Page 204 of Steeling Her
“I just don’t know what to do anymore, TJ. This guy has her wrapped around his finger,” I tell to him while facing out into the night.
“He actually doesn’t. Carter doesn’t take much shit from him. He thinks he’s doing that, but all he’s doing is testing her boundaries.” TJ inhales the cool, crisp air. “I know he is. He’s good too. He does this shit all the time in work, so he’s brought it into the relationship. He’s just pushing her boundaries, which isn’t very good to have in any relationship. Boundaries should be respected, but he just. Keeps. Pushing.” TJ punctuates the last part for emphasis. We’re soon going to officially be brothers. We have been for the longest time. I know he’s on the right side, my side. But at the same time if I’m in the wrong he will tell me.
“Do you like him?” I ask him and he turns his head around to face me with the bottle hanging out of his mouth. I face him, too, when I catch the movement in the corner of my eye.
“Honestly, he’s not a bad guy. He’s dedicated to his job, and I admire that, but I’m not sure Carter holds that same admiration. He works hard, Nick, you can’t fault a guy for that. It’s cutthroat out here,” he says while waving his hand to the LA skyline. Even though I hate the guy, I have to agree. He does have some work ethic. “But do I think he’s right for Carter? No. They’re not compatible for one another. I’ve known this for a while but I’ve kept my mouth shut. They just don’t suit one another very well, and I think it’s becoming more evident.
“Haley hates him, too, because he can be condescending to her sometimes. I’ve spoken to him about it; she’s my fiancé, and I didn’t appreciate what he was saying or the way he was acting towards her. He stopped and we now have a mutual understanding. She’s still holding a grudge, though, you know what she’s like.” He rolls his eyes and I snort. Yeah, that’s my sister alright. “She’s Team Nick though. She’s always had your back when it came to Carter. Maybe not at the beginning, but when you broke up and Carter had time to heal, she always brought you up here and there to see how she would react and to keep you in their loop. She always has your back, Nick,” TJ confesses something that he’s kept to himself for a few years. I knew my sister always had my back, even when I was in the wrong. We’re family, and blood is thicker than water.
“And how did Carter react?” I ask, hoping it’s good.
“You remember when we were younger and we used to sneak out to parties and stuff? Your parents never found out about it because we told nobody and told them we were studying?” he asks me, changing the topic of conversation. I nod anyway to see where he’ll go with this. “And you told me when you sat down for dinner and your mom asked how the study date went? You smiled then stopped yourself and lied to her.” It suddenly makes sense.
“Yeah.” I nod, not seeing the funny side to it.
“That’s how she reacted with you. Every single time you were mentioned, she was happy for a split second and then stopped herself because she remembered what had happened between you two,” he brutally informs me of the idiotic mistake I made. I can’t keep dwelling on the past, I have no right. The only thing I should do now have is to try and fix it, to heal her and myself, and to also bring us back together.
“I was meant to be with her forever,” I confess soundlessly.
“You still can be, Nick.” He pushes himself up straighter in the chair.
“How? She can’t look at me for more than two seconds anymore. Plus, he’s in her head while he treats her like nothing. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves to be treated with respect. I know I haven’t done an impeccable job with her, but I need a second chance, TJ. I need her back. I want her back in my life. I want that chance. She means absolutely everything to me. I know I’ve fucked up and I keep doing it, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. She has me running around in circles again. It’s why I kept my distance all these years. I let her go, hoping that we could move on, but seeing her again . . . I can’t stop myself. She’s the first and only girl I’ve ever loved, TJ.” My voice cracks when I tell him this. I could see the pity on his face; that’s something I don’t need. I am desperate for her to be back in my life.
“Well, you better get on your hands and knees because you know you’re going to have to crawl back and grovel. She’s not going to give you a shot that easily, man. She’s scared you’ll break her heart again.” I nod, knowing that I have to crawl on my hands and knees through shards of glass to get her back. I would do anything for her. You name it, I’ll do it.
“You never told me how bad it got after we broke up,” I say to him.
“And I never talked shit about you to her either, or anyone.” He points the bottle top at me. “I have always been on your side, Nick. I’m not going to lie to you man, when that all happened, it was difficult to pick a side. I never told you this but the sound of her crying haunts me to this day. Every night, it was the same misery.” He stares at me in a daze, remembering all the nights he’s talking about. “When she would see me, I could see her close up on me just because you and I are so close and are like brothers. She tried to hide it, but she always kept me at a distance, even Haley.” He shakes his head dejectedly. “She was crazy about you, and you shattered her into pieces. She would spend days in her room and we would all wonder if she was in there or not. Each night I stayed over, I could hear her wailing in the next room like a banshee, asking herself why she was never good enough for anyone. I actually heard her saying that. And I’ve always had your back, Nick—always—but you did her wrong. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have chosen football over her, that was your choice and I wasn’t in the room when your dad kicked off, but you were stupid to think that there wasn’t an alternative,” he brutally tells me.
Usually, TJ is not this honest. His words hurt, but I know he’s doing this to help me realize the gravity of the mistake and why she’s so hellbent on removing herself from any situation that involves me. I already know how much I messed up. I’ve stayed away from her, thinking that was what she wanted. I thought she would never want to see me again. But now that I’m here in LA, we can’t escape each other.
“I panicked. I thought my dad was going to speak to her and he would have made it a lot worse. I panicked and ended it myself,” I defend myself, but I know my words are hollow. “I didn’t know what else to do. I was so scared that my dad would get to her before I did and ruin her, discredit her and her family when it wasn’t her fault. I knew I could’ve had both, TJ, but at the time, I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I regret my decision. I have been miserable for the past five years without her.” I could feel myself starting to breakdown. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” My everything is with another man, and I can’t handle it.
“You’ve been messing around with other girls, Nick. You’ve gone back to the old Nick, your old ways. It doesn’t look good. It’s all over social media and the tabloids. She’s read it, she knows about the girls you’ve hooked up with. She’s seen it all. You haven’t helped your case with the rumors and stories going around.” He targets me on the shit that I’ve been pulling for the last five years. I needed to fill a void, but at the same time, I knew nobody could compete with her. It didn’t stop me from trying. I used girls like I had done before I met her. It was wrong, but I needed to feel something. I needed to feel something like I did with her, but I knew no other girl would be able to give me that except for her.
And yet, every time I slept with a girl, I felt nothing for them. It was like they emptied my emotions. The more I did it, the emptier I felt, but I kept telling myself that this was going to be the girl . . . and it wasn’t. All I could think about was her. I was obsessed with her and I couldn’t stop.
I just wanted to feel something, even if it was for a night.
But it never came close to how I felt when I was with her.
“I know. I regret it. The girl I slept with on the plane over here works with Carter, and she slapped me in front of her when I went to visit Carter at work.” TJ groans in frustration. “I fucked up, as usual, I know.” I roll my eyes at myself. I need to stop this. I’m tired of making my own mistakes one after another. Even when I’ve learned my lesson, I continue to make the same mistakes over and over.
In short, I’m an idiot.
“You’re an idiot.” He shakes his head in disapproval and I chuckle to myself.
At least we’re on the same page.“I know. I just keep fucking up.” I sigh at my own idiotic ways. I landed myself in this one, and I continue to do so.
“Well, you need to get yourself together if you want to get her back. No more of this sleeping around anymore—fuck, I sound like your mom.” He sips on his Gatorade and wears a disgusted look on his face to make me laugh even more at him. Placing both feet on the floor, he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “Okay, so you need to prove to her that she’s the one. Sheisthe one, right?” he asks.
I give him a deadpan stare and squeeze the Gatorade in his face, making him wince.
“Asshole,” he mumbles while wiping his face. “You need to stop fucking around, man, it’s as simple as that. You have the respect for her, so back it up. Have the respect to stop fucking with other girls and make her your main priority.
“Fight for her, make her swoon, be kind to her, be there for her, and love her like nobody else can. Not some random guy she’ll meet at a bar, not another NFL player, and certainly not Ted. Love her the way only you can. Just please, for the love of God, keep your dick in your pants for a while and don’t fuck this up for yourself. No more chances will be given, Nick. You know this. Not by Rodger Steel, not by her brothers, not by Elaine Steel, and most certainly not by her. You’re in for the ride of your life, Nick, so strap yourself in.” He pats my shoulder. “Haley and I will be right behind you, and I’m pretty sure Danielle will be too.” He winks at me and pats my back for added reassurance. I know he’ll be there for me wherever this goes.
One more shot, and if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll walk away and leave her to a life of happiness with whoever it may be with. Even though it will kill me to walk away again, I want her to be happy, and if it’s not with me, then so be it; I still want that chance.
