Page 44 of Heat Haze
It’s comforting but the guilt still remains to eat away at me. He’s so sweet it hurts, so undeserving of all the cards life dealt him. Maybe I’m just overly emotional right now, well—I’m definitely overly emotional right now. But I just need him to know how much I care.
“Tor?” My voice is quiet, but not scared. Never scared. He mumbles out a “huh?” and looks down at me. I notice the faint trace of worry in his gaze, which makes me feel like shit. I force myself to smile for him, so he knows he has my whole heart and nothing but. “Maybe we should go on a date?”
He swallows, clearly taken aback by the suggestion. “D-Date…?”
I nod. “Yeah. We can go to town and you can show me around. We can hold hands and walk down the street, and—”
“No.”
“What?”
“No.” Stone-faced, his grip on me tightens. Not enough to hurt, but enough for me to feel it. I know it’s out of desperation, not out of anger. “No town. No date.”
He’s scared, I can see that. I can see through him like he’s made out of glass most times. “I won’t run. I wouldn’t do that, Toro.”
“No town,” he repeats with a trembling voice. “Please…”
“I’m not leaving you,” I say while pushing myself up to cup his cheeks. “I promise, Toro. You think I’m gonna go to town and run away? Really? After everything?”
Toro goes through a rollercoaster of emotions before finally ending at something akin to resignation. He whines right in my ear, sniffling as he pulls me up flush against his body. “Need you…”
“You have me,” I coo, kissing his jaw. “It’s just a date, Toro. Promise.”
I know he doesn’t want to, that much is obvious. But he sighs, nodding weakly. “...Kay.”
“Really!?” I perk up at the thought of us actually getting away from this farm for a while. “You mean it? You won’t change your mind?”
His lips curve upwards at my reaction. “No. We… We go. Date.”
“You won’t regret it, Tor. Promise.”
Toro just huffs again, mashing his face into my shoulder. “Promise…?”
“Promise.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Alma is driving us to town in fifteen minutes, and I’m not ready. I haven’t had to care much about how I looked for so long, but now that I’m standing in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror it’s painfully obvious how fast everything falls apart without my normal routine.
The bags under my eyes are more noticeable, my skin is more uneven, and my poor brows are unkempt. I frown at myself, unable to ignore the memories of the past rushing in. Back when I used to stare at myself in every mirror I came across, wondering why I had to look the way I did. Running a hand through my hair doesn’t help. It’s longer, I think. More wild.
I’m dressed in a pair of Alma’s jeans since they fit me, and a loose fitting sweatshirt with a cat on it that Lucio offered up. It’s hard to imagine a guy like him wearing it, but I guess I don’t know that much about Lucio. None of it makes me feel better, though.
When was the last time I worked out? The last time I actually put effort into my appearance so that I’d never be the fat kid everyone made fun of again. It makes me feel like an outsider in my own body, and that hurts.
The worst part is I don’t think anyone would even understand around here. I doubt they care about looks as much as I do, which is funny when I don’tactuallycare about looks. Not for other people. I just care about howIlook, because I was made to be painfully aware of it at a young age.
I’m probably overthinking things. I always do. But I hate what I see. I hate the person staring back at me. I almostwant to call off the whole date, but the bathroom door swings open and Toro peers in.
“Hi,” he says. He loves that word, I think. He says it whenever he can, and I find that adorable. He saunters up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. He must have some sort of built-in tracker to sense when I feel off.
My reflection isn’t alone anymore. My boyfriend is standing behind me, holding me tight like I belong—like I’m okay. Then he’s kissing me from the top of my head to the base of my neck, smiling all the while.
“Cute,” Toro murmurs even though his eyes are closed and he can’t even see me. “Mine. Cute.”
All those negative thoughts feel further away, now. I push him away playfully, blushing. “Don’t.” My tone is anything but convincing, and it doesn’t help that I fall into his chest and giggle.
Toro kisses my head one last time before pulling away, looking at himself now. His expression is hard to read, but he doesn’t look all that thrilled. He pulls at the bottom of his red and black flannel that I picked out for him, before bringing a hand up to stroke his chin.
