Page 43 of All I Want Is Love
“I… I just had a feeling back then,” he mutters. “You stopped taking my calls, you stopped answering altogether. I heard nothing from you, and the two old friends I still had there weren’t able to reach out to you either. That’s when I decided, fuck it! Robin took over the shop, and I booked a flight for the same day,” he explains.
“I didn’t know that,” I admit. “Honestly, I didn’t even know how much time had passed. I was just… existing. I didn’t eat or do anything. And I think… if you hadn’t come… I…” I pause, not sure how to continue. “I am not suicidal anymore,” I tell him instead. “I like it here. I like living close to you, I like this quirky town, I like Robin, I like having Barkley, I like the mountains and the snow, and the way the air smells. I like your coffee shop and Robin’s library, and obviously, I am in love with Soren.” I pause. “It’s because of all that, I thought I was ready, you know?”
“What did you want to do?” he asks me.
“I wanted to draw a logo for you and make some interior designs. I did them by hand first, but then I thought… I could try doing it on my tablet again. It’s faster and a more professional approach.” I pause. “I thought I was ready,” I repeat.
“Leo,” he says sadly.
“I kind of slipped into a panic attack,” I admit. “And didn’t find a way out of it again.”
“Then you called Soren,” Aspen says.
“I did? Right… I dialed a number.”
“Soren didn’t have much signal, but coincidentally was at a place on the farm where he could take your call. You didn’t say anything. He called me immediately afterwards, completely panicked, and I came running here. And before you ask, yes, I informed him that you are alright, and I also stopped him from coming here immediately.” He pauses. “Not sure if I was successful with the latter, though.”
“Fuck,” I groan. “I didn’t want to bother anyone.”
“You didn’t,” Aspen exclaims. “Fuck, Leo, I am so proud of you that you reached out to someone when you realized you needed help. That’s such a huge progress from before. You have people here who care for you. You have me and Soren, and Mrs. Bell, and Robin, and I am sure the longer you stay, the more people will be added to the list.”
“I just wanted to design something,” I say quietly. “Nothing more. I was so happy after our night out, I thought, maybe…”
“You will be ready eventually,” Aspen says. “You have made a shit ton of progress in a couple of weeks already. When I picked you up from that shithole back then, you were just a shadow of yourself, but you are so much better now.”
“I am,” I say, a little surprised, myself, at the revelation, because it feels true. “I am, aren’t I?”
“You are,” he reassures me. “And I am sure you will be able to use your tablet and notebook again. Just give it a little more time. The fact that you wanted to give it a try at all is already a huge improvement, don’t you think so?”
“Maybe, but it doesn’t feel like it.”
“Leo, you know that nothing that happened was your fault, don’t you?” Aspen pushes. “Rationally, you know it. You know you were falsely accused and that person used you as a scapegoat. You did nothing wrong. Even if you aren’t quite there yet emotionally, can you at least rationally agree?”
I feel the usual twinge in my chest, my stomach convulsing. Taking a few steady breaths, I allow Aspen’s words to sink in. “I do know it, but I can’t feel it quite yet.”
He looks relieved. “I think that as long as you know it logically, your emotions will follow too.”
“It just takes time, huh?” I mutter. “I wish it would work faster.”
Aspen is quiet for a while. “You wanted to design something for me?”
“Yes. But I only managed to draw some things by hand.”
“Do you want to show me?”
I perk up. “Wait, you are interested in seeing it?”
“That’s what we wanted to meet for today, right?” he asks.
“I thought you were just indulging me.”
Aspen groans. “Leo, I never had the shop as well decorated as this year. If you have more ideas, I genuinely want to see them. As your big bro, of course I indulge you, but as a businessman, I want to push my business too.”
“Do you want to see it now?” I ask.
“Are you up for it?”
“Yes!”
