Page 129 of Drown Like Heaven
I tried not to think about that.
There was a knock at the door, and my head whipped in the direction of the sound.
“Come in,” Dr. Killshaw called, adjusting a knob on the column.
Nick, his graduate student assistant, stood in the doorway with a brown paper bag. His eyes flickered to mine for a brief second, then settled on Dr. Killshaw.
“I got the bagels,” he said, crinkling the bag.Lunch?
“Thank you for doing that. Set them on the table outside,” Dr. Killshaw instructed, motioning with his free hand. Nick disappeared momentarily, dropping the bag of bagels off on a table just outside the lab, pushed against the wall. I’d noticed it before, but I hadn’t assumed there was an actual purpose for it—until now. It was for eating. No eating in the lab.
Nick reentered the room, propping his hands on his hips while he stood at the distillation column, watching. The two men started conversing about the day’s run and I felt more and more useless by the second, my lack of chemical engineering experience sticking out like a sore thumb. I couldn’t join the conversation, because I could hardly follow it. Despite this being my major, it sounded like they were talking in code.
Their familiarity with each other, and the lab, and the distillation column couldn’t have been more obvious. Nick didn’t need anything explained to him, because he already understood everything.
Why am I even here? I don’t help him in any meaningful way.
I turned on my stool, facing back to the table, and busied myself with going over the assignment I’d already finished earlier, just to look busy.
“Dakota,” Dr. Killshaw said, not one minute after I’d turned away. “Do you want to eat?”
“Um, sure.” I fidgeted, aware of Nick’s eyes on me.
“Help yourself to the bagels out there.”
Is he dismissing me? Trying to get me to leave without being rude?
My face flushed with that thought, but I tried to hide it as I walked quickly out of the room, clutching my phone and my earbuds in one hand. I opened the door, then let it swing shut behind me, plopping myself down on the single plastic chair at the table. I fumbled with the paper bag, digging out a plain bagel and strawberry cream cheese.
Earbuds in my ears, I slathered on the pink spread, using a napkin as a plate, then ate my bagel with YouTube as my only companion. While I chewed, an idea formed in my mind: I could pretend I was having some sort of personal emergency, then use that as an excuse to leave lab early. I didn’t want to be the hindrance slowing them down, the annoyance sitting in the corner, sucking all the light out of the room.
The relief that came with my decision was laced with a quiet, yet familiar, type of sadness.
After finishing my bagel, I spent a moment steeling my nerves, then opened the door, prepared to spew my lie.
“Hey,” Dr. Killshaw greeted before I got a chance to speak. “Could you prop that door open? It’s getting warm in here.” He pointed at a door-stopper on the ground, so I moved to jam the wedge under the door, my momentum and confidence lost.
“I’m going to go to the bathroom really quick,” I said, pointlessly. Nobody responded.
I spun and walked rapidly down the hall, my pulse loud in my ears. If I could get another second to regroup, to organize my thoughts…
The bathroom was empty, the automatic lights off when I walked in. I waved my arms around until they clicked on, then locked myself in a stall, hating how hard my heart was beating. Anxiety made my stomach turn.Outsider. There’s no reason for me to be here. They’re just looking for polite excuses to get me to leave.
My nails dug into my palms. I wasn’t sure I’d ever grow out of this insecurity.
It took me a minute to return my pulse to some version of normal, my mind full of numbers while I consciously counted out the seconds of each inhale and exhale. I shook out my hands, then left the bathroom, walking slowly back towards the lab.
As I approached, I heard voices.
“Dakota never talks much, does she? Kinda hard to read,” Nick said.
I froze in the hallway, humiliation making my stomach sink.
Tears instantly pricked my eyes, my face on fire.
It’ll always be this, won’t it? Nobody will ever notice anything about me, other than how quiet I am.
My gaze slid over to the window cut into the wall, peering through the slits in the blinds. I was hardly breathing. Both Nick and my professor were facing away from the window. I remained stuck where I stood, afraid to make my presence known now.
