Page 54 of A Kiss under the Stars
‘For the best?’ I shake my head wearily. ‘How the hell couldyoupossiblyimagine it was for the best?’
‘Because I’d brought so much misery to your life.’ Heshrugs. ‘You were always the strong one, Lottie, and I relied on you far toomuch, especially after Dad died and Mum left us. So many times over the years,I wished I could just take my useless carcass away somewhere and leave you toget on with your life. You’re special, Lottie, and I could always see the shiningpotential in you. Of all of us, you were the strongest and the kindest and themost capable of going on to achieve great things. But you couldn’t achieve yourfull potential while I was there, draining you of your time and your energy asyou helped me get sober time and time again. I failed you. I honestly felt likea leech, sucking the blood from you, and most of the time, I felt like theworst brother ever. And you deserved better than that, Lottie. So much better.’
‘I never complained, did I?’
He shakes his head wearily. ‘No, you never complained. Butyou should have.’
‘But I wanted to help you. That’s what you do for family.You support them and care for them, no matter what. You don’t just abandon themwhen the going gets tough.’
‘I know that. But I really thought you’d be better offwithout me. So I left.’
‘You said you were going travelling but you didn’t, didyou?’
‘No. I wanted you to think I’d gone abroad so that you’dthink it was useless trying to find me. I wanted you to forget about me andthrive.’
I laugh bitterly. ‘Thrive? All you did was make thingsworse.’
He nods. ‘I realise that now. I... heardyou on the radio the other day, talking about missing people and it broke me,hearing you speaking from the heart like that. I thought you’d be getting onwith your life, excelling at the kind of job you’d always dreamed of andputting the past behind you. But when I heard you on the radio, I knew I’dmisjudged things so badly. But I was still terrified of getting in touch againin case you hated me for what I’d done.’
I swallow hard. ‘So if we hadn’t met here by accident, you’dstill have stayed away?’
He shakes his head. ‘Things changed. And I realised how muchyou really did want me to come back, despite what I’d done.’
‘What changed?’
He smiles sheepishly. ‘Liam and Natalie came to see me.’
‘What?’ I stare at him, astonished.
He shrugs. ‘I’d called the radio station after I heard youspeaking, and I spoke to Liam and told him who I was, and he was keen I shouldget in touch with you. He told me you were staying at Sycamore House while itwas being refurbished.’
‘But you didn’t get in touch straight away?’ I frown, tryingto understand.
‘No. You know me. I’ve never been the most confident blokein the world, and despite what Liam told me in that phone call, I was stillcertain, deep down, that you’d despise me if I tried to come back into yourlife. But then the two of them came all the way down to Chichester and trackedme down – and I thought that if Liam had gone to such lengths to find me, thengetting back in touch with you had to be the right thing to do. He spoke sopassionately about how devastated you were at not having me in your life anylonger. He and Natalie both said they thought you’d welcome me back with openarms.’
‘Well, I’m not sure about that,’ I mutter, my head spinningcrazily as I try to process what Liam and Nat did for me...what they did for Dylan and me.
‘Fair enough,’ Dylan says, and we exchange a feeble smile.
I sigh. ‘He was right about me being devastated by yourabsence, though.’
Dylan nods. ‘It wasn’t great for me, either. I hated notbeing able to speak to you or know how you were doing.’
‘Did you go straight to Sycamore House when you left?’
He shakes his head. ‘I knew you’d go to the house to check,so I left it a week or so. But it was always my intention to stay there. I justwanted to be there on my own, to try and get myself sorted out, once and forall. How did you know I went there? I tried so hard to make it seem like theplace was unoccupied. I mean, it obviously helped that Sycamore House is in themiddle of nowhere and not many people drive along that lane past the entrance.But I deliberately didn’t touch the garden...’
‘Apart from planting some vegetables.’
He nods. ‘Apart from that, I left it wild so that peoplewould assume there was no one living there.’
‘The reason I knew you’d been there was because I found yourdiary with all the AA meetings circled up till March of this year. That’s whenthe house went on the market, so I assume you got wind of that and left beforeI could find you?’
He nods. ‘A “For Sale” board went up one day, so I knew wehad to leave. I thought we’d taken everything with us, but I’d left that deskdiary?’
‘We?’ I stare at him, puzzled.
‘Benjy and Grace.’ He gives a sad little smile. ‘Addicts. Imet Grace at an AA meeting. She was living on the streets with her boyfriend,Benjy, who was also an alcoholic. I knew they genuinely wanted to get betterand start a new life together... have a family...but their addiction to alcohol had them in its grip and they couldn’t even getjobs because they’d been made homeless by their landlord selling up. So...I took them in at Sycamore House and helped them as much as I could. I’d spentthe past few months getting sober again myself, and I finally felt strongenough to help other people.’
