Page 111 of Drown Like Heaven
I can’t.
I wanted to believe Dakota didn’t have a class with him, that he didn’t know her name, that he’d never interacted with her, but I had a sinking feeling that what I wanted didn’t matter here.
My hands flexed and clenched into fists, the muscles in my back tightening around my scars. Wind drifted across the grass in cool bursts, and I tried to focus on inhaling as much of it as I could, trying to tamp down my anger.
He couldn’t understand her like I did.
Fuck.
Stop.
I shouldn’t be here now; it wasn’t safe. Fractures threatened to split open in my mind, electricity I couldn’t control building in my veins. It hurt, like razor blades fighting to break free of my skin. But as long as I kept breathing, as long as I didn’t slip up and give in to my fury, I’d be okay.
I wouldn’t lose myself to the darkness constantly chasing me, always pulling me, threatening to shred me into a million pieces. Bitterness claimed my thoughts, pure fiery hatred of my aspect.
Nobody understood what it was like to live like this.
Nobody—except maybe Micah.
But he didn’t care anymore.
Neon deprivation was a drug, one I always craved.
My nature made it that way, made me want it this badly. I’d been born unstable and uncontrollable, and I’d die that way too. There wasn’t anything I could do about it.
Some angels theorized that Thrausians were never meant to be created, that they’d been born of a mistake, a shard of pure recklessness growing wings, threading itself with ichor-laced veins, taking flight like a fear-eating storm. I believed those theories, because I wasn’tnatural. Nothing on Earth was meant to be formed out of the instability I’d been formed out of.
It was why I’d needed him so badly. Micah was the embodiment of control. He was built for it. Built to handle a force like me.
But I’d taken it too far, gone beyond anything he was capable of controlling, pushed him too hard, dragged him downwithme.It wasn’t like I didn’t try to be better—I did. I justcouldn’tbe better.
I’d always be like this. Explosive, electric, violent, unstable, reckless.
Drowning everyone and everything I could get my hands on.
Pulling them down into the absolute darkness I couldn’t even navigatemyself, despite it being a part of me. Nobody could survive that.
Looking down at my phone, I could see that I’d arrived at the building Dakota was still inside. I didn’t know exactly what door she’d come out of, but I took my chances at the one that appeared to be the front door. Not wanting to be consumed by jealousy and anger when she exited, I shut my eyes, leaning back against the stone exterior wall, andbreathed.
She didn’t know him.
She was still mine.
She wouldn’t leave me.
In my mind, I let myself use her face as my anchoring point, something to focus on when the instability became too much. It felt different than letting Micah use his Sigeian powers on me, but I liked it. Maybe I couldn’t pull as hard on her as I used to pull on him, but she was always there, in my thoughts. And it was nice to haveanythingto pull on again; I’d been without him for so many years at this point, alone and clawing desperately to free myself from the chains of my own mind whenever they tried to kill me again.
The memory of his face a few minutes ago flashed bright in my head, a muscle in my jaw tightening with the sharpness of it.
I almost couldn’t believe that he was still real, that I’d just heardhisvoiceagain.
My hands shook.
I rolled my neck to either side, working out some tension.
But the pit of need and anger andobsessionin my stomach remained. Eating at me.
Think about Dakota, not him.
