Page 48 of Little Deer
24
LUCY
I rush through my shower,not wanting to leave Soren with Massimo for too long. Not that I think he’s going to hurt my son, but I can’t imagine being with a screaming baby for that long is his idea of a good time. Hopefully Kida can help him or even take over.
Still, getting a shower, getting clean, is the best feeling. It wipes away some of the exhaustion, but also lets me think. This entire day has been like a slap in the face. This is my life now. At least for the foreseeable future until whatever is going on out there settles down. It terrifies me. What if I had been downstairs with Soren when that explosion happened? What if we were hurt, or worse? What if I left Soren with no parents? Who would care for him?
My mind swirls, completely lost in the what ifs. I lift my face to the spray, trying to wash them away, but I can’t seem to make them stop. Panic and worry just continue to build and bubble,until I sink to the ground, touching the cool tiles outside the spray, trying to recenter myself.
I can’t go out there all worked up. I need to get myself under control.
I force myself to take deep breaths, the way I used to do when I was home alone and Joey was out with his friends after another fight. Normally when I wouldn’t agree to going back to the club like he wanted. When he would use his dominance over me to fuck with my head just to punish me.
I hate this feeling. I hate the way it sends me back into the same spiral it took me a long time to get out of. I promised myself I would never let it happen again, but I guess I can’t live up to that.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I repeat the mantra over and over until I finally feel a small semblance of calm. Of enough clarity that I can get back to my feet, turn off the shower, and hurry out. I don’t allow myself to think as I get dressed and wrap a towel in my hair. Now that the shower isn’t running, I can still hear Soren crying, and my heart sinks. Shit. While I’ve been having a pity party for myself in the shower, I’ve left my son hungry.
What kind of mother am I?
I rush out of the bathroom, skidding to a stop when I see Massimo standing near the window, holding Soren up and pointing things out to him quietly, patiently. Soren’s cries aren’t as angry or loud, but he definitely doesn’t seem to care too much about whatever Massimo is saying to him.
I look around, but I don’t see Kida. Wait? Did she leave Massimo alone?
“He’s hungry,” I say as I move quickly to Massimo’s side. “I’ll feed him and he’ll stop.”
Massimo doesn’t argue, handing me back my son, but his eyes take me in, assessing. I try to ignore him as I pull Soren intomy arms, looking around for a place to sit. I finally decide on the sofa near the fireplace, grabbing the small receiving blanket on the bed to cover myself. I’m not comfortable sitting with my tit out in front of Massimo.
I put the blanket over me, lift my shirt, and put Soren to my breast. He latches on hungrily, making me wince, but I settle back into the couch. Massimo comes and sits in the one across from me. I try not to stiffen, but I look down to make sure I’m covered.
“Where’s Kida?” I ask when I look back at him.
“I’m not sure. She left after we talked for a minute. I didn’t even hear her leave.” His eyes scan my face. “What’s wrong,cerbiatta?”
Damn it. I really was hoping that I had hid how upset I was. “Nothing, I’m just tired,” I lie smoothly. It slips off my tongue as easily as it did when Joey used to demand to know what is wrong with me. “And stressed that I could hear Soren crying.”
At first I think he’s going to take my lie without questioning it, but then his eyes narrow, and he leans forward, elbows braced on his knees, and says in a low, tight voice, “Don’t lie to me, Lucy. Tell me to mind my own business, fine, but don’t lie.”
I stiffen, and I try not to glare at him. Instead, I keep my expression calm and tell him, “You think me being concerned about my son is a lie?” Another thing I learned from Joey. When he tried to accuse me, I turned it back to him, letting him hear his question. Let him doubt himself and leave me alone.
Only, with Massimo, he isn’t Joey. He’s either psychic and can read minds, or he’s just very good at seeing through bullshit. He’s clearly not going to drop it.
Massimo’s head cocks slightly. “Is this how you get people to leave you alone? To stop asking questions when you don’t want to talk? I don’t tolerate lies, Lucy. Ever. Especially not from you. Not when I can help.”
It’s the wrong thing to say. My defences go up fast, hard, and my glare turns icy. “And who are you to tell me what you will and won’t tolerate?” I ask, my tone serbic.
Massimo’s eyes flash, but with something I recognize well. Something I used to see in Joey’s eyes all the time. My stomach clenches with unease. What is Massimo going to do? Is he going to yell at me? Call me names? Or is he going to turn cold and walk away, icing me out? Breaking this tenuous trust we have?
We stare at each other, the friction between us growing the longer neither of us speaks. The only sound is Soren’s hungry suckles and small grunts.
Finally, Massimo says in that deep voice that makes my insides quiver, “I am the man that could very well make you tell me,cerbiatta, but won’t because I won’t have you putting me in the same category as whoever you are trying to protect yourself from in your head.”
I stiffen. “What?”
“You think I don’t see the look in your eyes, or the way you turned those questions around? Or that I didn’t notice the way you reacted to me when I put you in the passageway earlier? That I didn’t hear the wordsyes, sir, when I gave you that order? That you put your head down in submission?”
The blood in my veins turns to ice. First denial, then fear. Of what him having that information means. How he can use it against me.
