Page 50 of Little Deer
“It’s over now, but when you talked to me that way earlier, it brought it back. I know you weren’t doing it on purpose, that you didn’t know that about me, but it put my back up.”
Guilt eats at me. Fuck. I fucked this up. “Had I known, Lucy, I would never have spoken to you that way.” I wince. “No, that’s not true. I might have, but it was only because of the situation. I was only thinking of getting you and Soren to safety.”
“I’m not angry about that, Massimo. I’m really not. It was just…I had hoped to never reveal that side of myself again. Not unless I wanted, and it feels like I’ve lost control again. That I’ve given you some kind of leverage against me.”
That guilt only intensifies. “But I did use it as leverage, didn’t I? When I ordered you into the bathroom, I knew what I was doing. I knew that you would do what I told you to if I used the same tone. That doesn’t make me any better than him.” I shake my head, infuriated at myself. She looks at me in surprise, like she didn’t realize that I had done that. That doesn’t fucking help, especially after hearing her story.
With one hand still on Soren’s belly to keep him in place, I reach out the other toward her, and she instinctively takes it. I look at her with every ounce of sincerity I’m feeling and say, “I am so very sorry, Lucy, that I did that to you. I will not do that to you again. You have my word.” I will never allow myself to do that to her again.
Her fingers flex, but her eyes stay glued to mine, searching. Then she slowly nods. “Thank you,” she murmurs.
I’m not one hundred percent sure that she believes me, but I’ll show her. I will make it my goal to prove myself to her. To show her that we’re not all like her idiot husband.
“Other than all of that, were you happy with him?” I don’t know why I need to know that, but I have a deep need to hear her tell me.
She sighs and pulls her hand from mine. “I was happy for a long time. He was my second love and my first real adult romance. I had a high school boyfriend, but that was never going to work. Joey was cute, attentive, and a lot of fun. At first, I wasn’t sure that he was really interested in me for more than fun, but suddenly we were together, and it was just good. It worked. But Joey always wanted more. He wanted to be big and successful, and I think that overshadowed our relationship. I supported him because he was smart, and if anyone could make it work, it was Joey. But, like anything, we grew up and became different people. We still made things work, we compromised, but I knew we were growing apart.”
I want to tell her that they wouldn’t have lasted from the sounds of things, but I’m not cruel. “And did you grow unhappy toward the end?”
She nods. “I was so angry with him all the time. I was feeling so neglected. He made us move to the city, and I had no one. No friends, no family support, nothing. I was working or at home, and instead of us spending time together, he was always gone. The only time he seemed to be interested in spending time with me was if I wanted sex or I suggested us going to the club he found.” She gives me a bitter smile. “Sex was the only connection we had left, and even with that, we were growing apart.”
A cold sliver of dread slices down my spine. “Did he break your trust when it came to your intimate life?”
She hesitates, but then slowly nods.
Fucker.
“I’m pretty sure he was going to the club without me and cheating on me at the end of it,” she whispers, swallowing hard. “I couldn’t prove it, he was being careful, but he always was morerelaxed after the club, and in the last couple of months, when he was supposed to be with the guys from work, he would come home far too relaxed. I was suspicious, but I was also so tired from everything that I didn’t want to look too hard into it.”
The pain she has gone through irritates me. I want to fix it. I want to prove to her that she never has to worry about something like that again. “You have good instincts,cerbiatta. If you suspected, then you were probably right.”
“What does that mean? You’ve called me that a few times.”
I blink at the change in subject. “Cerbiattais loosely translated to little deer.” I smile playfully. “Because you are a bit skittish with big doe eyes when you look at me at times. It suits you.”
“Oh.” She doesn’t look like she knows how to process that. Instead of commenting on my answer, she changes the subject again. “I don’t mean to dump all of this on you, Massimo. And I don’t say any of this to make you look at me with pity, or make you feel guilty in some way.”
“I want you to be open and honest with me, Lucy. Never feel that you have to hide something from me because you think that you will hurt my feelings. You are brave, and you have the courage to use your voice. You stood up to Nico, even when you didn’t want to. So telling me this, this is nothing, yes?”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“What else would it be? We talk, and you let your soul lighten without the burden of these feelings weighing on your heart.”
She looks away nervously, but finally drags her gaze back to me. “I only really feel this way and have this connection with you, Massimo. And it scares me a little bit. Especially since I don’t really know you. I just feel some kind of weird pull, the need to tell you things. It frightens me.”
My brave cerbiatta.
I can see how much it’s costing her to tell me this. Instead of answering her right away, I gently lift Soren into my arms and carry him over to the bassinet near the bed. He lets out a small sound of protest, but then yawns. When I turn, I see Lucy is on her feet, watching me with a worried expression.
When I reach her, I’m careful not to crowd her, but the worry is now nerves as she tilts her head back to look up at me. “You never have to be afraid of me, cerbiatta. Never be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings, even if they frighten you. You think you are alone in these feelings? You are not.” Her lashes flutter in surprise. I smile gently. “I feel this need to be around you, Lucy, and around Soren. It’s a strange thing for me, and I don’t know how to handle it myself. My entire purpose in coming into those passages was to get to you. Make sure you were alright; that Soren wasn’t too upset. Though, since we are being honest, I don’t know how I feel about them either.”
“Because you don’t like me that way?”
“Because I have never wanted a woman of my own. I’ve never wanted a family like my brothers do, or like my Papa wishes for me. I have always been the casual brother, the one who enjoys the finer things and the ease of being single.”
“So you’re a bit of a manwhore.” There’s no judgment there, more just a fact.
I shrug. “Perhaps by some standards, but I am not cruel about it. I don’t sleep with a woman to just discard her. I never want a woman to feel that I don’t value her in some way. I’m also very clear that anything with me is casual.”
