Page 55 of All I Want Is Love
Leo smiles, leaning his forehead against the top of my head. The fire behind us crackles slightly, and one of the logs drops down, a flash of sparks exploding around it. It’s a magical view.Then another log drops. I don’t know where or how, it was probably Barkley, but inside the hut, I hear something drop onto the ground with a loud clunk. Then a door falls shut loudly.
What a funny chain reaction.
Leo clasps his chest. It’s only then that I notice he has gone completely still. “Leo?!”
He is panting, close to hyperventilating. “Okay, Leo.” I grab the blanket, making sure to wrap it around him. I am not sure what triggered him, and if skin contact is making it better or worse. The safer choice is clearly the blanket. “Barkley! Come here.”
I rub Leo’s arms. “Take deep breaths, Leo. I am here with you; you are safe. It’s me, Soren. It’s only us.”
Barkley comes trotting outside, his huge head pushing the door open. It must have been the one that closed earlier. Then he comes closer, resting his snout against Leo’s leg.
I grab Leo’s face. “Can you hear me, Leo?”
He lets out a couple of fast breaths, but nods.
I move one of his arms towards Barkley. The latter always has a grounding, calming effect on Leo. Intuitively, the huge pup responds and snuggles against his favorite human.
I put Leo’s free hand on my chest. “Breathe in with me,” I command. “In…” I make sure to suck in the air loudly so that he can follow. “And out.”
Leo’s eyes seem to zoom in and out. Before he can turn his head away, I grab his chin, forcing him to keep his attention on me. “Stay with me, Leo, please. In and out.”
The minutes drip by in which I am just breathing with him, trying to lead him through the exercise with a steady and calm voice, while inside I am terrified.
“Soren…”
“Oh, thank God, you are with me again!”
“I am so sorry,” Leo breathes out, his whole body shaking. “I… I didn’t know… I had no idea…” A violent shiver goes through his body. “I… I… it’s…” He sounds frustrated. “I can’t even say a straight sentence. I am such a lost cause.”
I wrap him in my arms, cradling him gently. “You are not,” I say softly. “And for the record, you just said a straight sentence.” I wrap the blanket tighter around him to keep him warm. I am worried I went too far by hugging him, still not sure what exactly sent him into a panic attack, but to my relief, Leo just snuggles into my embrace.
“The noise suddenly triggered me,” he mutters. “I didn’t expect it.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I ask. “If possible, I would like to understand what triggers you, so I can make sure to avoid it.”
“It was nothing you did,” he says quietly. “I know I am gay. I always have been. I have explored my sexuality. You know that. We have done things together, and you know I am not shy. I am not embarrassed to be with you.”
“I know that,” I reassure him.
“This isn’t new. It was just a combination of things.” He pauses. “But yes, I… I do want to tell you.” He swallows thickly before reaching out for his cup of tea.
“It’s cold,” I say. “How about I make us fresh tea? Would you like that?”
He nods tentatively. “Yes, please.”
I make sure to hurry and not let him wait for too long. I want to hear what he has to say, I want to give him the chance to voice his fears, but I also want him to be comfortable while doing so.” It only takes me a couple of minutes to grab everything before I hurry outside again. Leo still sits at the same spot, snuggled into the blanket with Barkley now resting at his feet. He looks much calmer now.
He gazes at me, a smile curling his lips. “You brought marshmallows?”
“I didn’t want our fire to go to waste,” I chuckle.
“I have never had roasted marshmallows before,” he admits, happily accepting a stick with two marshmallows on it and his steaming hot cup of tea.
For a moment, we just sit next to each other in silence, holding our marshmallows into the fire, before Leo clears his throat. “There is not much to tell,” he mutters, looking at me through begging eyes. I don’t know what it is he wants me to do, but I reach out my hand, brushing over his cheek with my knuckles.
“Who hurt such a sweet person?”
“I am not sure I am sweet,” he says, venom in his voice. “I am not kind.”
