Page 265 of The Perfect Spiral
“With Pop? Yeah, I know. He used to bring me up here too, to talk about stuff. I loved coming here with him. He always gave me the best advice,” Knox says, his gaze fixed on the horizon as the sun continues its ascent.
Pop used to bring us up here when things got too much for one of us. He’d make us sit and appreciate the landscape, let our minds wander and think about what we were taking for granted. He’d bring me here when I’d had a fight with someone, when I was on the verge of running away. He’d scoop me up, put me in the car, and whisk me away to this place, whether the sun was out, coming up, or not.
“To talk about stuff? Like what? The girls you banged? How to get the girls to like you? Or was it how to lead them on—”
“Alex, please. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I regret it. So much. All I can see is your face when you first saw it and when you were in the car driving away,” he says, rubbing his head as if trying to erase the memory.
He’s wearing the same sad expression he used to wear when he was younger. He hasn’t changed. Not really.
“Whatever. You’re all the same,” I mutter, my tone bitter. I fiddle with my shoelaces under the blanket, trying to distract myself from the uncomfortable comfort I feel with him.
I hate that my body says one thing while my mind says another. But it’s my heart that’s the most confused. My heart can’t take it anymore. But then it needs more to survive. More of him. It almost feels like it beats for him.
How did it come to this? I used to not be able to stand being in the same room as this guy and now he’s all I think about.
He’s the only person I want to hug me; to touch me; to really feel me; to kiss me passionately like all those times we were together. But instead, he chose to be with her.
I wasn’t good enough. He led me to believe that I was. But the truth is; I never was. Just like Drew.
Ignoring my snarky comments, he sighs and continues reminiscing. “I used to ask him for advice like he was my grandfather. He was always there for me, Mason, and Austin, even though we weren’t his grandkids.
Whether it was school, college, football, life... but we always ended up talking about you. He had so much love for you.I wanted to know more about you without going to you and asking. You would’ve shut me down immediately—”
“Damn right I would’ve shut you down... But I’m not that exciting anyway,” I say, pulling the blanket up to my shoulder to ward off the chill. He moves closer to me.
I watch the sunrise, listening to the trees whispering around us. The breeze brushes against my bare face. The warmth from the rising sun slowly amplifies, lighting up the sky.
“You’re the most exciting person I know, Alex, and have ever known,” he says, his tone sincere. I don’t turn to face him, but I feel his hand rest on my leg under the blanket.
The touch of his skin on mine sends a shock wave rippling through my body.
“Why did you bring me here, Knox?” I ask, cutting him off. I don’t believe his words. I turn to face him, trying to read his expression in those clear blue eyes.
He gives me a soft smile and turns his gaze back to the morning sky. I watch him closely, studying his features. He’s so handsome. He knows it, everyone knows it. His jaw flexes every time he swallows hard. His blue eyes are illuminated by the sun’s rays, turning them a crystal blue.
“I wanted to talk with you. Alone. I didn’t get to do that at the wedding. With everyone constantly around. Especially Adam. He had your attention the entire night. He knows how to play the game...” He bites his cheek to stop a smile from forming, trying to lighten the mood. “You’re the only person who calms my nerves down. No matter who you talk to, Alex, you always have a kind heart.”
“A kind heart only allows people to walk all over it,” I mumble, picking at my nails. I pull the sleeves of my top down to stop the chill from creeping up them. I tuck my hands under my armpits for extra warmth.
“Why are you nervous?” I ask, looking down at my lap draped in the blanket. I want to know what has the great Knox Carter acting all nervous this early in the morning.
Why does he want to talk about it with me? I’m not going to offer him life advice or girl advice for that matter. I’m not Dr. Phil.
“I have an ESPN interview tomorrow, and I’m fucking terrified because it’s live. I need you to talk me through what went through your head when you did the Science conference,” he says, taking off his hat to fix his hair before putting it back on.
“Really? That’s why you dragged me out of bed at four twenty-two in the morning? To stroke your ego? You don’t need me for that. Get Lauren to do it! Hell, get laid while you’re at it! Take me home, Carter—”
I attempt to stand, but he holds me down, refusing to let me go.
“Alex, I just want to talk. I miss our conversations. I’m nervous about tomorrow—” His plea is almost childlike.
“Stop using me, Knox. Physically and emotionally. It’s not fair to me! Do you have any idea how hard it was to hear you and Lauren together across the hall?
Do you know how hard it was to see you two in the same room? I had so many nightmares, I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t!”
I press my hand to my forehead, trying to steady my rapid breaths. It’s difficult when you’re already riled up, with imagesracing through your mind.
He takes my hand, and I try to pull it away. When I attempt to use my other hand, he takes that one too. I fall back against the side of the car, his hands holding me in place.
