through her words.
I stare at her.
‘What if you have the one thing I can’t have?’
A lump clogs up my throat.Jake.‘Oh. I’m so sorry. You mean…?’
She blinks and looks down.
I lean in towards her, grab her hands. ‘I’m sorry. I always say the wrong thing.’
‘I don’t want you to apologise, Penny. I just wanted to share with you that we’re not always what we seem on the outside, and pain can go deep.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
