Page 58 of Chocolate Cake for Breakfast
I hesitate because it’s about Mum. But I need to know. ‘Doyou think... I mean, is it possible that Mum was sufferingfrom postnatal depression and that’s why she left us?’
‘Do you know, it’s only recently that it occurredto me that maybe she was. I didn’t know anything about it at the time and itwas just last month that I watched a documentary on TV about it. And that’swhen I made the connection.’ He sighs. ‘I’ve felt guilty all these years,thinking it was my fault she left... that I could have donemore to help her... that I should have asked more questionsand encouraged her to talk about how she was feeling.’
‘You blamed yourself?’ I stare at him, aghast. ‘But I neverknew that. I’ve always thought it wasmyfault we lost her.’
‘Yourfault?’ He frowns. ‘Martha, love, how could itpossibly have been your fault? You were just a tiny baby when your mum left.’
‘I know. But... what if she couldn’t copewith me? Maybe I drove her to leave by being more demanding than normalbabies?’ I shrug helplessly. ‘I don’t know. But I’ve always felt guilty, Iguess like you did. Even though deep down, I probably knew it wasn’t logical.’
‘Oh, Martha.’ He leaves his chair and comes to sit beside meon the sofa, taking hold of my hand and squeezing it. ‘I wish I’d known this.I’d have put you straight in an instant. You have nothing whatsoever to feelguilty about.’
I smile sadly at him. ‘And neither do you.’
Dad leans back, resting his head against the sofa andstaring up at the ceiling. ‘I think you’re right about the postnataldepression. I’d no idea at the time that it existed. I doubt your mum did,either. I just knew she was unhappy but there seemed to be nothing I could doto make things better for her. In retrospect, I should have made sure she saw adoctor. She always refused to go, but I should have insisted. And that’ssomething I’ll always reproach myself for.’
‘Communication,’ I say softly. ‘Instead of stepping aroundtricky subjects, it’s always better to talk about it. That’s what I’vediscovered lately, anyway.’
He nods. ‘Easier said than done sometimes, of course. But talkingis the way.’
‘We should do more of it from now on,’ I murmur. ‘No hidingthings from me because you think I’ll worry, okay? I want to know.’
‘All right.’ He smiles. ‘And the same goes for you. I’drather know what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours than not. Even ifitissomething I’m sure to worry about.’
I snuggle into him, resting my head happily on his shoulder.‘Okay, Dad. It’s a deal.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
The relief I feel that Dad will be okay is enormousand over the following week or so, I walk around feeling two stone lighter. Ahuge weight has rolled off my shoulders.
The auditing over, Dad’s taken some holiday from work and Imanaged to do the same. And it’s lovely being able to spend more time together.We’ve talked more about Mum over the past week than we ever have.
My migraines, too, seem to be improving. Since the badattack following Lila reading my story out to everyone, I’ve been feeling okayand going out most days, even if only to the local shops. And I’ve been much lessfocused on making sure I eat to a strict schedule.
What Logan said about going overboard, cutting out so manyfoods, stuck in my head. Perhaps it was time to stop living my life in fear,and start taking chances with food, life and love.
Today, taking a drive into Sunnybrook to meet Madison for acoffee at the Little Duck Pond Café, I caught a glimpse of Primrose walkingacross the village green with Sam and baby George in the pram. They looked tobe heading over to the bench by the duck pond and a warm feeling crept throughme when I saw them look at each other and laugh. They stopped then and Primrosegrabbed Sam and kissed him firmly on the mouth. After a lingering cuddle, theywalked on, and Sam, suddenly catching sight of me looking over, held up histhumb behind Primrose’s back and I laughed in delight.
‘What was that all about?’ asked Madison, as we stepped intothe cafe.
‘Oh, nothing.’ I shrugged. ‘Well, everything, actually. Butespecially the power of talking.’
Maddy snorted. ‘Ruddy mysterious.’
I smiled. I’d never told anyone about Primrose leaving herbaby behind and I was never going to. Hopefully, that little family was back ontrack now, getting the help they needed.
Life was slowly getting back to normal for me, too, althoughI’d finally accepted that I’d missed the boat with Logan. I looked for him atwork but he was never there. Our only communication had been a few brief emailswhen I sent him the latest instalments of my story for him to put up on thehotel website. I always debated about whether to put a kiss at the end. But Ialways decided not to.
Since getting to know each other, we’d been on arollercoaster of highs and lows – at least, that’s how I saw it – and maybe itwas time to accept that things were too complicated to ever reach a happyconclusion.
Who knew what would have happened between us, if Maddy and Ihadn’t bumped into Lila that fateful night and I’d ended up in hospital? We’dhave met at the top of the Barnham Books clock tower, that’s for sure. But whatthen? I guess I’ll never know...
I’m pondering this sadly as I drive home from having coffeewith Maddy.
I’d had a big crush on Logan Mackay. I still did, if I washonest. But it was time to move on.
Walking in the door, Dad greets me, waving a copy of thelocal newspaper. ‘Look at this, Martha! You’re famous.’
‘What?’ I grab the paper and read the piece he shows me.
