Page 24 of Heat Haze
“Uh…” I don’t know why it feels so difficult to just say yes. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing I should just randomly announce during dinner, when Toro and I haven’t even talked about it beforehand. But honestly what would he even say?
The way he’s staring at me right now makes me feel like hewantsme to say yes. Even through his mess of hair I bear witness to those big eyes gazing up at me with hesitance. He leans over, big frame seeming slightly smaller with his hands clasped in his lap. If it wasn’t for the fact he was nearly spilling out of the wooden chair you’d think he was just the cutest little thing.
“Yeah.” It’s one simple word but it feels like it’s changing everyone. Toro is myboyfriend? As in I’mdatinghim? “I didn’t… I didn’t really worry about that kind of thing before.”
Love wasn’t ever in the cards for me. It wasn’t supposed to be, at least. Just thinking about the word fills me with dread. Nobody ever wanted me that way. Nobody ever tried to give me it. Not until Toro. My chest feels tighter, and the air is thicker than it was moments ago.
Toro just takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. That’s all. He doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t have to. His touch is more than enough, and I just smile at him. I want to lunge forward and jump into his arms, to affirm what I just said.
Not in front of his entire family, though.
“Figures that out of all of us Toro’d be the one to find himself a sweetheart first,” Lucio scoffs. “How the fuck you manage that, huh?”
Toro blushes madly, looking at his brother with a puzzled expression. He gives him a sheepish little shrug, before his attention shifts back to me. He beams at me, nose crinkled up with the cutest expression on his face.
“Don’t be jealous, Lucio,” Alma lectures, standing up and beginning to take the empty plates off the table. “It’s cute, ain’t it? It’s like how papá used to look at mamá…”
Mr. Tavera stiffens, eyes flicking to his daughter. “Alma. That ain’t the same at all, and you know it.”
She tilts her head at him. “Isn’t it…? You loved her, pa… and Toro loves Nico, too. I know you don’t like it, but—”
“Alma, enough!” Mr. Tavera’s voice booms as he shoots up, towering over her with fire in his eyes. “It. Ain’t. The. Same!”
Her brows raise, lips curving downwards. “I… Okay, sorry. Sorry, pa.” With that she pushes her glasses up, retreating into the kitchen with quick steps.
“Everybody in this house has gone fuckin’ mad…” The older man mutters, shaking his head before storming out of the room. A door slams upstairs, and Damien lets out a snicker.
“She’s done it now,” he hums in a sing-songy voice while pushing himself out of his chair. I pay him no mind, hesitantly hopping out of my seat and following Alma to the kitchen.
When I enter I’m immediately hit with the strong scent of berry dish cleaner, the faucet running on full blast. Alma is scrubbing the dishes clean, a little radio nestled in the corner of the windowsill playing music quietly.
“Alma?” I clear my throat nervously, hesitantly stepping beside her. “Are you… okay?”
“Just peachy,” she says without even looking at me. “Pa wasn’t always like that, y’know? He used to be a real good man. A good father, too.”
She’s struggling to keep her emotions in check, and that just kills me. “But fuckin’ Toro… God… It ain’t his fault but I really wish things were different.”
“What… What did Toro do?”
Alma laughs weakly. “Nothing. He didn’t do a damn thing.” She finally stops scrubbing, slowly turning to face me properly. There’s a pause before she speaks again, almost like hesitation. “After he was born, ma died. Bled out in the barn like she was cattle.”
My lips part in horror, and I’m unable to find the words to express my shock.
“Surprised he ain’t try n’ tell you already,” Alma turns back to the sink, “although he probably don’t even understand it. Can’t imagine what it’s like for yer’ own damn family to treat ya that way.”
My stomach feels hollow. I always knew something was a little off by how they treated Toro, I just never imagined it could be something so horrible. Something so… inhuman.
“He was a baby…” I whisper, still processing it all. “That’s not… It’s not his fault… How could he have even…?”
“It don’t matter. What’s done is done. He can’t read, he can’t write, and he doesn’t even speak. All he knows is work, Nico. Killing. Butchering. It’s what he does. It’s who he is. You can’t fix that.”
My brows draw together. Out of all the Taveras I never imagined her to be the one to say something like that to me. “That’s not…. It’s not true, you know it. He’s your little brother, remember?”
“He is,” she affirms. “I love ‘im very much. But I know him. Seen the look on his face when he’s choppingfolks up. It’s the truth, Nico. I get it—he’s nice to ya, and I’m sure he does love you in his own way. I know he does. But are ya really gonna spend the rest of your dayshere? Withhim?”
My body is shaking. My legs feel like they’re about to give out and my brain is barely working. She can’t be right. I don’t want her to be right. Toro—myToro—is more than that.
“You’re just upset,” my words are firm. It’s what I truly think, even if I’m risking losing the closest thing I have to an ally in this horrible place. “You don’t… I know you know him better than that. You have to. You’re theonlyone who doesn’t treat him like he’s some monster… I… Please, Alma. Please—don’t say things like that.”
