Page 64 of Her Big Bad Wolf
“I hear ya, but I’m scared. The best thing for me to do is just keep her at arms’ length. Normally that would be easy, but she’s my one true mate, Gert. How am I supposed to just walk away from that?”
Baa!
“I know. I tried to push her away. She’s a stubborn one, especially over those kids.”
Baa!
“They aren’t that bad. You’ll get to meet them this evening. They’re going to have farm chores. I was originally thinking in the morning, but they have to be up and out of here before the sun rises.”
She gave me an incorrigible look.
I snorted. “I knew you wouldn’t be happy about that, so I decided evening chores would be best. Don’t worry girl. I had your needs in mind too. But really, they aren’t bad boys.Probably remind me way too much of myself. But don’t tell them, okay?”
I petted her.
“They’re bringing up a lot of memories I didn’t think I wanted. Not all of them have been bad though. Sure, I’d had my shit times. But there was good too. The Wyman’s were very good to me. They took me in as if I were one of their own.”
For once, I allowed myself to remember.
“You would have loved Freddy. He wasn’t just my brother; he was my best friend. I blamed myself when he died. I knew he was being bullied. Mike and Ted bullied everyone. They were assholes. We all knew it. They mostly didn’t mess with me, and they wouldn’t touch Freddy when I was around, but I hadn’t been around. I’d been busy and distracted by some pretty face at the time. I can’t even remember her name. She wasn’t worth it. Very little in this world was worth losing him.”
My mind flickered to Vanessa. Yeah, she might be worth it, though I wasn’t quite ready to admit that to Gertrude yet.
“If I’d been there to protect him, or even just been there for him, maybe he wouldn’t have done it.”
I pressed my eyes closed, wanting to block out the bad memories.
His mother had found him, but I’d heard the scream; I’d rushed to her side; and I had seen it all.
“They said he committed suicide, but I never believed it. He was bullied a lot but he was happy with his life. I would have known if he hadn’t been. There were bruises and other things that didn’t add up to a suicide. Something more had happened but no one would believe me. More than anything I just wish I could ask him what happened. If it was a suicide, why? He had some much going for him. It just didn’t make sense, still doesn’t. Why would he do that? Why would he let them get to him like that? He had so much to live for. How could he dothat to his parents? How could he do it to me? I was so angry and alone. And I was filled with guilt for not being there in his moment of need. I’ve never really voiced that out loud before. I am angry at Freddy, but I was also angry at his parents because they just accepted it was a suicide. It couldn’t have been. He was murdered. No one will ever convince me otherwise. It feels good to say that out loud. Thanks for being a good listener, Gertrude.”
I petted her as I remembered the crippling hurt, the fear, the loneliness. With Freddy gone, what did I have?
We were just a few days away from graduation. I’d ditched out on all of it. I had withdrawn from everyone. I knew his mom and dad were worried about me, and I hated that. It just made me feel even more guilty. So I’d done what I had to do—I left.
In many ways, I’d died too.
It had always seemed right to me. Why should I get to live when he couldn’t? But as I allowed myself to remember I couldn’t help but realize that if everyone had been right and he had taken his own life, then he chose that. He made the decision to end his life without care or thought of anyone else. That had been on him and while I’d traveled this loop of anger and depression many times over, ultimately, it wasn’t my fault, it was his. Unless I was right and it had been murder. And that’s where the loop continued because I would never know for sure. Did I accept that it was his choice? Or did I believe he was the victim? Each scenario left me feeling guilty.
What I’d done in the aftermath of it had been on me though. How was I any better than him? I knew his parents loved me as their own, yet I’d left them too. . . physically and emotionally. I’d turned my back on everyone I cared about. Jack and June had been like parents to me, and while my sister hadn’t lived with us at that time, I knew she still cared and worried. Hell, she still did.
I may not have died, but I might as well have. Maybe my choices had been even worse in some ways. Once Freddy was gone, there was no turning back. Nothing he or anyone else did would bring him back.
But me? I made the choice to disappear and stay away every single day.
I knew from Pack finances that they were still alive. I’d refused to check in on them beyond that, and I highly doubted they would ever want to see me again. That too had been on me.
And that was also why I understood where Noah was coming from. The little two were just following their big brother, but he was making the wrong decisions by running away. It didn’t make things better, it just made them lonelier.
Sure, after years of being alone it wasn’t easy having three young boys invading my space, but I was managing. They mostly kept to themselves. I just fed and watered them, not much different than any of the other animals on my farm.
But we all knew I was only doing it for Vanessa. Even if everything in my head told me to push her away or run far in the opposite direction, my heart screamed to pull her closer to me.
This ebb and flow of emotions was exhausting.
If only she’d heeded my warning the first time and stayed the hell away.
As if just thinking of her somehow manifested her, I heard the car pull up and then stop in the driveway.
