Page 155 of Steeling Her
“NICK!” he bellows at me. When more of the guys come into my room, I can see the look of panic written on their faces. Their stunned gazes watch TJ push me back so I don’t cause any more damage. “FUCKING HELP ME!” he shouts to them. Two of the guys race over to press my hands against the wall. They’re struggling because I’ve gathered up so much adrenaline, anger, frustration. hurt, and disappointment.
“Nick! Calm down! Calm DOWN!” TJ grabs my face to make sure I’m focused on him. Both of us are panting. The worried look in his eyes brings me back from the rage that exploded within me. I crash back to my surroundings.
For the first time since attending my grandfather’s funeral, I can feel my world begin to split in two. Tears roll down my face. I’m crying silently as I stare at my best friend dead in the eyes.
“Everyone out,” he orders. The guys back away from us after restraining me. I needed it. I am grateful that they helped me, but I also needed some release. My heart had recessed into the pit of my stomach as I wait for it to dissolve in an acid bath. I was drowning my own heart and killing it.
I can’t do this to her.
I can’t let my dad interfere, but I know he will. I know he’ll put his foot in it and really fuck it all up. It’s already gone to shit, and right now, I have no idea what to do.
It takes a lot longer than I had expected, but once I’m good and have calmed down, TJ backs off. He steps away from me and moves closer to my bed behind him. We haven’t broken any eye contact. He winces at the sight of me. I’m no doubt red eyed and look completely broken by all of this.
“Do you want me to call Carter?” he asks. At the sound of her name, I crack and slide down the wall behind me until I get to the floor. Sitting down with my knees bent up and my head in my hands, I whimper at the thought of seeing her.
I know I have to do it. I don’t want my dad saying it to her, it’ll hurt her even more. I know he’ll twist it. I want her to hear it from me.
“My dad and coach want me to end things with Carter,” I whisper to my best friend. I hear him sigh as I stare at the floor beneath me.
“Shit . . . Nick, I’m sorry.” He doesn’t sound too pleased for me either. At least I know he’s on my side. “That’s so rough,” he continues, but it doesn’t make me feel better. Nothing will once I tell her I can’t be with her.
I’ll become numb and step back from my family. In particular, my dad. He doesn’t deserve to see me any longer. I’m walking away from him, and I don’t want to hear or see him again.
“I can’t do it to her, TJ,” I confess. My mind is all over the place. I don’t want to say those words to her. It’ll shatter her, and I will never forgive myself. “I don’t want to do it. I’m in too deep with her. As much as it will hurt her, it’ll be ten times worse for me.” I can start to feel the pain brew in my heart at the thought of seeing her pained expression. It’ll be the last straw for her and she won’t want anything to do with me. Not that I can blame her, I wouldn’t want anything to do with me either after what I’ll do.
“You love her, huh?” I nod back at his question. I do love her. Turns out, I’ve loved her from the very start, I just never realised it until now. “Man, I don’t know what to say or how to help you Nick. I know that it’s killing you inside; I can see that much. I’m not blaming it on her, but you have been a little distracted lately in practice and in games. And the fact that you’re not passing to Ryan hasn’t helped this.” I glare at my best friend and he holds up his hands in front of him, like he knows I’m about to jump down his throat. “I’m just saying, Nick. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact,” he swears, and I slam my head against the wall behind me.
We are both enveloped in dead silence, our own thoughts occupying the time that feels like it’s slowly ticking by.
“What would you do?” I ask him. He shakes his head and sighs in silence once again.
“I have no idea what I would do. But either choice you make, I’ll support you one hundred percent. I’ll even help you get Haley off your back if you need it. I’m here for you, no matter what. We’ve been through so much together, and I’ll be there for the rest of it. It’s not an easy one Nick, so think about it carefully. I don’t envy you right now, man . . .” He’s telling me something that I already fucking know.
This is already eating me alive.
“I don’t have a choice but to end it with her, TJ. I tried walking away but I couldn’t,” I tell him.
“You tried walking away from it? Seriously?” I nod. He’s stunned into another gaping silence. “You really are crazy about her, aren’t you?” he murmurs to me. Confirming that I am, in fact, crazy about this girl, he slumps his shoulder down. How could I not be crazy about her? I shared all of my best memories with her, and I don’t want to leave with just those memories. I want to make so much more with her.
I want those nights where I wake up in the middle of the dark night and all I have to do is roll over to see she’s next to me to get a quick kiss from her.
I want those mornings where I wake up and see her dressed in my jersey that stops midthigh. I want to watch her dance around the kitchen in her underwear with me as we make our food. I want to hear her sing, even if it’s off key.
I want to watch her be the mother of my kids and watch them grow up alongside her as my wife. I want a football team of kids with her. I want a daughter who grows up to be just like her.
I want the nervousness of asking her dad and brothers for their permission to ask her to marry me. I want to be completely speechless when I see her walk down the aisle towards me with her dad on her arm and I want to hear “I do” leave her sweet lips. I want her to watch me in the stands at my professional games, cheering for me with the rest of my family, kids included, except my father.
That’s all I want in life.
And I’ve fucked it all up for myself. I get none of that. Zero; zilch; nada.
“Jesus, Nick, I had no idea that’s how much you felt for her. I thought you just liked her. But by, like, a lot. I didn’t know you actually fell for her.” TJ sounds defeated for me.
I bang my head against the wall again and again, groaning in pain; both internally and externally.
“Does your mom know about any of this?” I shake my head.
When we hear a knock on the door, I can see Ryan standing there with his hands in his pockets. He stares between the both of us, wondering if he can come in. I nod him into my trashed room and he steps in. He has a tight smile on, showing that he feels a little awkward.
