Page 49 of A Kiss under the Stars
‘What do you mean?’ Her voice is almost a whisper.
‘Well, Dylan became an alcoholic just like Dad. And now he’sabandoned me. Just like you did.’
I give a bitter snort. ‘You couldn’t make it up. You reallycouldn’t. Talk about following in the family footsteps!’
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
It’s the morning of Liam’s radio feature on missingpeople, and I’m feeling nervous, which is actually a bit of an understatement.But at least it’s taking my mind off my meeting with Mum – for a while, atleast.
What if I get tongue-tied and say garbled things that don’tmake sense?
I’m convinced I’m about to make the biggest fool of myselfsince the time I went on a family strawberry-picking jaunt at a local farm, agedabout nine, and I was sure I was going to be locked up in jail.
Dad obviously knew that Dylan and I had been stuffing ourfaces with fruit all the way round, when he and Mum weren’t looking. So on theway out, he casually mentioned that they weighed the cars at the gate on theway in and then on the way out, so they could tell who’d been eating thestrawberries when they weren’t supposed to. I was clearly rather gullible backthen because I had a major panic and ‘confessed’ to my parents, and I asked Dadif he thought Dylan and I were going to be carted off to the police station forquestioning. Even now, I can remember my red-faced embarrassment when Dad saidhe was only joking and Dylan was sitting there in the back seat beside me,laughing his head off.
The memory makes me smile. I hated Dylan that day forlaughing at me – but how I wish he was here now to tell me I’m going to befine.
As it turns out, Dorothy is just as nervous as I am, butLiam reassures us – when Nat brings us into the studio, having collected us fromreception – that it’s entirely natural to be worried but that everything willbe okay. He sounds so laid-back and relaxed about me potentially ruining hisshow by clamming up that I almost believe him. Almost.
He reminds us that we’ll be recording the segment, whichwill be broadcast later on in the show, so if we dry up or say the wrong thing,we’ll be able to go again. This makes me feel a little bit better, but I stillfeel nervous.
It doesn’t help that I haven’t slept very well the past twonights – ever since I left Mum sitting in the wildlife hide and ran for thecar.
It was when I made the link in my head about historyrepeating itself: Dylan becoming an alcoholic like Dad; Dylan abandoning me,just like Mum did. I think I got to the point where I was finding the wholesituation so overwhelming, I just had to leave. And quickly. I just stood upand said, ‘I’m sorry but this is all too much. I’ll... phoneyou.’ And I ran off.
I regretted it later because there were questions I hadn’task her that I really wanted answers to. But there was always another time. Iknew that any time I phoned, she would be eager to talk, which made me feelbetter... as if it wasmein control of the situationfor the first time since she walked out on us...
Liam is running us through the order of play, so I quicklysnap to and pay attention.
And then it’s happening – Liam is introducing the segment bygiving the horrifying statistics about how many people go missing in the UKevery year, then he introduces Charles Baker, the man from the charity, whospeaks in a very articulate fashion about the work they do, attempting to reconnectpeople with their loved ones, and providing emotional and practical support forthe ones left behind. It makes me feel quite emotional. I’ve never reallyconsidered Dylan a ‘missing person’, even though his leaving has left a bighole in my life. He said he was going travelling, so he had a purpose when heleft. Does that mean he’s not technically ‘missing’?
Tears spring to my eyes as I listen to the stories CharlesBaker is relating, about their successes in reuniting people and, of course,the many cases that are sadly still ongoing.
And then Liam is talking about a case with a happy endingand introducing Dorothy. She talks about her growing feelings of despair whenher Auntie Josie went missing after her bereavement, and then Liam introducesme as the person who helped bring the nightmare to a happy conclusion.
‘Lottie, it was talking to you that gave Dorothy an idea ofwhere her aunt might be. How did you feel when you realised Josie had beenfound?’
‘Oh, well, I was over the moon to think I’d helped becauseDorothy was in bits not knowing where her aunt had gone. It was an especiallyanxious time because Josie had just lost her beloved pet. Max meant the worldto her and something like that can have a devastating effect on a person andmight even be a trigger for mental health issues. So yes, I was very happy tohave helped in the search for Josie, because the waiting by the phone and thewondering can be devastating for the person left behind.’
Charles Baker nods in agreement. ‘It can be trulyexcruciating, waiting for the news that never comes.’
I swallow. ‘Yes, it can. It colours everything you do. Youthink about them all the time, wondering where they are. It’s an exhaustingrollercoaster, really. Every time the phone rings, you think it might be them.Your hope rises when special dates in the calendar are approaching, likebirthdays or Christmas... or any anniversary that meanssomething to both of you. You convince yourself they’ll be back for yourbirthday. Of course they will be. They wouldn’t forget you on your special day,wherever they are. At the very least, you’ll receive a birthday card and thenyou’ll know they’re still alive... you’ll know they’re okay.So you build yourself up but then it doesn’t happen and you come crashing tothe ground, feeling more desperate than ever. Or you see a person in the streetwho looks like them and your heart misses a beat, and then they turn around andit’s not them, and you die a little more inside.’
I’m away in my own world, talking about a subject that is sorelevant to my life, and I suddenly realise tears are trickling down my face. Iglance at Liam and he’s looking at me with such compassion, as are Dorothy andCharles Baker. I guess it’s obvious to them all that I’ve been there and I’vegot the T-shirt...
‘Lottie, it’s clear you have first-hand experience of losingsomeone in your life like this,’ Liam says. ‘Do you have a message for anyoneout there who might – for whatever reason – have left their life, their family,the people they love behind and are now worried about returning because theyfeel bad or guilty or ashamed? Or all three?’
I nod eagerly. ‘I’d say go back. Because the people who loveyou are desperate to hear from you. They’re missing you horribly, and they wantto see your face and know that you’re okay. There won’t be any judgement.They’ll just be overjoyed to have you back.’ I shrug. ‘That’s whatIthink,anyway.’
I’m a mess now. My nose is running and I haven’t got a hankyand I’m trying not to sniff revoltingly and spoil the interview. Liam reachesinto a drawer and pulls out a box, whipping out a tissue and handing it to me,all the while thanking us for being here today and discussing such an emotionalsubject.
He winds up the segment and we all sit back, relieved, andDorothy turns to me and murmurs, ‘You never told me what happened to you,Lottie.’
I attempt a smile. ‘It’s still happening, but he’ll be backone day. My big brother. I’m sure he will.’
As she’s leaving, Dorothy gives me a big hug and murmurs,‘If you need to talk, I’m here, okay?’ And before he goes, Charles takes me toone side and asks me about Dylan. He gives me a leaflet and says that if ever Ineed any help – practical or emotional – I just have to call the charity. I cansee in his eyes that he cares deeply and I start to cry again. Liam, seeing mein distress, comes over and asks me if I need a glass of water or a tea orcoffee?
I nod. ‘Tea would be lovely, thank you.’
