Page 28 of Heat Haze
Nadine is shaking, her eyes stuck on Toro. He’s simply standing there and looking right past her, more focused on me. He steps forward, and she yelps while stumbling backwards.
“He won’t hurt you,” I try to assure her with a hand on the shoulder. “He’s…. He won’t hurt you, Nadine. I promise—”
“He killed Frank. I saw it. He.. He fucking killed him!Theykilled all of them! Our friends, Nico! Our friends!”
I deflate at that. “I know… I… But he won’t hurt you, I swear…”
“What do you mean youknow?” Nadine almost laughs, slowly turning to face me again while shrugging my hand off of her. “What are you talking about? What… D-Did he do something to you, Nico?”
“No!” I blurt out. “It’s… It’s complicated.
I can’t explain this. In what world can I possibly explain this? “I thought… I really thought I was gonna die, but then… He… He saved me.”
Her anger is a palpable thing, lips drawn tight with hands balled into fists at her sides. “What the fuck are yousaying? Did you not hear me? He killed Frank. He killed Levi. He killed Grant. He wasgonnakill me!”
“I know… I know!” I squeak, shaking from how anxious this is making me feel. “But he’s notbadNadine! I swear—he’s not bad…”
My friend steps away from me, unsure of herself now. She glances over to Toro, something both accusatory and nasty on her face. “What’d you do? Huh!? What the fuck did you do to him!?”
Toro winces when she shouts at him, glancing over at me with a pleading expression. I find myself stepping over to him, taking his hand. He basically shrinks, like a dog who’s being screamed at for making a mess.
“Please don’t yell…” I’m aware of how disgustingly weak my own voice is. I can’t even bring myself to meet her gaze. Is this who I am? The person I’ve become? “We can talk about this, Nadine…”
“You need to tell me what the fuck is going on, Nico.” She says. “I don’t… this isn’t making sense. Why aren’t you dead? Why are youdefendinghim?”
“Because things aren’t so like… simple!” My voice hitches at the end, I feel stupid. Stupid for trying to defend what Iknowis wrong. “Toro isn’t a bad guy.”
Nadine doesn’t reply. She doesn’t need to, the way she looks at me says more than enough. With a shake of her head she reaches out to grab my arm, but Toro immediately wraps himself around me. It’s not nearly as sweet as it was before, it’s guarded—protective but with something darker layered underneath.
“You’refuckinghim?” She hisses, voice dripping with venom. The light is gone in her gaze, it’s so dark andhateful as though I’m just a stranger to her. “What the hell, Nico?”
“I’m not…” The truth sounds like such a lie. It’s obvious she doesn’t believe me, either. “We’re… He’s… Ilovehim…”
Nadine physically flinches at the words, mouth opening with no words as her brows raise in horror. She steps back, wood groaning underneath her. Brown eyes that used to look at me with nothing but joy are wider than they’ve ever been, the love replaced with a sadness so profound you’d think the worst has happened to me.
“It’s Stockholm syndrome,” she says softly. Her hand hesitantly reaches out, taking my own and trying to tug me away. “Nico. You can come back with me. We can fix this, I… I came back for you.Please.”
I wish it was that. Stockholm syndrome would make more sense than whatever it is I feel towards Toro. I put my hand over Nadine’s, giving it a squeeze as a tear runs down my cheek.
“I’m sorry.” I sniffle before pulling my hand back, full on crying now. Toro hunches over even further, nuzzling his nose against the back of my head and planting fleeting kisses wherever he can.
It doesn’t help much. But I appreciate it, and I appreciate him. Nadine doesn’t say anything. She’s studying me, trying to find any trace of hesitance. Something to tell her that this is wrong, that I’m lying. But there isn’t any.
Because I’m telling the truth.
There’s an overwhelming desire to fix this. To make her understand that I’m happy, to make her see that it’s not all bad. It’s not bad at all, really. It’s nice. I like it here, withToro. I just want Toro. Is that bad? Is it bad to be happy? She never understood. Not really.
Before Grant was a revolving door of men coming in and out of the apartment. I never judged her, not once. If it made her happy, it didn’t matter. Why can’t she just feel the same way? Why can’t she see?
I’m not naive. I know the real reason she’s upset, it’s the truth I’ve been trying not to face: Toro has done horrible things. Awful things. Disgusting things that should make me want to stay far away from him. It makes me feel sick to think about it too hard.
But I also know that I love him. Not just a little, either. It hit me fast and hard and it’s so fucking confusing it makes me want to scream. I wish things were different. I wish it wasn’t like this. Why couldn’t we have met in another way? Why couldn’t his family have raised him properly?
Why?
Why?
Why?
