Page 50 of Heat Haze
The boy doesn’t seem so convinced, but mumbles out a ‘thank you’ before running off to hopefully go find his parents. When I turn back Toro is still moping, sitting on the bench and holding his radio like the saddest farmer there ever was.
“Tor?” I sit next to him, leaning against his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He says in an obvious lie. “Want home.”
I want to press further, but before I get the chance the Tavera family truck rolls into the parking lot. It’s Alma. It’s time to get back. “Okay. Alma’s here. Let’s get home, sweetheart.”
He lets me grab his arm but doesn’t seem happy. My boyfriend is quiet the entire ride home, staring out the window and ignoring all of Alma’s questions about the date. When we pull up to the farmhouse he doesn’t even wait for me, shuffling to his bedroom silently.
“What’s wrong with him?” Alma questions, and I pretend not to notice the dark hickey on her collarbone. “Did y’all fight?”
“No,” I shake my head. “He’s… something happened. I don’t know. I gotta figure it out, still.”
His sister is probably just as confused as I am, but she lets it go. Once I’m back inside I return to the room to find the radio box set aside, not even opened yet. Toro’s inhis underwear, curled up under his blanket and laying on his side.
“Tor,” I try again with more worry in my voice. “What’s up with you? You’re obviously not okay.”
The bed creaks when I sit next to him, awkwardly trying to cuddle with him despite the fact he’s under the covers and I’m not. He just huffs in response, but doesn’t pull away.
“Talk to me,” my voice is so soft I’m not sure he even catches it. “Please, Toro. I’m worried about you.”
He doesn’t have an immediate response, curling inwards on himself with the most dejected little sigh. But when he speaks he sounds so quiet, so unlike himself. “...Scared.”
“What?” The sheets rustle as I try to get a better look at him. “What are you scared of?”
“No, he… Scared of me…”
Both of us go quiet, and even though my lips part I can’t bring myself to say anything. I thought maybe he was just jealous again, but it’s not like that at all. He’s upset because that kid was scared of him, and that just breaks my heart.
“That’s just because you’re tall, Tor. You mightlooka little scary at first, but you’re a big sweetheart.” No matter how much I try to comfort him, I know it’s not helping. I wish I had the words to make it better, but I just don’t—do it?
“Not you.” He rolls over onto his back, looking up at me now. His lips are pulled down, expression so weary and upset that I just have to lean in and give him a quick peck on the corner of the mouth. He smiles briefly, but it disappears too soon. “Nobody scared of you…”
I chuckle dryly, climbing into his arms without even really realizing it. “That’s because I’m not a farmer who’s all big and tall with muscles.”
Toro whines, but I don’t miss the way the corners of his mouth raise. I press up against him, kissing his jaw while my hands rest flat on his chest. “It’s not that youarescary. You just…lookscary. But that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re bad or anything.”
“Not good either…” He lets out a heavy breath, arms wrapped around me nice and tight. “Want to be…”
“You are good. At least to me.” Maybe before I wouldn’t have been so sure, but I am now. I know him, inside and out. “You’re the sweetest, and most gentle guy I’ve met. It’s not your fault… to be raised how you were…”
His face falls, looking down at the space between us silently. It seems like he’s going to shut down, but his voice only softens. One word comes out, a word that I already know brings his poor heart so much ache. “...Mama.”
“That wasn’t your fault, Toro. It never was.”
“Pa… said…” His lower lip begins quivering, and I just know he’s about to crack.
“Toro,” my heart is racing with worry when I push myself up. “You don’t have to talk about this. We don’t have to…”
He’s already crying, sniffling a whole bunch and hiding his face in the crook of my neck. “Didn’t mean to. Didn’t want to…”
I really wanna cry too, to see such a big soft man reduced to tears because he spent his entire life being blamed for something he didn’t do… It just hurts. Hurts me in a way I never thought was even possible.
“It’s not your fault. It wasn’t.” I repeat, holding him tight. “I promise, Tor…”
There’s so much ache in that big heart of his, and I’m not sure it’s possible for me to fix it. Nothing would ever convey how much I care and love for him. So I just hold him, trying to be strong for the both of us. I’ll at least try, because I love him. I don’t even notice he’s sleeping until his cries slowly stop, breathing evening out while he holds me like I’m his last anchor to Earth.
“Goodnight, Toro…” My words might fall on deaf ears, but I say them anyway. “I love you.”
