Page 255 of Steeling Her
We both look at one another, I know Danielle is going to play this a little and so will I.
“Oh I don’t know Haley, I don’t know if I have the time. You know with Taylor—” Danielle begins.
“And me with work, I don’t know if well be able to come—” I add before being interrupted.
“Bitches, shut the fuck up! Y’all are going, so don’t make me drag you down there! And you will both be my bridesmaids and like it. I will put you in ugly dresses if you refuse, don’t test me.” She waves us off as we all begin to laugh loudly at how well we know each other. We knew she wouldn’t buy it with us. It still didn’t hurt to play with her a little.
“Fine, if we must!” Danielle sighs dramatically beside me as she lays herself back to lounge glamorously in the sunshine. Nothing beats the hot sun beaming down on you.
The yacht continues to sail out to sea. The calm blue ocean surrounds us. A slight breeze washes over us as we relax together, talking nonsense, and spending some much needed time together. Much of it is my fault for being locked up away in my home.
It was my choice. I wanted some time away from people and remain with my thoughts. Even though I have no real clarity on what I want, I know that this is the first step to finding out. My grandma used to say that if you can’t make a definitive decision on something, start with the pros and cons, which is what I did.
I made a list of each and redid it over and over. Still nothing definitive.
“So,” Danielle starts and I know that this isn’t another wedding conversation, “how have you been? We haven’t seen you in a while.” She gently grazes my arm to tell me she’s speaking to me, but I already knew she was without even so much as a glimpse at her.
“Yeah, I’ve been fine,” I say, rolling my shoulders so they press deeper into the bed to find the sweet spot of comfort.
“Yeah?” she asks, hoping I’d elaborate more.
“Yeah, I’ve been just quite busy with work and covering for some people. I’ve just got a lot on my plate right now,” I tell a straight-faced lie to my friends.
If there is one thing about lying and me, the lies eat away until I confess. I soon realize there isn’t any point, but Danielle gets there before I did.
“How’s Ted?” she asks. I stare up the the bright blue sky with a small amount of clouds floating by.
This needs to be said. It’s best coming from me.
“I wouldn’t know,” I say as I sit up and face her. She tilts her head to the side and shields her face from the hot sun with her hand to see me better.
“Why? Did you have another fight?” she asks unknowingly. I peer out at the horizon, trying to look anywhere but them. I know that they aren’t judging me but I just feel shitty about how it transpired. I thought it would have been mutual, yet he dropped the fact he had a ring for me. It was messy, to say the least.
“No, we broke up.” I see Haley’s body lurch forward in surprise and concern.
“What?” she whispers. I know she never really liked him, and the feeling was very much mutual to him too, but I do appreciate her concern.
“Yeah, I ended it with him. About two weeks ago,” I confess.
“It all makes sense.” Haley nods. “You hid yourself away again because you ended it. You don’t have to feel ashamed, Carter. He’s the one who should be. He didn’t treat you—”
“Haley.” Danielle shakes her head, urging her to not to go there.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” She reaches for a hug and I accept. She isn’t wrong. I was too accepting of his behavior. I should have stood up for myself more. I have to confess, I took my anger that I had for Nick out on Ted when he first came to LA, but it only solidified the fact that there was a problem between us. I just chose to ignore it in the hopes that he would change, but a man won’t change unless he’s wants to.
“I feel fine about the breakup. I really do,” I say as we move away. I face both girls and cross my legs so we can have this conversation. It’s been two weeks, and I know they’re dying to find out what happened. “I just—I just find it strange that I don’t have someone, you know? To, like, call, message, or go to dinner with. I think I just got used to being in a relationship and got comfortable. It’s just weird for me. That’s all. I have to find my new normal and get used to it. I went from talking almost every day to nothing. It’s an adjustment that I’m forced to make.” I stare at the peace and tranquillity the ocean is gifting to us today. It’s so calm. There is no other place I’d rather be than here at this moment, even when I initially thought it was at the comfort of my bed
“Why didn’t you tell us? We would have been there for you.” Danielle rests a supportive hand on my exposed thigh.
“I know you both would have, that wasn’t the point. I just—” I take a deep breath and release it soon after to take some time to gather my own racing thoughts. “I just wanted to be alone for a while. It was my choice to do it. I just wanted to think and have my space.” As we sit on the yacht, we rock slightly from side to side together in harmony. “I needed the time to refocus and gather myself together. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to talk to you guys;. I did it for me.” Talking to them feels easier once I have my mind back and I know just what to say instead of having random words come out of my mouth and hoping it makes sense. I had been in a lot of turmoil that I never knew I was in with Ted. I was on edge, but as soon as I left his house, I felt it dissipate. I didn’t know I was holding on to a feeling of uncertainty until we had ended things.
“I’m sorry, Carter.” Danielle reaches in for a hug to which I accept.
“Yeah, so am I.” Haley joins us in a three way hug. “I’m glad you took some time for yourself, ” she whispers. Due to the duration I had to fix myself and find my mojo, I feel fine talking about it. Honestly, I came to the resolution and acceptance before I went to end it, so the aftermath wasn’t like it had been before with other guys. This time, it was me. I felt in control of my reaction and emotions. I gave myself the day to mourn when usually it takes longer to get back to normal. Although, I still had to work on treating myself without any outside opinions. I took the time to allow myself to move on and be able to say this today. It gave me the strength that I have, and I’m not ashamed to say it.
“So am I. I needed it, and I feel a little better for doing it,” I say with a smile. We sit back on our beds. Haley removes her sunglasses and watches me. I wait for her to speak and so does Danielle, but she says nothing.
“What?” she asks.
