Page 49 of Little Deer
He doesn’t move from his position on the couch, and as much as I want to get up, walk away, lock myself in the closet, I don’t move. I can’t move. I’m frozen in place, trying not to panic or show him what I’m feeling.
Finally, Massimo says, “Unlike whoever he was, Lucy, I will not coerce you into telling me, or order you to. However, I will never just take a lie and let it be. Or let you hide. Like I said, you can tell me to fuck off, but don’t lie to me.”
“And what is your obsession with lies?”
He eases back, sinking back into the sofa as watches me. Almost like he’s trying to decide how much he wants to tell me. Finally, his tone calm, he answers. “Because all my mother did was lie to me, even as she betrayed us and my father. She did pretty much the same thing that Nico’s mother did and had an affair with another man, all while telling them about our plans, our operations, our secrets. We almost didn’t find out until too late. She was plotting with her lover to kill my father, and the rest of us, and take over our home, our businesses and territory.”
I was not expecting that. The ice starts to thaw, and sympathy takes its place. “She was planning on killing you? Her own son? And your brothers?”
He nods. “We’re an extension of our father, and her lover was never going to let us stay breathing and possibly rise back up to take back what was rightfully ours. She may have at one time loved us, but that grew to resentment the minute she fell in love with someone else and couldn’t give him the children she felt he should have. We were in their way.”
“What happened to her?”
At first I’m not sure he’s going to answer, but finally, he states matter-of-factly, “Papa killed her and her lover. After everything, there was no other option. It nearly killed him, but he would never stand for her trying to harm us. Him, he could have understood it in a way, but not his children. I don’t think he’s ever forgiven her, or himself.”
My heart aches. I can’t imagine waking up one day and finding out that my own mother was planning to kill me. I glance down at the blanket covering Soren’s head. The thought of never loving my son is so far out of the realm of possibility for me. When my gaze returns to Massimo’s, I say, “She deserved to die for trying to do something like that.”
“Since then, lies are the one thing I can’t stand. Even small ones. Small lies lead to bigger and worse ones, and it chips away at the trust people have between them.” His gaze intensifies. “And I want you to trust me, Lucy. And that includes the times you think you should keep something to yourself because you’re sure it’s going to bother me, piss me off, or that I just won’t care. I can’t help you if I don’t know. Communication is important, yes?”
“You make it sound like we’re something more than whatever this whole entire situation is, Massimo.” And it terrifies me, but I keep that to myself.
He doesn’t reply to that, and I have a feeling that’s deliberate. Instead, he asks, “Who made you fear being honest, Lucy?”
I’m saved from answering by Soren pulling away from me, full, and letting out a small grunt. I awkwardly pull him from beneath the blanket, trying not to flash Massimo. Massimo eases forward and holds out his hands. I hesitate, but then hand him the baby. Maybe if he’s focusing on him, the questions will stop.
Wishful thinking.
“Lucy,” he prompts as I straighten my clothes and pull the blanket from around my shoulders. He sits Soren on his knee, holding his neck as he pats his back. He looks like a pro, and Soren seems content to be there. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Massimo,” I snap. I wince when he arches a brow. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound like a bitch. I just…I’m overwhelmed, and when people push me, I just get defensive.” And before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “And I really don’t want you to use what you know against me. I don’t know that I’ll survive someone doing that again.”
Soren lets out a loud burp, and Massimo gives him a big smile, turning the baby to face him. “Good job,ometto. Now, I need you to be a goodbambinoand let me talk to your mama, yes?” Soren lets out a small sound, and Massimo presses a gentlekiss to his forehead before gently settling him down on the couch beside him, putting some of the throw pillows around him. Soren lets out a big yawn and kicks his legs, but doesn’t cry out, clearly content.
Massimo’s gaze moves back to me, but his hand stays close to Soren, and I don’t know why, but it endears me to him more. That he’s thinking of him and also making sure he’s safe.
Massimo’s gaze is intense as he watches me. “Someone did this to you? They broke your trust that way?” I lower my eyes and nod. God, it’s shameful to even think about. No, not shameful, embarrassing. I should have the backbone not to let someone treat me that way, to use something so intimate and personal against me. I should have had the strength to walk away the first time it happened. “Lucy, look at me,” Massimo orders gently. It doesn’t escape me that he’s careful with his tone. It’s an order, but not one expected to be obeyed without question. I lift my gaze to his, and it makes my chest clench to see the understanding and the comfort there. “Will you tell me?”
Do I want to tell him? A part of me wants to tell him no, but another part of me feels like I need to.
Finally, with a nervous lick of my lips, I admit, “My husband and I really liked trying new things. And when we were young, it was a big thrill. From there, he took me to a sex club back home, and we really enjoyed it. We learned from people there, we took classes to make sure we were being safe, and then we started doing a bit of a dominant and submissive dynamic. Not completely, mostly only in the bedroom, but I figured out that I’m very susceptible to the way someone speaks to me when I’m in that submissive space, or when I’m overwhelmed. Joey figured that out pretty quick and at first he only used it in certain situations when he knew I needed it, in bed, or if we went back to a club. But then I started to notice that he was using it other times too. Outside of what we agreed. I wouldn’t realize it untilit was too late. He was careful at first, like he was testing to see what he could get away with. By the time I figured out what he was doing, it was months later, and I was furious and hurt. He didn’t care though.
“We had a huge fight about it, and he finally apologized and said that he wouldn’t do it again. We were already engaged, so I wanted to believe him, and I forgave him. He was good until he wanted to move and take the job here. I realized too late he had done it again, he was just more careful this time. By then, we moved here and he was starting to almost act like he didn’t want a wife. Hanging out with the guys at work all the time, upset if I wasn’t home and he had to make his own supper because I was working. It caused a lot of fights. We managed to work our way back to each other one more time, and this time, I got pregnant.
“At first, I was terrified, but Joey assured me this was good. This was what we always talked about. So I thought this was going to be a turning point. I was about six weeks along, so still early. Then, I noticed that he was doing it again, but using my hormones against me as well. I was so tired, so weak from morning sickness, that he used that time to manipulate me into agreeing with him that he could basically do whatever he wanted because I wasn’t useful to him. I was too sick to do everything, including sex, so that gave him the right to go out and party and spend time with his friends. He fucked up by trying to coerce me into sex after I had a really hard day at work, was sick as a dog, and he was feeling horny. I caught it that time, and I lost my shit. We went to bed angry and he said some horrible things.
“It took almost a full week for us to get back to normal and talk things out, but I think I knew that I would never trust him again. He broke it one too many times. He died a week after that big fight. I mourned his death, but parts of me are grateful that I won’t have to deal with him manipulating me all over again. Orteaching our son to do the same things. And I’m pretty sure that that makes me a terrible wife and human.”
25
MASSIMO
I never knewit was possible to despise a dead man so much. I hope he’s burning in hell. What kind of man does that to the woman he’s supposed to cherish? To love more than himself? To use her that way, to manipulate her to serve his selfish desires and break her trust, is unforgivable. If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him.
“No, it doesn’t,” I tell her firmly. I don’t want her ever to feel like she owes that prick anything else. He deserves nothing from her anymore.
Her eyes search mine, and they grow wet the longer she stares at me. She blinks hard a few times, trying to keep them at bay. “We were married.”
“He’s lucky that you even mourned him with the way he treated you.” Fuck, I’m so angry. I don’t consider myself part of the BDSM world, but I am a dominant man, and I like the women in my bed to be more submissive. I like them being willing to trust me and allow me to run the show how I see fit,knowing that they’re putting themselves in my hands. To know that Lucy was betrayed in that way, the parts of her exposed and vulnerable to him and then exploited, infuriates me.
