Page 18 of A Merry Little Christmas
‘Um... fine. Yes. All good,’ I said cheerily.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes!’
‘But are you telling me the absolute truth? Because I know you, Katja. I can tell when something is not quite right.’
I felt my will power leaking away... my shoulders sinking.
‘I think I might have ruined things with Caleb,’ I said at last.
‘Ruined things? But how?’
‘Well, I was really hurt after Richard... you know? And I told Caleb I thought we should take things slowly... not rush into anything too soon. And, well, he’s been quite distracted and distant with me lately, so I think he might have taken what I said on board and decided I’m not the one for him, after all.’ I sighed. ‘I might be wrong. But I just get the feeling that something has changed.’
‘Have you told him how you feel about him?’
‘Yes, of course.’ I swallowed. ‘Well, maybe I’ve been holding back my affection a little.’
‘But why? You should be honest with him, my darling.’
‘But I’m scared to show him how much I care.’ I gave a hopeless shrug, feeling suddenly quite tearful. ‘What if get rejected all over again?’
She smiled. ‘Ah, yes. Rejection. Disappointment. We’ve all been there. But you must realise that love is worth taking a risk for.’
I gave her a doubtful look.
‘So what if you get rejected? That’s just life and you move on. But the saddest thing is to have regrets. What if you never let Caleb know how much you feel for him? He does not know this because sadly, he does not have a crystal ball.’ Her eyes sparkled wickedly, and I couldn’t help smiling. ‘So he decides you do not love him enough and he leaves to search for his one great love elsewhere.’
I chuckled. ‘Well, when you put it like that, Gran...’
‘There are not too many advantages to getting older. But one is that you have lived a long life with many experiences of the human heart. And time is too short to be afraid and hold back if you are truly in love.’ There was a sadness in her eyes as she gazed at me.
‘Do you miss him still?’ I asked, thinking of my grandfather who she lost many years ago.
She smiled. Then she nodded, her eyes shining with tears. ‘Always.’
‘Oh, Gran.’ I wanted to hug her but our drinks were in the way. So I leaned in and kissed her cheek.
‘He wasn’t my first love, you know.’ She gave me an odd look and I eyed her, surprised.
‘Tell me, tell me.’
‘Well, first there was Nikolay.’
‘Nikolay?’
‘Yes.’ She sighed. ‘I thought Nikolay was the most handsome boy I’d ever seen and I decided early on that we would get married and live happily ever after.’ She smiled fondly at the memory.
‘Oh, wow. Obviously, this was before you met Grigori. My grandad.’
‘Some time before, yes. I was eight and Nikolay was nine.’
I chuckled. ‘Oh, right.’
‘We travelled on the bus to school together and I would sit behind him, and sometimes he would turn around and talk to me. He had the most wonderful curly black hair and I thought he was heavenly. Another girl liked him and she was always coming to sit beside him. She would laugh and flirt with Nikolay and he seemed to like it. She was pretty with light hair, although her laugh was enough to make all the dogs in the neighbourhood start to howl!’
I laughed. ‘She sounds awful.’
