Page 24 of Bedding the Marquess
How could she have forgotten about how caring he was?Thatmade her tingle from head to toe regardless of whether their skin touched or not.
Gideon landed face-firstinto his pillow and groaned long and loud, doing his best to release every bit of his pent-up frustrations as he did so…but it was a lesson in futility.
Following their walk around the grounds, he and Caro had enjoyed a light supper before continuing their regular ritual of retiring to her bedchamber for games. That night, they’d played several rounds of cribbage. Gideon had not won a single game. It hadn’t been for lack of trying, of course; Caro was famously good at the game of cards and pegs.
“Lucky ducky,” he’d grumbled and leaned back his chair.
“This is also a game of skill,” Caro had replied haughtily. Her delicate fingers shuffled the cards with an elegant combination of speed and dexterity. “You are not playing at your usual level. You are making it too easy.” She feigned an exaggerated pout, and it was all he could do not to pounce on her and take her plump lower lip between his teeth. She wasn’t making things easier.
If anything, she increased his suffering daily because she had no idea what she was doing. Blackwood had once described Caro as “an innocent flirt,” and Gideon had agreed it was an apt description. It came to her naturally, yet she knew not quite the strength of what she wielded. If she put even the smallest bit of effort, she could have any man she desired as clay in her hands—hell, he was already as malleable as possible as far as she was concerned. She could ask him to dance a reel on his hands while wearing nothing but a loincloth of nettles, and he’d give the request some serious consideration.
Wait for Caro to come to youwas repeating in his mind almost constantly at that point.
His entire past was riddled with rash decisions and poor examples of proper, healthy relationships. Caro had her own wounds, besides, and the last thing he wished to do was reopen them or make them worse. He didn’t wish to impose his hopes and desires upon her.
It was no secret that his childhood had been far from loving. While being sent away to school had been a relief, it had also served to underscore just how much he’d lacked. Watching the other boys receive letters and packages from adoring parents and family made him long for a companionship he hadn’t even known existed. Eventually, he’d discovered a closeness with a few classmates—Kempton and Brinley, followed closely by Blackwood and Trenholm, who were a couple of years behind them—and this helped to fill in some of what was missing; however, their friendship did not heal all of his wounds.
Gideon had been used as a pawn by his parents for many years, and in doing so, they’d taught him to allow someone into your life meant relinquishing a certain amount of power in the dynamic. To a lad who’d only ever known vitriol and despair, this was terrifying. The love of his friends helped provide a counterbalance to the disquiet at home, but would anyone be able to heal him if things between him and his wife turned sour?
This left him anxious and wary, desperately desiring closeness and intimacy with her, but afraid of what it might do to their dynamic. Their friendship. These were all fears that had kept him from pursuing her in the first place. Without the buffer of space and separate households, she was quickly filling in every gap in his life, every crack in his soul. Even without sex, she was becoming so much more to him.
How could she not, when she brought him so much joy each day? When she looked like she did that evening, with her liquid sunset hair plaited and tied with an ivory ribbon, the sway of herfull breasts beneath her nightrail and the shadows of her dark nipples teasing him with her every movement?
A man could lose himself—could lose control—but he was not that man, and he respected Caro far too much to take the decision of their intimacy out of her hands.
She wanted you once, he reminded himself;she will again.
Well, she would…if she forgave him after their marriage experienced its first argument that evening.
Caro had dropped her carved peg during theshowportion of their cribbage gameplay. Of course, he’d laid aside his cards to help her search for the piece. It was lost in the pile of the rug, but it was located after several minutes of looking. Caro rose back to her seat and stared blankly at the cards and board, completely frozen.
“Caro?” he’d finally asked in a soft tone.
“I—I can’t remember where we were.” She still did not blink, as if focusing all her energy on the game between them might somehow help her remember. Then, a tear spilled from beneath her long, sable lashes, leaving a trail of dampness on the curve of her cheek.
“Caro…” he said in as placating a tone as he could manage. “It’s all right. We can start the hand over again. I cannot recall either—”
“That is not the point!” she cried and stabbed her peg into a random hole. “I never lose my place in a game of cribbage.” Her tears were falling in earnest now, carving trails through her constellations of freckles and dotting the virginal lace trim of her nightshift.
“Perhaps you are simply fatigued,” he’d suggested, not quite sure how to proceed, but trying his best to be helpful. “Women in your condition can sometimes become overwrought quite easily—especially if they are overtired.”
One snap of the green fire in her glistening eyes told Gideon that had been precisely the wrong thing to say.
“My condition?” She sat up straighter and narrowed her gaze at him. He had the sudden impression of being a hare in a hunter’s sight. “With whom have you been discussingmy condition?”
Gideon winced, gradually realizing the gravity of his mistake. If his wife could have killed him with her eyes, then he’d have been dead twice over already. “Mrs. Kant, the housekeeper, has been managing this estate since my father was a lad. I’ve known her my entire life. She also happens to have six sisters and three sisters-by-marriage, each of which birthed no less than three children of their own. She’s quite well-versed in all things to do with children and pregnancy since she is proud of the fact that she was present for every single birth.” He reached for her hand. “After your illness began and I scrambled to locate ginger for you, I only wished to understand what you are going through. I never told her you were expecting—”
“You didn’t need to.” Caroline snatched her hand back. “She is an intelligent woman. I am sure she has heard by now from the staff that I’ve not experienced my courses since we arrived. Having you make such inquiries likely only confirmed any suspicions she might have formed. We agreed to keep the pregnancy a secret for now; little did I know, you were making inquiries of the staff. News such as this spreads, Gideon.”
“Is that such a bad thing to confide in someone? You and I have so little family…so few to rely upon and ask these questions. Wouldn’t it be a comfort to have someone on our side?” Caroline’s tears had begun to flow in earnest, causing fresh fissures to open in his heart. This was rapidly growing out of hand. He was doing his best to remain a calm counterpart to her inexplicable emotional state, but he was unsure how much longer he’d be able to manage it. “Darling Caro,” he murmured.
“The very last thing I need right now is a reminder of just how alone I am.”
“But you are not alone. You have me.” And Gideon was struck by the truth of it, as well as its reverse. She had him, but he also had her. For better or worse.
He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and hold her, kiss away her tears, but she leaned away from his touch. “Don’t,” she said, quiet yet firm. Her unsteady breath and the wetness of her cheeks made him feel as lost as when he’d been a child trapped in a house where nothing was in his control. “Please leave. I wish to retire.”
“Do not send me away.”
