Page 19 of Heat Haze
Rummaging through his clothes doesn’t help at all, all I know now is that he sweats a lot.. It’s only when I kneeldown and push some old overalls out of the way do I find it: a tiny little wooden box that seems to be missing the top part.
There’s only a handful of items inside. Most of them are little seed packets, but there’s one thing in there that catches my eye: a photo. I pull it out and flip it over to see Mr. Tavera standing next to the same woman from the photo on his bedside table.
His face is scratched out but not totally gone, but there’s nothing written on the back of anything to help really clue me in to what this is. This has to be Mrs. Tavera, doesn’t it? Her features are so much like the rest of the family’s. The same narrow eyes that Alma has, with the same strong nose that Toro and his brothers have.
A weird sense of guilt creeps over me, so I put the photo back. I shouldn’t be snooping, I know that. But he doesn’t exactlytalk, so finding things out about him isn’t easy. Still, I don’t want to be this person—which is ironic considering he fucking eats people. I tuck the box back where it was, stepping away from the closet and looking around to the rest of the room.
It really is barebones in here. It doesn’t seem like the space anyone should live in, let alone a grown man. My attention flicks to the bathroom. Now seems like a good time to have a proper, thorough shower. It’s the first time I’ve been alone in a while, and I’m not enjoying it nearly as much as I thought I would.
The ground underneath me is some kind of tiling. It's a pale amber orange, the walls peeling much like the rest of the house. But the sink and the bathtub are actually clean, even the toilet is clean. It’s nice to know he doesn’t live in total squalor.
Ridding myself of my clothes, I lean over the counter and just stare at my own reflection in the mirror. My eyes wander down to my stomach, a little smile tugging at my lips. I haven’t been eating much for the past week or so, and I definitely feel a bit smaller. It’s nice, but it’s not enough. It’s never been enough, though. Even when I went from a double XL size shirt to a medium, I was never really satisfied.
I quickly avert my gaze, stepping into the tub and fiddling with the water. It shoots out cold for a second, before turning lukewarm in temperature. It runs down my body, pitter-pattering on the porcelain beneath me. The noise is relaxing, like rain on a window
It was always my favorite thing back home, watching rain slide down the glass. I’ll probably never see that again, at least not frommyplace. No more late night Thai deliveries, either.
My life is totally and completely different now, regardless of how I feel.
There’s no excuses. Not for Toro, and not for myself. Even if he’s sweet, even if Ilikehim, I’m trapped. I’m stuck. I can’t just hop in the family truck and drive back to town. Idle hands wash my physical body clean, but there’s something hidden underneath that won’t scrub away so easily.
Maybe it’s guilt.
All of my friends are dead. Well, except for Nadine, but I doubt she’s thinking about me right now. I don’t even know if she made it back to town safe, and that kills me. Sure, I didn’t always get along with them, but theyweremy friends. Now they’re dead, and I’m out here cuddling and kissing the man who killed them
What really sets me apart from the rest of the family?
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Toro doesn’t return to the room until around noon. I know it’s noon because he comes bearing lunch for the both of us. My palms are sweaty as he sets down a plate for me, my hesitance obvious when I realize there’s a big fat burger awaiting me.
I gulp, and once he’s done scooting next to me on the bed he notices I haven’t even tried to grab the thing yet. He picks it up, holding the plate closer to my face. Itsmellsgood, but so did that awful pozole.
“It’s not… People, is it?” I don’t know a better way to ask that. I need the truth, Ineedhim to be honest. He doesn’t turn away, doesn’t make a face. He just shakes his head. A simple answer. Still, I’m not sure. “You… you promise, right? It’s really not?”
An exhale that sounds like a laugh makes me ease up a bit. He sets his burger down and points both index fingers up, bringing them to his head to mimic what I assume to be a cow. He’s beaming while he does it, and I hate how happy his smile makes me.
“Cow,” I say.
Toro nods, and that’s that.
I take one bite, the teensiest little test bite. It’s good, which sucks. The patty is juicy, topped with pickles and lettuce and everything else you’d want on a burger. It’s real. It’s anactualmeal, not a little bowl of salad or toast. I scarf it down without even sparing it a second thought. I didn’t even realize how hungry I was until now.
When I look over at Toro I find that he’s just watching me. He doesn’t seem like he’s judging me, but I’m suddenly very aware of how gross that all probably was.Well, at least that’s what I think until he leans in to peck my cheek quickly.
He holds up his own burger as an offer, but I quickly shake my head even if my stomach is still rumbling. “It’s okay.”
Still, he waves the thing in front of my face. Clearly I’m not going to slip by without one little bite. That satisfies him, at least for now. Toro puts an arm around me, finishing up the rest of his burger in two bites.
We sit there in silence for a few minutes. I let my head fall on his shoulder, yawning quietly. He immediately perks up at that, looking down at me and kissing the top of my head a whole bunch. He likes those kinds of kisses a lot. Head, cheeks, shoulder—wherever he can get them.
“Hey, Toro?” I glance over at the closet, remembering what I had found. “What’s with the uh… seed packets? In the drawer, and in the closet.”
When he looks at me like I just asked him the most horrific question ever it quickly dawns on me that the answer might not be as simple as I expected it to be. He tugs on my hand, fingers slotting together like pieces of a puzzle. Toro leads me to the door of his bedroom, before turning to look at me.
Despite his size, he looks so small at the moment. I reach my free hand up to stroke his cheek, noting how his head sinks into my touch. That does the trick, and with a more confident grunt he leads me down the narrow halls of the Tavera house.
He takes me all the way outside, the sun shining down on us for only a second. Together we enter a side door to one of the many little buildings scattered about theproperty. It’s dark, not a window in sight. He pulls on the light and one lone little bulb illuminates the entire room.
