Page 18 of Heat Haze
This isn’t something I should be okay with. But I won't stop him, not when in the deepest parts of my psyche I want it too. The mattress creaks when he leans in, seemingly testing the waters of what I’ll allow. His face is hidden in the crook of my neck, and I feel the most hesitant kiss plant itself just above my collarbone.
A shaky hand rests on his back, my finger tracing an idle circle. My eyes hesitantly roam down his body, taking in the sight of him. All big and broad—muscular but soft at the same time.
I can’t lie, it’s exciting. Not once in my life have I ever been so close to someone like this. Toro saved me, and he’s always been around. Holding me, comforting me, doing his best to make me feel okay even if leaving isn’t an option. The threadbare shirt I’m wearing doesn’t even belong to me. It’shis, but he gave it to me so I’d be warm.
If I was truly scared of him, wouldn’t I have tried to run away again by now? I would’ve done something stupid and gotten myself killed already.
He listened, too. When I didn’t want him anywhere near me Toro eventually got the memo. He didn’t try to force something that wasn’t there. It might just be a quick little kiss to him, but to me—it’s nothing but a bad idea. I’m sure of that, yet I still almost want to do it.
Is that bad?
He’s waiting so patiently for me, looking at me like I hold up the moon, the stars, and everything in between. I don’t want to run, in fact—I kind of want to stay. I want to find out more about him, find outwhyhe’s so sickeningly sweet despite living like this.
His kisses flutter all the way up my neck, the last one landing right on my jaw. Honey brown eyes meet mine, and his nerves must really be getting to him because he looks terrified. I don’t really need to imagine what he’s thinking right now, because his hands are gripping mine like a lifeline. Our fingers are interlocked, and I know that he’s scared of this—of being close to someone.
I am too.
“Hey…” My voice is the softest I’ve ever heard it, my head ducking in to rub our noses together. “It’s okay. I’ve… I haven’t done this before, either. Just go slow, and we’ll figure it out—”
He leans in to try and capture my mouth against his, but I raise two fingers to stop him. Toro whines like a kicked dog, eyes like saucers and focused solely on me. I can’t do it. I’m not ready. Not after what I just saw. Not after what Iknow.
“I’m sorry.” I’ve been saying that a lot recently. The maroon wallpaper of his bedroom feels a lot closer now, and despite the Texas heat I’m feeling so very cold. “I’m not ready. I’m sorry…”
Toro blinks slowly, before pushing himself up. He lets his face fall into my chest, looking up at me through messy dark curls. I think he understands. He’s content to just lay with me, nuzzling into me like I’m the best pillow he has.
Leaning back on his bed, I stare at the ceiling. When did things get so confusing? It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to be here, either. Technically he’s holding me here, but it doesn’t feel like it. He treats me like a delicate little flower, and if I didn’t know any better I’d say heneededme.
I sneak a glance at him, only to find that he’s fast asleep now. I barely know what to make of anything anymore. He’s snoring quietly, looking so content and happy despite the fact he didn’t get what he wanted—a kiss.
I don’t know what to call this. What to call us. All I know is I wantmore. I want to know about him. Therealhim. Not the monster his family tries to present him as. He’s not a monster. He’s Toro. The man who saved me because Igave himcookies. The man who… confuses me. But right now it’s simple: he’s the man I’m cuddling with.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I have no idea when or how I fell asleep. But when I wake up, the sky outside is still a starless sea of clouds. Mumbling something incoherent, I open my eyes to see Toro standing on the other side of the room stepping into his overalls.
He’s towering over me within seconds, dropping down to his knees at the side of the bed with his lips curved upwards. He rubs his cheek against mine affectionately, running his fingers through my hair.
“You’ve got farm stuff to do today?” I ask, taking in his outfit and the fact his work boots are set by the door. He nods in response, still stroking me tenderly. “When will you be back?”
Toro shrugs, bringing his hand down to let his thumb rest on my cheek. Although being quiet is the norm for him, he seems extra quiet right now. He’s just staring at me, like he’s committing my face to memory or something cheesy like that.
Suddenly Toro’s forehead is pressed up against mine, one of his long arms pointed towards the window. He whimpers, pleading with me not to leave. Pleading with me to not try something so stupid again.
“I won’t… I’m not going to try and run away. I promise.”
With a yawn he squints at me, and at first I don’t know if he’s even going to believe me. I tilt my head up to leave a gentle kiss at his forehead, which Toro melts into. I can do something small like that, something sweet. A lowhum leaves him, and I swear he sounds like a cat purring for a second.
“Toro! Come on, boy! We gotta—” The door swings open and Damien peers in, immediately making a face at the two of us. “Good fuckin’ god… Get your ass up. We got shit to do.”
He doesn’t stick around for a response, his sour face disappearing back into the hallway. Toro makes a noise that sounds like a laugh, which makes me smile even wider. He kisses my forehead back, grabbing his boots and chasing after his brother.
I let myself fall back onto the bed, staring up at the old ceiling above me. I’m alone. It’s dark outside. If I ran now, I doubt I’d get caught. It would besoeasy. But even thinking about it makes me think of something else: Toro. Just the thought of it makes my head spin.
His face contorted into pain, the sinking feeling in his stomach when he realizes I’m gone. I don’t ever want to do something like that to him. How could I? I think it would break me to hurt him like that. He’s not perfect, but he’s doing the best he can.
With a groan I force myself up, stretching before rising to my feet. Toro will probably be gone for a while, so now might be a good time to explore a bit. I’m still sort of afraid to interact with anyone who isn’t Alma, but maybe there’s some stuff in the room to keep me entertained.
I already know his bedside table is mostly filled with junk, so my sights are set on the closet. Last time I was more concerned about finding a weapon or something, this time I’m trying to find out abouthim.
