Page 158 of Steeling Her
“Listen to me, Carter. I’m telling you the truth. I want to be with you, but I can’t. Not right now. They think it’ll ruin my career—” My heart drops onto the floor when he said that.
“I would ruin your career?” I sob back.
“That’s not what I meant. It came out wrong,” he retracts his statement and runs his free hand through his blond hair in frustration, messing it up. I feel an itch to fix it for him, but I know that’s not my place anymore. Because he’s breaking up with me. He’s breaking up with me in a college coffee shop at nine in the morning on a Saturday, right before his big game.
“I got the message. You don’t need to keep defending yourself, Nick. I got the message loud and clear.” I shake my head, disappointed at him and his choice, cradling my own chest as it pains me. I can literally feel my heart break in two right now as it withers away inside of me.
“I want to be with you, Carter, please believe me. Just give it time, please. I want you to be my girlfriend.” He keeps telling me all this, and I yank my hand out of his hold so I can really leave this time. I’m sick of him talking right now.
I don’t want to be here, either. I don’t want to hear his voice or look at his beautiful face anymore. I can’t because with each word it hurts, and with each look it breaks me. I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore.
“I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you. I don’t want to see you or talk to you ever again, Nick. I’m done. I’m so done with all of this. Enjoy the NFL, the parties, the models, the money, everything. Because that’s what you’ll get. Enjoy it all. Don’t talk to me ever again, I don’t want to see you anymore.” I push his rock hard chest back.
“No, I don’t want any of that. I want you and football. But I can’t hav—”
“Save it. You’ve made it loud and clear that you were never supposed to have a girlfriend. I get it. You’ll move on. It’s over between us before it even started and it’s never happening again. Is that clear? Stay away from me.” I walk out of the store—it’s more like stomping—away from my first boyfriend, who has effectively torn my heart to shreds all because of the one thing that I knew would ruin it someday.
Football.
My bittersweet hobby that has ruined any relationship I’ve ever been in but created a bond between me and my family.
“Carter!” he calls after me, and I can hear his footsteps on the pathway from behind as I try not to let a sob leave my lips.
I love the fact that he’s coming after me but at the same time, I hate it. His body wraps around mine as he holds onto me. I sob into his chest and hit him with my open palm for doing this to me.
“I’m sorry. Carter, I didn’t know what to do,” he confesses, which doesn’t make me feel any better. It actually makes me feel worse because he still chose. Football had more pro’s than I had in his eyes.
“I want to be with you—”
“Stop saying that! Please!” I beg to him through my tears. “Please . . . just stop saying that . . .” It hurts too much when he says that. My body is trembling from his words.
“It’s true, Carter.” He tenderly strokes my head. I know I’m going to miss this; I’m going to really miss him embracing me like this.
“It’s too hard, Nick. I can’t hear that anymore. Just please, no more,” I beg him through my soft sobs. I’ve experienced this kind of heartbreak before but damn, this is the worst, and he’s comforting me about it; about something that he’s done. Does he realize what he’s done? How much pain this is giving me?
This choice wasn’t fair for me. I wasn’t given a fair chance.
“Please, just listen to me,” he begs softly back to me. I can feel his hot breath leave his lips on the crown of my head. Hiccupping into his chest, I don’t know why but I nod and allow him to say his piece. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I was pushed to do this. I really don’t want anything else but you and my career. Carter, I want you by my side. But people have told me that I’ve been distracted lately. My recent games have been not my strongest. It’s not down to you, it’s down to me wanting to constantly be with you. I’ve sacrificed it. I’ve done it, not you. I let myself do this. I let myself down. Just give me time and I will work something—”
“No.” I shake my head and back away from him. I push myself back to get some distance, so my mind has clarity without his intoxicating smell messing with me, distracting me. “You were given this choice and you chose,” I state with shaky words. “You chose your path, Nick.” I nod, still crying my broken heart out. “I just hope it’s worth it.” I nod once more, telling him to just let it be—to let us be. My body has had enough and given up. “I really do hope it’s worth it for you. I hope you become as big as you want to be. You don’t have anymore distractions.” I let go of his hand that he was desperately clasping on to, trying not to let me go, but it’s time. I can feel my body quiver internally from this gut-wrenching conversation we’ve just had.
One that I will never forget.
“Goodbye, Nick,” I say finally and leave him alone in the quad where nobody resides.
“I’ll find you again. I promise.” He bites down on his lip as he promises me that, and I watch him cry along with me. A lone tear drops from his eye as he watches me leave.
I run, shaking my head away from him. Rapidly breathing and feeling the air sting my lungs, I swear profusely to get to my car so I can drive to somewhere else. Anywhere but here. I just want to take off with the wind underneath me. I want my own space and my own time with my own thoughts.
I don’t need people. I don’t need my family. I don’t need my parents. And I don’t need Nick.
Today was the day I would never forget. The first time I had my little heart shattered by the one guy I ever loved romantically. The one and only guy who had my heart. And it kills me to think that he still has it and he always will.
The sting from what happened isn’t the only thing that’s painful, it’s that I know he’ll be the next big thing. He’s talented and handsome. He’s got that appeal for the industry. His face will be everywhere, and it’ll hurt like a bitch every time I see it.
I meet my car and slam into the side, resting my head on the window as I cry harder and harder at the thought that I can’t see or speak to him ever again. I’m wailing against my car in the fresh morning. It’s going to be too hard.
I wish I never met him and his stupid smirk in the first place. But we can’t time these things. If I could have looked far into the future, I would’ve seen it coming, but I don’t have that special power.
