Page 160 of Steeling Her
“Why her? What makes her so special!” he questions. “Because of her last name? Because she’s a Steel? Huh? Is that it? You can make your own name, Nick! You can make your own path to success without her! You can get any other girl you want once you’ve made it! I can tell you now, you will be thanking me later!” he assures me so confidently, but I don’t just want anyone else.
“No, I fucking won’t. I’m sorry, Mom, but I can’t not say something. I don’t want any other girl, I don’t want any other person; all I want is her beside me when I make it because she was there to support me from the beginning, despite knowing who I was. But I lost her! SHE’S GONE! And it’s all thanks to you!” I choke out. I know I’m crying because I’m worn out. I’ve lost the one girl I love, all thanks to this bastard and his dreams he keeps pushing onto me.
“You’ll find another one,” he reminds me for the third time. I shake my head and step back, still looking into his eyes.
“For the hundredth time, I don’t want anyone else but her!” I shout back, slamming my fists down on the table to emphasize my point. This scares Ellie and my mom, who subconsciously flinches as my fists meet the material. He’s turned me into an animal.
“Why not!” He matches my tone and I get right in his face, gathering up all my courage to say the words that I couldn’t even say to her, all because of him.
“BECAUSE I LOVE HER!” I shout, sobbing loudly and panting hard as I stare at the man who betrayed me. All of these years that I’ve looked up to him have been wiped away in a heartbeat from this incident. “I fucking love her,” I repeat to him in case he didn’t hear me the first time, grabbing on to his jacket and shaking him. Even though there’s a stunned silence in the room all, I can hear is my breathing and sniffles. “And I broke her heart, Dad. All because of your narcissistic ways. I did what you asked of me, and do you see me happy? I did it because I know you would have dragged her through the mud if you had your way. You would have made her out to be the villain in all of this when she’s not. You’re a son of a bitch for doing this to me, making me choose between the two things that I love most. I literally can’t even look at you anymore. You make me so sick.”
I shove him back and step away from him. I don’t even look at my mom. I know she’s quaking from my outburst, but I needed to get my point across and off my chest. I need to remind him that it’s my life and not his.
He’s not living his dream through me. If he does want that, he does it under my terms from now on.
“Thanks to you, I’ve lost her. She hates me. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. So, thank you. Thank you so fucking much, Dad. You’re a real hero,” I sarcastically say through my cries.
“I can’t believe you did that . . .” my mom whispers, falling back against the cabinets behind her. My dad tries to comfort her, but she holds her hands up and side steps him in so much disgust. “I can’t believe you did that to him . . .” She turns around and leans against the countertop, trying to keep it together. Her head is bowed down in shame for the man she married. I can see a tear dropping from her own eyes and rolling down her puffed out cheeks, feeling my pain. She wordlessly shakes her head at my father.
She turns to meet my eyes, and I send her a tight smile but it’s a dead one. There’s no emotion behind it, not even a little bit. I’ve gone numb right now. All the energy has been sucked right out of me for the remainder of the day. I don’t know how I’m going to play this game today. I haven’t got it in me to lead my team to victory. I don’t even care anymore. I don’t want to be on that field and play.
A single thought remains in my mind though:my dad is not welcome anymore.
“I don’t want you at any of my games anymore. I don’t want to see you. I’m so done with you, Dad. I’ve had enough. You thought I was distracted before? I was never distracted. I’m going to play the best goddamn game of my life tonight, and you won’t be there to see it. I’m going to play this game for my girl. I’m going to play my heart out for her.” I clench down hard on my teeth, pressing them together so that there are effectively no gaps between them.
“When I sign my first contract with whoever I’m drafted with, you won’t be there. When I get my first endorsement deal, you won’t be there for that. When I score my first touchdown as a professional, you won’t be there for that. When I run through that tunnel for the very first time, you won’t be there for that. When I do my first commercial, you won’t be there for that either. I want you at none of those things. You’re not welcome! I don’t want you around me ever again, is that clear?” I ask him while he gawps at me blankly, so taken back by my words just as much as I was taken aback by his. They were hurtful, I know, but I wanted him to feel the way I feel. I want him to hurt like I’m hurting.
I turn on my heel and walk out of the house with nothing left to say. As I run my hands through my hair, messing it up, I begin to cry a little again. Losing her is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. This beats even my grandfather’s death. I know he would’ve loved her too, which makes it sting that much lot more.
I stand under the doorframe of the main entrance to my house, the door wide open because my mom hasn’t finished bringing in the groceries. I stare out to the street littered with bicycles and toys around on the lawns. It’s a young enough neighborhood, and I loved it growing up as a kid. There was a ton of room for us to mess around with.
“Nick . . .” I feel a small tug on my pants. I snap my head down to see a doe-eyed Ellie gawking back up at me. I had forgotten my own sister had seen all of that. I crouch down to her level.
“Yes, Princess?” I clear my throat because I sound so croaky replying to her.
“Are you okay? You’re crying,” she asks me and wipes my tears away for me. I kiss her tiny hand as thanks.
I breathe in for a second gathering myself for her. I nod back, smiling at her. She sends me her little, toothy smile back; the one that makes me melt inside. But there is only one smile that I will only ever love to see again and forever.
“I’m good. Dad and I just had a little fight,” I explain to her.
“I know, I saw it. It’s going to be okay, right?” She looks expectantly at me as she looks over my shoulder when we both hear our parents scream at one another. I lament at what I’ve started, and I nod back, pretending to my youngest sister that everything will be like it used to be. It’ll all go back to what it was like before soon.
“Everything is going to be alright, Ellie,” I say gently, making her smile.
“Do you promise?” She wraps her little arms around my neck, and I can’t help but smile, but it’s not like my normal smile. She picks up on it too.
“I promise,” I reply.
“Can I come and see Carter and Haley with you now?” Hearing her name is painful when I know I can’t do that. I can’t even see her, let alone Haley or Ellie. I wonder how she’s going to act around Haley from now on.
I know she’ll be hurt, but I know she’ll stick by Haley because they both cherish their friendship. They’ve had their ups and downs, but they’re stronger than they were before. Now that I’ve made it a little awkward, it probably will take some time for them to get used to.
“I’m afraid not, Princess. Not today. I’ve got to get ready for a game right now, and I’m a little late. Give your favorite brother a big kiss for good luck,” I ask her and she beams, puckering up for me and smacking one on my cheek as I silently pray it’ll get me out of this horrible funk I’m in. However, I know nothing ever will unless it’s from Carter, the one girl I’ve fallen in love with and will ever love. Now, I can’t have her anymore. I deserve every bit of this misery I’m feeling.
“Can I call them instead? On your phone?” she pleads, and I shake my head again, making her pout a little. I used to always let her call either of them on my phone when they weren’t here. She liked to talk to Carter after she read her a story at her birthday party. Ellie was hooked on her. “Okay,” she whispers somberly back at me, and I start to feel so bad. She and I can’t talk to Carter. Especially me.
She’ll never look at me the same anymore, and I can’t blame her for that. I ruined what we had. As much as I loved it, it’s all gone. All because I was forced to make one stupid decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
